Chapter 1: the beggining
Oh god, I can tell this is going to hurt my brain.
autors note: okay just so you know i dont like this show. well sorta, but not really. but my older sister really like it though so i'm writing it for her as a present for her birthday. i hope that she likes it!
dedcated to my sister, haley
Ooooooooooohhhh no, no no no no no. It is NEVER good when someone writes a fanfic about a show they don’t like. This is gonna be bad, this is going to be very bad indeed.
-okay beginning now-
sherlock walks into the flat 221 street. he is wearing a scarf and has squinty eyes. then he sees john sitting on the chair in the flat. the flat is pretty and has many books in it.
Do you really need to mention Sherlock’s “squinty eyes”?
"hollo john" he says
"hello sherlock" john says but bitchily.
That’s not really a thing....
"what are you on your period or something?" said sherlock also bitchily (but john can sound way more bitchy because morgan freman plays him)
WHAT. MORGAN FREEMAN.
"you should know i'm not a girl after you spent all night sucking my dick " said john (john has the hots for sherlock even if he has squinty eyes)
W-what? Did... did he say the phrase “winky face”? Because why else would you put that there? And... and why would Sherlock’s squinty eyes affect whether or not John likes him? Did you make Sherlock asian? If you made Sherlock asian, does John not like asians?
(i bet john has a squinty eyes fetish)
Confused why I put that there? Wondering how that might be relevant ever? Now you know how I feel when I read the above.
"what?' said sherlock because he was deducing and not paying attention.
That... THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. WHEN HE’S DEDUCING HE’S PAYING ATTENTION TO EVERYTHING.
"oh nothing i guess that was a dream" said john sadly
"oh cool" said sherlock. (hes kind a dumbazz lol)
"anyways i came back from the store because lestrande says we have a new case"
“Lestrande”? That sounds like a sassy black lady....
"oh really?" john said. He got up and walked over to Sherolck. "Wow that's cool "
WHY IS THERE A SMILEY FACE?! DO YOU MEAN TO IMPLY THAT JOHN IS SMILING!? AAAAHHHHHHHHH
"We should go" said sherlock. "lestrande will be wondering where we're going"
I would assume Detective Inspector Sassy would think you’re going to the crime scene. Or to him to find out what the case is.
-some time later-
The crime scene was very bloody. It was at a muesum. everyone was there. even Anderson (everyones a bitch on this show and so is anderson). Anderson walked over to Sherlock and there was some black chick by him (she kinda looks like the girl from being human, lol i love that show you sould watch it)
ANYTHING YOU LIKE I WILL FIND A WAY TO DESTROY.
"Hi freaklock" Anderson said. (hes a jerk but he gets alot of dick he's like a pimp lol)
WAT. NO. That’s just a... NO.
"why don't you go fuck a dinosaur anderson" said Shelrock. 'jerk and also your cheatiing on your Wife."
Shelrock sounds like a pokemon....
"WHAT" said anderson (even though he's pimp hes still lame ) and then he ran off (but he didn't fuck a dinosaur like frealock said)
I... WHY AREN’T YOU JUST WRITING WHAT HAPPENS INSTEAD OF SAYING THINGS IN THESE QUOTATIONS!?! OH GOD IT’S HURTING ME AS MUCH AS MY IMMORTAL DID.
(i know i'm not that good but the story isn't that bad please review)
Is... this the end of the chapter? Also, saying you’re not that good, and then saying that the story isn’t that bad, MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. Oh my god I’m turning into Lewis Black...
Then Lestrane came by and that made stuff more interesting. (i like him hes cool).
That’s just... I can’t even.... Nothing works like.... How do you function?
"Hi sherlock" he said. "how is the case going"
WHAT IS THE CASE!? THAT HASN’T BEEN EXPLAINED AT ALL.
"Good" said Sherlock. "I think I know the killer"
"wow sherlock you're so hot" Said John.
"what?" said Sherlock.
"I mean smart" said john.
"i know right?" sherlock says
"can you just tell me who the killer is?"
“It was your tie, for it is a 1957 Pierre LeDeanstrou sky-blue three-shades-off-eggshell-white striped necktie fashioned in a full-windsor knot and crooked by about 5 five degrees off center.”
sherlock looked down at the body and narrowed his already squnty eyes. then some white words (it happens in the show guys don't flame me) appeared in front of him.
NO THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENS.
THE WORDS JUST APPEAR IN THE SHOW BECAUSE IT”S A WAY TO VISUALIZE HIS THOUGHT PROCESS. THAT’S NOT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS. I JUST.
HOW IS IT THAT YOU ARE ALIVE.
"the killer is anderson;" said Sherlock. "because he is a douche".
