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FanFictionFrightmare: He Would Do Anything For Love

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Post Tue Oct 23, 2012 9:17 am

FanFictionFrightmare: He Would Do Anything For Love

That’s right, they’re back. I’ve been busy, so I decided to treat you guys with something special. And since I see that bitches be trying to step in on my turf, I’m gonna work my ass off to bring everyone down into the poorly written, depraved, and Teletubby-sex-filled abyss that I’ve made for us here.

Folks, I’m going to honest, this one is weird as FUCK. Like, the simple idea that anyone would write this perplexes me to a degree that cannot be empirically represented. Allow me to provide some back story: It’s a Lion King fic, so that’s already setting off some red flags, and what Simba does for love is so god dammed weird that I’m pretty sure everyone’s going to both appalled and somewhat touched. So without further delay, let us find out exactly what Simba does for love.... oh god why do I do this to myself....


To all TLK fans, hello and welcome to my first story on ! I do not own Disney.


And for that, we are very thankful.

I thought you all might enjoy something a little different. This fan-fiction is rated M just to be safe. If you feel uncomfortable with detailed descriptions of sex, please do not read. I am just warning you!


Oh... then I guess I better leave... aha... ahahaha... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck you just get to it already.

I also am very particular about grammar; if you notice any grammatical or spelling errors, they are deliberate. (If you can point out very any unintentional mistakes, which is highly unlikely, please let me know.) For example, I will make sentence fragments because I have no other options.

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Really? “If there are any mistakes ignore them because I did them on purpose and not because I am a giant dumbshit.” Goddammit. Just. Goddammit.

In this story, Simba want to prove how special Nala is to him. This is a story that will tell of Simba's undying love for Nala.


I’ll assume that was an intentional grammatical error. Surely the author knew that “This is a story about Simba’s undying love for Nala, and what lengths he would go to prove how special she is to him” would’ve sufficed. Surely.

He would do anything for love. But would he do that?


Clearly another brilliant intentional error! Of course we the audience would know preciesly what “it” is! Even though there is no clear antecedent! Now let us take the plunge, which is clearly an intentional error on our part!

CHAPTER 1

The Sun rose over the Pride Rock to greet a new day. Simba would usually wake up first; this morning was certainly no exception. He ventured outside slowly: he would not want to wake up his beloved Queen. Ahh Nala, always so sexy, even first thing in the morning, thought Simba. He was one lucky lion and would do anything to show Nala that he truly loved her.


Including stopping with the obvious redundant and pointless errors.

Soon it would be their tenth wedding anniversary and Simba was getting anxious about what to get her.


He had tried to make a scrapbook, until he remembered that he was a lion and therefore had no concept of either what a scrapbook was, and that lionesses tended to prefer the bloodied carcasses of fresh kills.

"What to do this year? It would have to be really special, something that show I really care about her."


“All the previous anniversary gifts had been last minute gifts I picked up at the drug store while I was buying smokes.”

Every year was something truly magical. On their fifth anniversary, they went for a romantic second honeymoon to the jungle where they were reunited. They spent the whole time there making wholesome, steamy passionate love.


Because after five years of marriage your half-assed, contractually obligated to occur every three months, and unsatisfying “sex” can only be described as “making wholesome, steamy passionate love”

What was great about Nala was she was always in the mood for sex, even when she was pissed off.


Of course she is.

Often Simba wondered where she got this almost unquenchable thirst for having Simba inside her.


Totally not because this is a fanfic. Nope. Nala always has a craving for Simba-penis. Always. That’s why The Lion King 2 is called “Simba’s Pride

"I'm running out of ideas, maybe I'll ask Timon and Pumbaa." He dismissed that idea as soon as it came to him. "I know! I'll ask Rafiki."


Because asking the deranged mystic Baboon wizard as opposed to the borderline gay couple consisting of a meerkat and a warthog for anniversary gift advice is the right call.

So he walked over to the old Baobab tree in where Rafiki life and worked.


Oh you and your crafty intentional mistakes, YOU MUST TEACH ME YOUR WAYS, ALL-KNOWING AND MISTAKE-MAKING WIZARD OF LION-SEX FICS!

Rafiki gave Simba a hug. "Simba, it's always good to see you. Next week is a big day for you and Nala innit?

Simba frowned and looked at Rafiki. "I have no idea what to do this year for Nala! I want to make this year amazing. You know, something that says that she is really special to me"


Since she’s always up for sex, might I suggest anal? Or at least just the tip...

"It is your tenth after all!"


“If you remember your punch card, you’ll get a free affair after this one!”

"Exactly right, but what would really show her how much she means to me? I would do anything for love."


Title drop! Sigh.

"I might have just the thing, but you probably wouldn't like it." Rafiki crossed his arms and shook his head.

"Now wait, who says I won't like it? I said I'd do anything for Nala, if it makes her happy, I don't mind a bit of personal discomfort."


“Good! Then bend over, Simba, Rafiki’s going in dry.”

"O.k. but I'm warning you it'll be more than just a little discomfort. It will really hurt, for a while."


“Your rectum will be in a constant state of agony and pain for days on end.”

"Are you suggesting I get a tattoo?" Simba laughed at the idea. "I don't think Nala would like that!"

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Now that’s just plain dumb. Even my Frightmare standards.

"Ha! No, I didn't mean a tattoo, we're being serious here!"