Seems reasonable. And by reasonable, I mean COMPLETELY FUCKING STUPID
"Ok arrest him guys" said Lestrende. "Thanks sherlock for your help".
"no problem," said Sherlock.
then they took away anderson, but someone was watching from the shadows. Someone who would want revenge.
It’s me. I want revenge for all the brain cells that died trying to process this.
-authors note: please r and r! i'll write more i have a great twist coming up -
Does “r and r” mean “Rend and Remove”? Because I will do that to you if that’s what it means.
Chapter 2: the skull
autors note: FCK H8TRS ! but for that 1 person who liked my fic thnx you 3 ! ! keep reviewin guyz!
Oh god, they’ve now achieved Tara level insanity regarding their reviewers....
-2 days earler-
anderson stempted through the doorway of the door. in side was a bunch of creepy sutff like spider web and a fish tank with deadly fish and a hammer head shark in it. and so was moriarty.
Was Moriarty in the fishtank? That wouldn’t surprise me actually, seeing as shark-punching is something that this magical badass would do.
(i hate moriarty i like to call him MoriFARTY. )
I HOPE YOU BURN
Adnerson sat down at the tabel across from moriarty "hello" he said.
“Goodbye,” said the punctuation of this story.
"hello anderson why are u here." said moryty
Ha, you’re implying that Moriarty never not knows everything that’s going on. How cute.
"well jim i was wonderi ng if uo could fix somthing for me." said Adnerson. (get it cause in the show they say 'jim can u fix it for me? :O)
OH GODDAMMIT DON’T START WITH THE “GET IT” SHIT IN PARENTHESES LIKE TARA
"wat?" said moriaty
Die in every concievable way that isn’t enjoyable to you.
"well u see in the future this guy caled sherlo-" said anderson
Either Anderson actually was the killer, or he somehow can see the future....I’m really scared to find out which it is.
"oh i know him hes tawsome" said moriatry
But you apparently don’t know punctuation.
"ikr anyways he arrests me in the da future so i ned you to kill Him." said adnerson
I cannot mathematically formulate how much of this is wrong. We’ll just say, a horrendous assload.
"how do u know the futre" morarty saided
A better question: HOW DID YOU SURVIVE PRESCHOOL WITH THIS LEVEL OF IDIOCY?
"well you see" said anderson
Oh what, are we gonna get a flashback now?
anderson is in the 21 baker Street wen he touches sherlocks skull (not his REAL skull under his ksin lol his UNREAL 1 on the s helf)
What am I doing with my life? Oh right, I sit here and read bad fanfiction while making jokes and insulting the author, BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS TO PUT THESE FUCKERS IN THEIR PLACES.
then he (dun dun dun)… COULD SEE THE FURTE
...... are you real?
-flashnack over -
Time to vomit it back up.
"cool faslback" said morirty
I swear that these fics will be the death of me.
"i know right"
Did... did you just hear what I said? OH GOD IT’S SELF AWARE.
"you no anderson you're really pimpin (well it's true read the first chatper of my sotry) so i think i will kill him for you"
I decided to hand this over to my assistant, Mr. WhiskerMuffins, for analysis. Mr WhiskerMuffins, what say you?
I’m right there with you.
"thnx then" said anderson.
"your welcome" said moriaty
If you stop what you’re doing right now I’ll make you rich, if you don’t, I’ll make you into shoes.
-back at the flat in the presnt time-
Can the present time be right after this fic is over? Please?
"i wonder what jim is doing now" sid sherlcok
Probably bringing down five different regimes and then installing his own puppet governments in their place. Or judging by what this author thinks he does, probably stroking a fluffy white cat.
"yea me to," said john wisfuly "last time we saw him was at the pool. remember it blew up becasue u shot the bomb then the water began to explode. moriatry jumped away on his motorcyle-copter and his snipsers fired up their lazers into the smoke and climed up them. i pushed you in too the water beloe and (can you guys tell im trying to add more desription to make it god ) saved us botg. then mcyroft came in and saved us. we never saw jim agan after that night.'
........................................................................ Well. That happened.
"yea john …. i know i was there." sherlock said.
HUMAN INTERACTION ALWAYS WORKS LIKE THIS PEOPLE.
john did not like moriatyy much he liked to call him MoriFARTY haha (like me) because sherlokc obvously liked him better. sherlock was a smart man who neded someone to kepe him intrestd john was simply a borin army docter. he wold nevr me as good as jim..
Dear DumbassFuckwadThatWroteThis (DFTWT),
he looked over at the skull which lay on the shelf. . . . . . . . and had an idea.
It’s a bad idea. No matter what happens.