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"Then what is it? Spit it out monkey!"

"O.k. fine, but first, I will need to ask you a personal question: how is your sex life?"


There is no way that this doesn’t end in Monkey penis

Simba's face turned a shade of scarlet.

"Come on now, I need to know in order to help you."


“Do not. Leave out. A single. Detail. Rafiki must know everything

Simba smiled, his face beaming with pride. "Honestly, it's great and Nala thinks so to. We never get bored of each other. The passion, the spark it is still there stronger with each passing day, week and year." Simba was getting aroused as he was saying that. It took all his strength to hold back a hard on.


The more this continues, the more I am convinced that Rafiki is going to tech Simba some ancient baboon sex dance or something.

"So, how long can you keep going?"


“Bet you I can top it tenfold”

"We can be at it for hours. She is one horny lioness, I am so lucky to have her as my queen!"

"So you don't think anything could be better for the both of you? Think Simba, there must be something that Nala would like to change?"


Simba thought a minute before answering, “Well, she did mention this thing call “S&M”...”

"I don't think so, unless you have some Viagra for lions in that cabinet. I don't think there is anything you can do."

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Not only did Simba just ask if Rafiki had viagra, he asked if he had viagra for lions.

"Simba, I need you to be serious with me." I was very odd for Simba to hear Rafiki say that.


Usually he prattles on about squashes and rubs juice on a wall because fuck you he’s Rafiki

Simba thought for a while, he sighed in frustration. Nala would like something. However, it was impossible change to what Mother Nature had made; he had what all cats had to deal with.


Three guess as to what he’s alluding to. If you guessed correctly, I’m very sorry.

PLEASE REVIEW


Since I enjoy doing multiple chaptered stories, it’s always interesting to see what the author puts at the end of each chapter. But whenever I see something like “Rate and review,” or “Please review,” I can’t help but think that either these people never got praise as a child, or got too much praise as a child...

CHAPTER 2


YES THERE IS MORE THAN ONE CHAPTER!

Every female feline dreaded it but had to just grin and bear it.

It was the curse of the barbed member


Did you guess correctly! Because if so, once again, I’m so so so sorry.

Whenever a male cat withdraws his penis from the female's vagina, the barbs scrape the vaginal walls thus sending a message to the brain to stimulate fertilization of the ovaries. Obviously, this is very painful for any girl.


Okay. Two things. One, this guy actually looked into the reasoning behind a male cat’s barbed dick for the purpose of making this fic “accurate” And two, they felt the need to point out that a barbed dick would be painful for any girl, meaning more than felines. Meaning this guy clearly takes a nail gun to his genitals so as to make sure his “girlfriends” get pregnant with his hell-spawn.

Simba considered him a caring and sensitive lover. He would always pull out very slowly and carefully but no matter what it would always hurt at least somewhat.


Something tells me with a barbed penis, you’d want to treat it like a band-aid. Grip it and rip it.

Simba thought about the night before. It was a night of passionate lovemaking.

"Oh Simba! YES, YES, YES! Wow Simba, you get better each time!"

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That is such a fanfic cliche that it should be punishable by jail time.

They lay there in passionate embrace, drowsy and content. Simba let out a loud yawn. "Nala , I know you don't like me falling asleep inside of you…so I guess I better pull out."


Okay, as much, and I mean as much as I hate asking this question: wouldn’t the thrusting cause pain as well? After all, when you have a spikey penis inside you, it probably doesn’t feel good when it’s repeatedly grinding said spikes against your skin.

"Ok Simba dear, just be gentle."


Yes Simba, be gentle with your spined-wiener

Simba withdrew, closing his eyes as he did so: he couldn't bear to see her in such pain.

Nala grimaced and braced herself, trying to relax at the same time.


Pretty sure if Nala just sprinted out of the cave, Simba’s penis would do one of three things:
A) Pull out of Nala
B) Get ripped off
C) Remain inside Nala whilst Simba gets dragged around by the wang

"Ow Ow, ouch, argh!"

"I'm so sorry my love, I can't help it."

"I know, nature's curse."

"You're the best curse to ever happen."


Teenage Romance Novel Line Rating: 8

"Oh Simba, you're so sweet. I love you so much."

They kissed and fell into a peaceful slumber.


With Simba’s dick still stabbing her cunt

Simba looked like he was miles away from reality, he the felt a sharp pain on his head. Rafiki whacked him with his stick.


If you know what I mean....

"Ow! What was that for?"

"You started daydreaming. Now tell me what is bothering you."

"Every time I pull out it hurts Nala, but there's nothing that can be done about it."


Simba’s right, short of getting some weird ass Lion circumcision you get do any-........
........
No

"So you wish you could get rid of your penile spikes?"


AHAHA. No.

"Yes, but that's impossible."


Completely impossible.

"Nothing is impossible, you know that."


RAFIKI THIS IS WHERE YOU STOP TALKING AND GO BACK TO SMOKING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU SMOKE.

"But Mother Nature's curse made us this way. Surely you of all people know that!"

"The curse can be broken for those who are truly worthy."


Stop

"Do you think that I'm worthy?"

"The question is do you think you're worthy?"

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So in the middle of alluding of a way for Simba to remove his “penile spikes” --which I would like to point is either the factually correct term, meaning the author researched this abomination, or, and I’m not sure which is worse here, the author came up with that term-- Rafiki just had to throw in that overly used “do you think you’re worthy?” bullshit. God. Fucking. Damn. It.

"I think so."

WHACK

"The answer is yes, or no."

"Ouch. Ok, I think I am worthy. I would do anything for Nala."


Simba, THINK about what this implies here. Seriously. Really picture what has to happen for your dick-barbs to go away. Notice how every male ever just cringed? THAT’S WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING, FOLLOWED BY RUNNING THE FUCK AWAY.

"That is just what I'm looking for, your father would be so proud of you!


NO. FUCK YOU.

"What do you mean by that?"


I MEAN FUCK YOU

"There is a procedure I can perform; I can surgically remove the barbs from your member. Think of is as a circumcision for cats! It is very painful and you will be out of commission for four days but it'll be worth it."

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WHY WOULD RAFIKI KNOW WHAT A CIRCUMCISION IS!? BETTER QUESTION, WHY WOULD HE KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ONE FOR HUMANS AND ONE FOR CATS. EVEN BETTER QUESTION, WHY WOULD ANYONE THINK THAT OTHER HUMANS WOULD WANT TO READ THIS?
WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

"You have done this before, right?" Simba asked nervously.

"I have done it about a dozen times including for you Dad. You were born not long after that. Even Scar came to me to have it done; he wanted to impress Zira, but he just cried like a baby before I even tugged out the first barb! He made me swear never to tell anyone what happened."

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For those wondering why the Toht, allow me to quote a specific part of the above:
before I even tugged out the first barb

That’s right, Rafiki is going to yank the barbs out of Simba’s dick
Which reminds me
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Rafiki and Simba both smiled at each other and bust into a fit of laughter. They were rolling on the floor, gasping for air. Simba and Rafiki eventually managed to stop chuckling; they got off the floor of the tree house, Rafiki regained his composure but still had that famous mischievous expression about him.


That expression can only be acquired by a severe quantity of drugs, we all know it.

Simba was still struggling to stop laughing as he could picture his evil uncle screaming in pain.


Better picture: Scar in pain, because of the spikes in his dick were getting ripped out with no-
Oh my god
Rafiki doesn’t use anesthetic
aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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"Raf, I got to come out here more often just to hear more of your crazy stories!"

"Ok but back to business, are you for this?"

"Well, Dad did it and he felt fine in the end. Also, the idea that Scar couldn't do it just makes me want to do it more."


Simba
Seriously
Spikes
Getting pulled
OUT OF YOUR DICK
WITH NO ANESTHETIC
That’s like, having fifty splinters in your dick and a crazy monkey just rips them out because he’s insane.
...
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GODDAMMIT

"That's the spirit, but aren't you forgetting something?"

"Oh yeah, Nala won't be able to keep her paws off me. Nor will she be able to keep any other part of her off me for that matter!"

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"Well then, we can begin the operation right away. Just lie down in the bed and relax whilst I get my equipment ready.


There is no way anything could “relax” knowing what’s about to happen.

Rafiki went up the ladder to prepare for Simba's procedure.

Meanwhile, Simba was lying on his back thinking about Nala and was lustfully imagining how Nala would react to his bold decision.


Read: He got a cat boner

PLEASE REVIEW.


Fuck off, and furthermore, I have- wait what’s that...

Authors note: I am inviting any of my readers to write a story about why Mother Nature cursed the the feline species with barbs on the male organs.

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What
Did... did you just say that you want your readers to write a story explaining why cats have barbs on their dicks? Did you seriously just ask that.... I can’t... Just... What the
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..... moving on...

CHAPTER 2


I know you mean three, must be another “intentional” mistake

Rafiki returned with his tools and bottles of various things for the operation. He place a pillow filled with feathers under Simba's head and Simba positioned himself on the stretcher until he was comfortable.

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Okay. Where in the FUCK did Rafiki get a feather pillow, a stretcher, and the knowledge that he’s performing a surgical operation?

Rafiki took out a piece of cloth and dampened it with some antiseptic.


New theory: Rafiki, in a fit of insanity, killed a local missionary for their supplies, because he finally could no longer deal with the fact that he has willingly removed the barbs of a male cat’s dong.

"Rafiki, where on earth do you get all this stuff from?"

"I get it from de poachers; they try to hunt here so I attack them and steal their medical supplies."


.................... I hate myself for being half-right

Simba watched Rafiki prepare, fascinated by what was going on in front of him. He was very interested in medicine. During his time in the jungle, Timon and Pumba taught him how to make all sorts of cures for snakebites and wasp stings and how to make antidotes for poisons using different plants and crushed insects.


Of course they taught him that. Of. Fucking. Course.

One time when he was walking around the Savannah, he stepped on a rusty nail. He let out a load painful roar. Luckily, some volunteers from GREENPEACE were nearby, viewing Simba through some binoculars.

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They rushed over and told him they were there to help. Having no other choice, Simba decided to trust them. They removed the rusty nail from his paw, cleaned it up, give him a tetanus shot and cauterised the wound with a special balsam. He thanked the humans for treating him.

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Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm WHAT

He also thanked the great kings above for sending him help. It was nice for to learn that not all humans want to destroy things. These people cared about nature and respected it.


Right now I’m about to show nature how much I care for it with the help of mister flammenwerfer

Rafiki was finally ready to begin.

"That's chloroform isn't it?"