(okay guys do u like it? i added some more long bits and i tried to make it good and put some good scifi stuff in it please REA DAND REVIEW
I’ll let Mr. WhiskerMuffins review this
I knew I hired him for a reason.
Chapter 3: the kill
Of this fic right?
athorus note: thnx for all the revews guyz! i really aprciate it btw i found soem bold font on my compter so now i;m going too bold some fstuff to mke it more dramatic ::)
Oh my sweet Giant Monkey Jesus no. No I refuse to allow that to be a thing I have to read. Just gonna board the Nope Train to FuckThatVille.
When did it become the not-present?
sherlokc and john were having dinner at a resuatrant. Angelo was theyre (it's funny because ANGELo and yea) and they were eatin g sphagetti becuase thats what italina people eat (or maybe angelo is spans hi cant remeber) and angelo brouhgt over soem candles and it was nice BUT THEN
I just felt a disturbance in my brain, like a thousand tiny brain cells cried out and were silenced at once.
a guy with a gun crahsede through the widow and shot sherlock dead and he fell to the floro dead and john said "OH NO" and held him in his arms
CAN THE FIC BE OVER RIGHT THIS INSTANT!?
a single tear dripped donw his check add it was sad. every one of the cnadels in the restuarnt was blone out. it was sad.
"WHO" said john. "WILL SOLVE THE CASE OF SHERLOCKS MURDOR IF HES DEDA"
Alright I confess, it was me. I just couldn’t stand to allow this fic to continue and sought a way to bring it to an end, obviously that failed.
it was a sad day.
For all of humanity? Yes, because holy shit how did you pass first grade? I bet you were the kid who ate glue but the teacher didn’t care because the parents stopped loving the child a looooooooooooong time ago.
-back at the flat-
john was stiging theye sad when all of a sudden the dore opend. in came a fmalr face- it was (dun dun dun) SHERLOCK.
........................... Good lord I traded Tara’s dramatic ellipses for that “dun dun dun”
"WOW SAID JOHN" "your mback!"
Wow “said the punc”tuation of this stor.y “That was” one “hel”l of a stroke.
"i know" said sherlcok "wait wat do yu o mean''
Someone kill me.
"no i didnt" said sherclok
"yea i didnt why do u say i did."
Because you did
"because you did!"
....... drinking bleach now.
"hmmph" said sherlck
That’s a response.
"okay" said john and then he went aoutside
WHAT. YOU’RE JUST GONNA... ABANDON THIS WHOLE “SHERLOCK GOT SHOT THING”? REALLY. OH GOD WHY ARE YOU ALIVE.
then he saw mrs hudson (who is uhso housclener) and she said john i need "to talk to you"
"oka " he said
mrshduson said "look sherlcok died"
But.... he didn’t.
"yeah i know " sdia john
WHY DO YOU USE SMILIES!? IS IT BECAUSE YOU EXPECTED ME TO RIFF THIS AND FELT IT NECESSARY TO MAKE ME CONTEMPLATE ENDING ALL OF LIFE?
"but hers here"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
"yea i know" said john
I DON’T. PLEASE ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN IN A WAY THAT WON’T MAKE ME DIE.
"see what happned is when sherlock touched the skull he sthins he saw the futue but realy his future self was swraped with his past self so his ptas self died and his futre self lived"
........................ I’m going to drown you.
"oh" said john. "okay"
SURE. JUST ACCEPT THAT.
"lok moriaty is trying to kill sherlock's fture slef you have to help him"
WHO IS SAYING THIS AND HOW WOULD THAT KNOW THIS.
john thought about what would happen if sherlock wa s a striper "I DEDUCE THAT UOU AR SEXY" he said
.... I..... What
"what" said mrs hudson
Mrs. Hudson is the only sane one around here.... maybe.
"nothing okat bye" said john going back
I need more bleach. A lot of bleach.
futuresherlock was there and he said "hi john"
Okay, how does the future version of Sherlock survive if the past version dies? Better question: WHY AM I TRYING TOI FIGURE THIS OUT.
John had a Freudian Slip there.
-1 day later-
That’s... Why would you just put a random transition? Like..... I just... Ow.
"okay hi" said anderson "you said you killed him but hes skill alive"
"i know" said moriaty. "because he touched the skull too"
He’s touched it a lot, it’s never been important until now. SO WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
It’s like DFTWT is intentionally mocking me by putting my thoughts into the fic.
"yes. which means that your past self has been aresttd and is in jail right now"
I think I’m actually going to die.