WHY WOULD HE KNOW WHAT THAT IS

"No it's antiseptic; I told you this is going to hurt, you will be awake for the whole thing."

"Why you can't put me under?"


WHY WOULD HE KNOW THAT TERM

"If I could, I would. In order to do this, you need to have an erection; it will not be possible for you to maintain one for long enough if you were asleep. Scar could only keep it up for a minute before he started screaming like a baby."

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Wait a goddamn minute. So you’re telling me that even though Rafiki has antiseptic, a feather pillow, and whatever knowledge of the eternally dammned, yet he doesn’t have cat viagra? SIR, I MUST INFORM YOU THAT THIS BULLSHIT DOES NOT OWN UP TO ITS OWN STANDARDS OF FUCKERY AND BULLSHITTINESS AND THEREFORE, I DO NOT APPROVE WHOLEHEARTEDLY.

"Well, let's get this over with."


I’ve been screaming that for the past eternity

"Ok, first I'm going to put up a curtain between your hips and your torso; you wouldn't want to watch this, believe me. It is going to be a messy operation!"

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OF COURSE IT’S GOING TO BE MESSY! YOU’RE PULLING BARBS OUT OF HIS DICK

Rafiki handed Simba a picture of Nala to take his mind off the pain, Nala was drawn in a sexy inviting pose albeit quite tastefully.

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"Where the hell did you get this? Did you draw it, pervert?"

"Yes I drew it, coz yo bitch iz mighty fine!"

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I hate to repeat myself for quoting a previous FFF, but, I’m going to drown you.
I’m going to drown you fifty times.

"True, but this is fucked up!"


Yes, this of all things, is fucked up.

"I know, but it is doing what it is supposed to do. You are as hard as a rock."

Rafiki was able to begin. He took a pair of tweezers and carefully gripped one Simbas' barbs with it.

"This isn't going to be pleasant, just focus on positive things, like the picture of Nala and it will all be over more quickly."


Picturing what Simba’s de-barbed wang is going to be fucking does NOT HELP THIS GO FASTER

Simba start to drip beads of sweat as he summoned all of his strength to take his mind off the pain. Rafiki tightened his grip on the tweezers and yanked hard.


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"YEEEEOOOUCH!"

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It was crucial for Rafiki to ignore Simbas' cries and carry on. If he were to stop after the first one, it would be a wasted effort on Simbas' part; he would be in pain and there would be no benefit to it.

"Only ninety nine more to go, hang in there pal!"


.......there’s 99 more?

"Oh my God it hurts so much, this better be worth it!"

Simba was focusing on holding it up down there whilst Rafiki was frantically pulling out spike after spike. Simba was bleeding profusely. Towards the end, it was begging to hurt less but he still felt very sore.


OH GEE I WONDER WHY

"Ninety eight."

"AHHRRGH."

"Ninety nine."

"YEARRRGHH."

"One hundred."

"Whimper."


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WHY
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IS
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THIS
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A
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THING
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Rafiki was finished and Simba breathed a sigh of relief. The whole floor was a bloody mess and it would need a thorough cleaning. Rafiki told Simba to sit up straight whilst he cleaned the open wound. Afterward he applied an anaesthetic cream and a gauze bandage. As he wrapped the bandage closed, a look of horror spread over his face.


Rafiki realized that he was in one of the most stupidest fanfics ever written!

"Uh Simba, it seems I missed a spot."

"WHAT! You are joking aren't you?"

"Yes I am. HA HA!"


AHAHAHAHAH I AM JOKING TOO WHEN I SAY THAT I’M GOING TO KILL YOU AHAHHAHA PLEASE IGNORE THE SHOTGUN I AM LOADING AHAHA

"Why you little bastard, you will regret that."

Simba punched Rafiki in the gut, he writhed on pain on the ground. He managed to get up after a short while.


Simba, this man just touched your dick in ways that no thing should ever even think of doing, he deserves more than a punch.

"I guess I deserved that, but hey, I couldn't resist. I pulled that same joke to Mufasa but he reacted much more vicious. I just had to, tradition you know."


YES. CLEARLY THIS IS TRADITION. ALL OF THE DESCENDANTS OF SIMBA’S FOR ALL OF ETERNITY SHALL HAVE THEIR DICK SPIKES REMOVED FORCIBLY BY A DERANGED BABOON WIZARD. AS THE PROPHECY FORETOLD!

"Yeah, whatever, you're a sucker for the oldies. At least I won't have to do that again."

"Sucker for the oldies? Ew, gross Simba. Anyway, it will take you four days to recover, so that means no jerking off and no sex. In fact, don't even touch that area and only remove the bandage slightly in order to urinate."

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HOW THE FUCK COULD A CAT MASTURBATE! SERIOUSLY. THE EVERLOVING FUCK

"I think I can handle that, just barely. I'll have to come up with a good excuse for avoiding Nala. She may be pretty but she sure aint stupid!"


But apparently you are.

Just then, something unsettling just occurred to Simba. It would be impossible to keep this a secret from Nala for four days.


The giant bandage on your dick would probably give it away.

"Oh dear fuck, Nala will be in heat today!"


“And what’s worse... I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE BATHTUB!!!!!”

Please read and review.


Please inject clorox into your veins.

CHAPTER 3


4

Simba had no idea how it had slipped his mind. Usually he would look forward to Nala's monthly cycle: she would want him all day, without stopping.


For once, they got an actual correct fact about lions! This terrifies me!

"What am I going to do?" Simba was panicking even more than the time the Pride Lands went to war with Zira.


Yes, clearly this is more stressful then a war. CLEARLY.

"You could just tell her de trudt."

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WHY THE EVER LOVING ALMIGHTY PISS FUCK DO YOU RANDOMLY HAVE RAFIKI SOUND LIKE A GHETTO DUMBSHIT. JUST BECAUSE HE HAS AN ACCENT DOESN’T FUCKING MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO PHONETICALLY REPRESENT IT. JESUS TITTY-SPRINKLING CHRIST WEASEL YOU ARE ONE OF THE WORST KINDS OF FANFIC AUTHORS.

"That would ruin the surprise; every anniversary gift has been a surprise for Nala. I'm not going to change that now!"


It just struck me that all Simba got her for their anniversary was fucking. Wow Simba, you reached a new level of dumb.

"Why do you have to be so stubborn?"

"I am not being stubborn!"


He said stubbornly

"Yes you are being stubborn."


He also said stubbornly

"Stop it! I need a plan and you're not helping."

"I can't help you; you're on your own, pal."


Pretty sure after ripping out his dick spikes, you’re contractually obligated to help him out.

"Well, thanks for the lift and cut."

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WHY WOULD THAT BE SAID WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

"Would you like a haircut to go with it?"


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS FIC WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

"No thanks, maybe later. Right now I've got to go think up something."

"Good luck wid dat mon!"

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Simba went to the watering hole. He was walking awkwardly due to his bandages between his thighs.


I’m pretty sure it’s not the bandages, and more the fact that HE JUST HAD DICK SURGERY

He took a long and refreshing drink, as he did every morning.


Is it suddenly morning? Is is the afternoon but he’s drinking like it’s morning? HAS THE SUN EXPANDED TO PURGE THIS ATROCITY WITH CLEANSING FIRE like it’s morning?

"How am I going to avoid Nala without arousing her suspicion?"


Well I hear the stampede of wildebeests is back in town, you could give them a visit.

Simba continued walking as he made his morning rounds. He reached the border of the pride lands that lead to the jungle.

"That's it; I'll hide in the jungle for a few days. However, I will need a cover story."


Just tell Nala you’re going out for a pack of smokes, given the brain damage I’ve received from the idiocy of this, I think it might work pb&j sandwich large order of milkshakes

Simba made his way through the trees and bushes and down the path that led to his childhood home. It had been so long since has was there before; he could use a little Hakuna Matata.


.............
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MOTHERFUCKER. NOT ONLY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT “Hakuna Matata” MEANS “No Worries” AND THAT SAYING THAT SIMBA NEEDS SOME “No worries” YOU LOOK LIKE A DUMBSHIT, BUT YOU’RE ALSO A GIANT DUMBSHIT.

"Hey Pumba, Simba's here."


Said the mysterious voice

"What brings you out here?"


Asked the secretive voice

"Do I need a reason to visit my best pals?"


Said the biggest dumbass in history

"No, I guess not. So, how's Nala? I trust you have something nice planned."

"I'd rather not say."


“Tad bit embarrassed I let Rafiki rip things out of my penis. I think he got off on it.”

"Why not? It's not as if we'd tell her. Right Pumbaa?"

"No, of course not. Come on, what did you get her?"


“Please tell me it’s a hyena-bone dildo!”

"Let's just say it is something private and intimate." Simba winked.

"Ahh, say no more."


YES SIMBA. SAY NO MORE FOREVER. JUST BE SILENT UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

Timon and Pumbaa were grinning ear to ear; there was no telling what was going through their dirty minds.

"Well Simba you look tense, I have just the thing that will help you relax."


“I call it... heroin”

The walked together whilst reminiscing about the old days together.


Damn, I guess it was acid.

"Here we are; a brand new hot tub.

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WHAT

Just what the doctor ordered. It'll do you good; your joints look a bit stiff. Nala must be working you hard!"


Ha, I get it, boner jokes. Because Simba will never have one ever again.

"It looks like fun but I really shouldn't."

"I have some bandages and I can't get wet until I remove them."


Said two distinct people who both had barbs painfully pulled from their schmangley-wangleys

"That sucks, what happened?"

"Um, I uh, I fell and cut myself."


That is about as far from the truth as possible, short of “My dick was robbed of its penile stingers.”

"Yeah sure, I can tell you're lying. What really happened?"

"All right fine, I am wearing a bandage because I had a circumcision."

"You did what? Man Simba, you really are hard core!"


Ha, erection jokes. It’s funny because I don’t think any guy will ever have one after reading about a cat having, I refuse to stop reiterating this, fucking barbs ripped out of his goddamn dick

"The real reason I'm here is to keep it as a surprise. All being well, the wound will heal by our anniversary night. Can I hide here till then?"


“I’m not sure who is talking, or if I am involved in this conversation, but is it cool if I crash on your couch?”

"Sure thing, besides, it will be fun."


Timon’s a struggling coke addict

Pumba was quiet all the while; he painfully brought Simba back to reality.


Which is the exact opposite thing that Pumbaa would do!

"You will need a good alibi."


“Again,” Timon suggested, “might I suggest.... heroin?”

"I don't think she will buy any phony story of mine. I think I'll just hide here and if she comes looking for me just say you never saw me.

"You better know what you are doing, Simba."


He let Rafiki touch his dick, Simba doesn’t know how to breathe sometimes

"I sure hope so myself."


I just hope I don’t die again

Please read and review.


Seriously, why do authors always add this little bit at the end? Especially the part that says “read.” IT’S AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER, OF COURSE THEY ARE GOING TO RE- hey what’s that?

In addition, the invitation the write a story about the nature of Mother Nature curse for felines is still open.

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Chapter 4


Counting. This is how it’s done right. Except not. You dumbfuck.

Meanwhile, back at Pride Rock, awoke after a good night's sleep. She opened her eyes hoping to see Simba by her side. He was not there; he got up early as usual to patrol the Pride Lands.


Yes, the random female entity wanted Simba to be there next to her.

"I think I'll go find him, Nala needs some morning loving."


And now random female entity is in charge of getting Nala some action... I’m not if that’s better or worse than Nala saying she needs some “morning loving” in the third person...

Her first stop was the watering hole; she needed a drink anyway, so she might as well go there first.

"He's not here, damn it! Maybe he went to see Rafiki."


AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH DO NOT GO NEAR RAFIKI, DO NOT GO NEAR RAFIKI

She got to Rafiki's tree very quickly; her heat cycle caused her to feel a huge rush of adrenalin. She was very desperate to be with Simba.


Knowing this author, Nala will end up masturbating or some bullshit like that.

"RAFIKI!"

Rafiki descended from his tree.

"Yes Nala, you look tense, are you ok?"


“Would you like to get a female cat circumcision? I don’t care if that’s not a thing, I’m just crazy!

"Have you seen Simba?"

She asked, panting frantically.


Why was this return-spaced? That’s just dumb on a whole new level that I didn’t even know existed.

"I have seen him many times."

"Grr, you know what I mean."

"I don't know where he is."


“He ran away after I ripped things out of his dick.

"All right, thanks anyway."

Nala just ran, not having any idea where she was going. She was horny and needed sex right there and then. Eventually she stopped at the border of the pride lands and the jungle.


“I am so fucking that tree right the FUCK NOW.”

"Maybe he's here, with Timon and Pumbaa no doubt. Perhaps I could track his scent. Why didn't I think about that before?"

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That was clearly a lampshade by the author to point out how fucking stupid they were, I’m sure.

She trudged into the jungle, hoping to find what she was looking for.

"Maybe Simba wanted me to find him here; this was where we met ten years ago. To make love here again after all this time would be really romantic."


See Simba, see how you could’ve avoided the entire “Rafiki will painfully remove the barbs off my disco stick”? DO YOU SEE HOW YOU COULD’VE AVOIDED ALL OF OUR PAIN

She came to the log bridge overlooking the waterfall. The old vine hammock was still there; it was there that tried to convince Simba to come home.

However, Nala could only think about one thing.


In case it wasn’t clear: PENIS

"I remember this hammock; I gave Simba his first blow job here. Man, I am gagging for some dick right now! I hope no one heard me say that out loud."

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FUCK YOU, YOU SONOFABITCH MOTHERFUCKING FUCK WEASEL ON A FUCKSTICK COVERED IN FUCK SAUCE SERVED WITH A SIDE OF FUCK YOU

She kept on walking hoping she would find her husband.


Be honest here, Nala just thinks of Simba as a giant dildo right now. Which is funny, because he can do anything EXCEPT fuck her.

"Simba, this isn't funny! Come on out, I need you."


This is probably what the author perceives all women as. Therefore, it secures his virginity.

Meanwhile, Timon and Pumba were relaxing in the hot tub.


SURE. THEY CAN HAVE A HOT TUB. NOT LIKE THAT RUNS OFF OF POWER OR ANYTHING.

"Say Timon, do you hear something?"

"Yeah, I think I hear Nala calling."

"We need to stop her from finding Simba."

"Let's distract her, I have a plan."


“I call it... a shotgun”

Nala found Timon and Pumba.

"Hey Timon, hey Pumba, have you seen Simba at all?"

"Nope, we've been here all morning."


Might as well just put on Groucho glasses and pretended that you don’t know who Simb- wait. Didn’t Nala say she was going to track Simba?

"Ugh, he must me here somewhere; I can feel it."


“In my divination womb”

"Nala, you look very tense. Why not have a nice and relaxing soak in our hot tub? It's just what the witch-doctor ordered."

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"Well, I suppose I have time for a quick one."

Nala stepped in slowly and let out a groan of pleasure; the bubbles were stimulating her down there. Timon and Pumba could only look at each other awkwardly as Nala was enjoying herself. They had to think of an excuse to leave.

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Does the dumbshit who wrote this believe that all women during their “monthly cycles” turn into horny sex machines that get off at the sudden stimulus of anything? Because that’s pretty much the opposite of the truth.

"Uh, Nala, Pumba and I are going to get a drink from the bar. Would you like anything?"


SURE. THEY CAN HAVE A BAR. WHY NOT. NOTHING ELSE IS CONTEXTUALLY POSSIBLE.

"Get me a screaming orgasm!"


I....
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"That shouldn't be much of a problem."

Nearby, Simba was hiding behind a large jungle flower. The overpowering odour disguised his scent from Nala. There was no way Nala could sniff him out from there.


I see I see, I still prefer plan Shotgun.

He could observe Nala from there too. He love seeing her wet all over and he could see that see was happy over there. This was turning Simba on like crazy; he had to have her. He knew he couldn't go up to her; she would probably pounce in him and rip his bandages off.


Not to mention she’d fuck you up with pain from your surgery.

"Oh no, pollen, ah…ah... choo!"

The sneeze was so loud that Nala could hear it.

"I've got you now Simba!"

Nala leapt out the tub and darted toward Simba hungrily.

"Pinned ya!"

"Woah Nala, not so rough!"


“Can you NOT see my dick bandages? Because those, and what caused them, are things that should never be forgotten. Ever.”

Nala nuzzled Simba passionately.

"This was a really good surprise, I love you so much."


Translation according to the author: “Oh I am so wet please stick your erect phallus into my wanting cavern.” Because you know this person is that perverted.

"Nala, I can't do this."

"What is going on?"

"I can't tell you."

"Yes you can!"

"I wanted it to be a surprise."

"Can we still fuck?"


How romantic of you Nala.

"We can't."

"Tell me why or I'll pin you again."

"All right, fine, I had a circumcision and I can't use my dong until our anniversary night."

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Nala didn't know what to say.


“The fuck?” would be pretty apt

"You must think I'm crazy."

"Simba, I've all ways thought you were crazy and stubborn…and sexy."


This was clearly written with the emotional maturity of a 7th grader. Holy fuck this is groan inducing.

"So you're not mad?"

"No, I'm just frustrated that we can't get it on, but I suppose there is something you could take care of."


UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

She lay down on her back, her sweet womanly scent beckoning Simba to taste.


7th grader with access to shitty romance novels**

"Clean me out, Simba I'm all dirty."

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"Simba needed no further invitation, he licked at her furiously, Nala was moaning with pure ecstasy as Simba lapped up her juices."

"Oh Yes Simba, oh Simba…don't…stop…oh…yes…yes… YES!"


Seriously, it’s like they don’t even know what any form of sexual act is

Simba was delighted with himself; he satisfied Nala's needs without concern for himself. He really was a caring and sensitive lover.

"That was amazing Simba."

"Just wait till what's in store for the anniversary."

The sun was setting and it was time for them to be heading back. They playfully ran through the jungle like when they were first reunited.

It was then that Simba realised how fortunate he was to have Nala.


Oh yeah, THAT’S what made him realize how fortunate.

Please read and review.


Please choke on a kabob and impale your eyeball with a rusty scorpion.

This is the grand finale of my fan-fiction. I don't own Disney.


I am of the opinion that you shouldn’t be allowed to own ANYTHING

Chapter 5


I’ve stopped caring. Continue to live in your world of wrong.

Timon came back to the hot tub with Nala's drink, only to find that she disappeared.

"Nala, where are you? She must have found Simba; lions are dreadful at hiding! Oh well, I guess it would be bad to waste a good drink."

Timon downed the drink in one swift gulp.


WAS THIS RELEVANT TO THE STORY? I DO NOT THINK IT WAS.

Meanwhile, where Nala found Simba's hiding spot.

After Simba had finished pleasuring Nala, they headed back home.

"Simba, that was amazing!"

"I aims to please."

"I can't wait for our anniversary. Is there any chance of a sneak peek?"

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Nala just asked to see Simba’s mutilated cat-dick. Goodbye childhood.

"I'd love, to but I can't; if I take off the bandage, it could get sore and nasty. You wouldn't want that, would you?"[/quoted]

HEAVEN FORBID YOU WOULDN’T WANT THAT EITHER SIMBA. DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT YOUR PENIS. DO YOU.

"I guess not, it still sucks that I can't suck!"


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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"You are so cute when you are desperate."

"You are so cute for being so crazy to do this."

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UGH. That is all I have to say. UGH
The old couple were still wondering through the jungle; they were in no hurry despite the late hour. It was such a romantic setting, just like old times. It was if they were young again and feeling that old spark when they had when they chanced upon each other all those year ago. However, it wasn't chance, it was their destiny to be together. Heaven planned it all along.


I don’t think Heaven planned to allow Simba to let Rafiki RIP HIS WANG SPEARS OFF

"Nala, we're getting near Timon and Pumbaa's place, we shouldn't go without saying good-bye."

"I agree, they did agree to hide you from me and they were mighty nice to let us use their new hot tub."


Still confused as to how they have the electricity to power this damn thing.

Simba and Nala searched for Timon and Pumbaa and eventually they found them.

"Hey Simba, I see Nala found you. You were all ways terrible at hide and seek!"


Said Nala

"No I wasn't! Any ways, we came to say good bye and thanks for hosting us."

"Come back anytime, but you can't leave without one last drink. Nala, I would offer you another screaming orgasm, but from what I heard, Simba took care of that for you."


Lechered Pumbaa

"I would like another one though."


Sobbed Azog

"I'd love to give you one, but were all out of Baileys and Vermouth. So what will you have Simba?"

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HOW THE HELL DO THEY HAVE ALCOHOL. BETTER QUESTION, HOW ARE THEY NOT DEAD FROM DRINKING IT. EVEN BETTER QUESTION, WHY AM I STILL READING THIS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

One of Simbas guilty pleasures was the occasional fancy cocktail.

"I'll have a 'sex on the beach'."

"That sounds good; it has sex in it!" Nala said excitedly.

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I’m about to blow my brains out over how one-dimensional this fuckweasel made Nala

Timon proceeded to mix together vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, and cranberry juice and then he served it in a coconut half with a mini umbrella.


WHAT’S THE MATTER, DON’T HAVE ANY REAL GLASSES? WHY DON’T YOU HOP IN YOUR PRIUS AND DRIVE TO WAL-MART AND BUY SOME..

"Here you go you guys, I hope you enjoy them."

"Here to us, Nala and happy anniversary."

"Cheers Simba."

They thanked Timon and Pumba and they left the jungle slightly drunk.


And then they got shot and killed by a scarf-wearing poacher. The end.

The anniversary night could not have come sooner for them; oral sex just couldn't compare to the real thing.


I SAID THE END. DON’T DO THIS TO ME.

It was midnight and the full moon was shining beautifully over the pride lands and all the lions were sound asleep, Simba and Nala wanted to make sweet love on the promenade but it was far too cold. They had a part of the cave that was separate from the rest of the sleeping area but they would have to be careful not to wake everyone up.


Naturally they will and naturally everyone will have to join in.

Nala decided to do something daring; she painted leopard spots on herself. Simba found it to be sexy on her. He was getting really turned on.


Because “love” means “transform yourself to look like a different thing for my own benefit”

"Nala, you can take the bandage off me now, just be gentle and give it time to breathe before you go down on me."

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Give... them time... to BREATHE
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AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
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Nala carefully and lovingly peeled of the cloth from Simbas sheaf as if it was a Christmas present.


-HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

She was really looking forward to playing with her new toy. When the bandage came off, she looked pleasantly surprised.


Only pleasntly? Wow Simba, you got your dick mutilated and she’s only pleasently surprised.

"Oh my god Simba, I can't believe you would do this for me."


-HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

All of his penile barbs were gone; it was smooth all over but looked like it needed some air. Rafiki assured him that he would only have to wait a couple of minutes before he could safely use it.

"I'd do anything for love, my dear, sweet, Nala."


“You realize this means I get anal whenever I want, right?”

With that, Samba and Nala embraced passionately and kissed all over each other. Things started really getting heated. Nala rubbed some chocolate syrup on Simba's chest and licked it all up. Simba was really enjoying this game.

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Nala made her way down on Simba's , she started licking, it was so pleasantly smooth on her tongue.


Aside from Nala’s sandpaper tongue, or did she have those little tongue-spikey things removed for their anniversary? Speaking of, what did Nala get Simba? Oh right, NOTHING.

"OH MY GOD!" Simba gasped, the pleasure he felt was like nothing he had ever experienced; it was ethereal. It was transcendent.


It was unforgiveable.

Kovu and Kiara heard Simba shout, soon the whole cave could hear them, but they didn't give that much thought.


/crying

"Nala that was amazing, but that will be nothing compared to this!"

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"Oh yes Simba, take me now!"


“Take me! And throw me off of Pride Rock!”

He entered her inviting hole and start thrusting; he realised he could now thrust in and out of her instead of staying inside until he finished.


THIS IS BURNING MY CHILDHOOD IN WAYS THAT I DID NOT KNOW WERE POSSIBLE

They went at it until the light of dawn after doing every position in the book. He fell asleep inside her, which she didn't mind especially after waiting for him what seemed like an eternity to her.

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Morning came and everyone was getting up. Kiara went to talk to her mother. There were still marks of yellow and black paint on her that very smudged.

"Hey Mum, enjoy yourselves last night?"

Nala was not in the least bit embarrassed by her question; everyone in the pride land was very open about sex.


EVEN TO THEIR CHILDREN. WHY DO YOU MAIM ALL THAT I HOLD DEAR.

"It was indescribable, Nala. The best I could ever get."

"What did he do?"

"He got his barbs removed so he could pleasure me more intensely."


“And I got him nothing. Because I am ingrateful.”
...
Oh my god
Nala is Kristian Stewart.............
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Kiara told Kovu about what Simba did for Nala and convinced Kovu to speak to Simba about it.


Oh god please no

"So Simba, did it hurt."

"Of course it hurt Kovu, but it was well worth it. Now the possibilities are endless!"


Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

That day Kovu, Kopa and Mheetu went to Rafiki for the operation.

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Simba established a new royal tradition that all potential suitors in pride must have circumcision in order to prove their loyalty, devotion bravery to the Kingdom.

The Lionesses of the pride land never looked happier!

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The end

Please read and review. I hope you all liked my first story.

I am inviting any one of my readers to write a story about Mother Nature's curse. Come on you know what I mean!

Peace to you all.

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All I can remember after I closed my eyes, was that first, it got real loud; then, it got real hot; then it got real slimy; then it got quiet; then it got.... unspeakable. And when I opened my eyes, the pool was empty, and three days had passed.
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MesserTod

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Post Tue Oct 23, 2012 1:19 pm

Re: FanFictionFrightmare: He Would Do Anything For Love

At one point I just started singing happily:

99 splinters on Simba's penis
99 splinters on Simbaaa!
Take one down
Pass it around
98 splinters on Simba's penis!
LPW Thread Wins: 23

Ranked #1 in forum posts, the only Veteran of the Great War. I am Interplosion's Tharol, I am your god

11037 never forget.

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