"good" said nadrson
"no not good"
"i mean tnot good " said anderson
"godo said" jim "anways we need to kill the other shrlokc too okay"
"okay" wait no
"okay i'm a pimp so i have lot of mony"
-1 day earlier-
Oh god don’t bring me back to life just to go through this again.
sherlokc touhec d the skullp
I just spent five minutes flopping around my room like an epilleptic trout due to the sheer idiocy of this. AND WE STILL HAVE 11 MORE CHAPTERS. If you need me, I’ll be in the corner weeping.
-1 day later, at the flat-
Make it stop. Please. I’ll do anything.
joh n touched the skull. (dun dun dun) (dun dun dan)
I cannot believe I am about to type this: Tara, please give DFTWT writing lessons.
autors note: thnxs for reviwing guzy! keep it up 3! :)
Die... Just die.
Chapter 4: the mycroft
I can only imagine what wrongess awaits us.
-presn t time-
WHAT THE FUCK DAY IS IT.
john told futuresherlock about the thing
"we hav e to go back in tim e and kill the man whos skull it is" said sherlokc. "if we can maek the skull not existed that w e can not die"
......................................................I’ve changed my mind. This is Frightmare. This is a Frightmare of the highest degree. This is a Frightmare of the highest degree and I’m scared.
"okay" said jonh "don't you have taht frendi with the blue poelice boxx?"
"no hes lookin for his frendis babeh"
If I could phonetically represent myself crying, I would.
"oh yeah wat about dat angle who can travle in tiem said john
Do... Do you mean Castiel from Supernatural?
"no hes GOD now (get it guyz haha)"said sherlokc
Oh my god you mean Castiel from Supernatural....
"so wat are we goin to do"
"god shrlock youre such a DUMBASS"
"i know : ( " said sherlock starting to cry
I really need a combination of scanners and a deluge of tears.
"no sherlokc dotn cry '" said john and huged him
No. Keep crying, flood the apartment with your tears and drown in them.
"thnx jon" said sherlokc "your so nice"
jonh liked futuresherlokc. hes likes him wenh realsherlokc only likes jim. this was nice.
W-what? The future sherlock isn’t the real Sherlock? I how what that’s just not even what how is it I can’t just what no.
"thnx your nice too"
He called you a dumbass, then when you started to cry as a result, he just said not to and hugged you. That sounds like an abusive relationship.
-1 day later-
It’s like 2015 by now.
jonh was out buying silk when he saw anderson walking on the street wait i thought we has arreststed : (
I cannot bang my head into the wall hard enough.
”oh no" said john"i have to tlel sherlokc"
No you don’t. Just keep this to yourself, so he dies, and we can all forget this happened.
-back at the flat0-
Now it’s 2088
"ok sherlokc i saw anderosn"
“He was coming out of some sex shop. A furry sex shop.”
Way to show concern for your safety.
"but u arrested him becuase he was a douche"
Yes, that’s what’s important.
"well he is but i nevr did that"
I... YES YOU DID.
"but yu did i was tere"
SO WAS I! NOT BY CHOICE.
"oh maybi that was my past self"
That.... That would mean you did it. Because your actions in the past still technically happen even if you were somehow a future version of yourself.
"oh yeah maybeh and then they had sex
Did John say this? Or Sherlock? Or ANYONE.
-1 day later-
sherlokc was shot desad by moriaty
"you bastrad "said john and he was goin to kill morifarty (haha!) when lal of a sudden sherlokc wakled through the dore
GODDAMMIT WHAT IS GOING ON. AM I DREAMING!? HAVE I GONE INSANE?! ALL THREE?!
"omg sherlokc you died"
"no tha t was my future slef" said hserlock
WHAT IS REALITY.
"oh yay" said john and huge d him
CLEARLY NOTHING NORMAL HAPPENS IN THIS WORLD. THE SKY IS MADE OF JELLO! RONALD REAGAN IS STILL PRESIDENT! WALDO RUNS THE CUBAN CIGAR TRADE RING! AMERICA RUNS HALF THE WORLD AND NO ONE CAN STILL FIND CARMEN SANDIEGO.
"john wyh are yu huggin me" said hserlock
“DFTWT, why are you failing speech harder than a dyslexic 2nd grader?” said everyone.
"oh hyea" john said sadly :( he remembered that it was futuresherlock that liked him not past sherlokc so yeah
How in the future is “futuresherlock”? Because unless John did something to change Sherlock’s opinion, he either likes him as a friend, or more than a friend. Anyone who knows anything about Sherlock Holmes knows that he and Watson are friends. And friends hug. It’s understandable that you wouldn’t know that, since you clearly loved by anyone in your life.
WHAT IS THIS DOING HERE? WHY IS IT SEPARATE FROM EVERYTHING ELSE? ARE YOU TRYING, AND UNFORTUNATELY SUCCEEDING, IN JUST TYPING OUT HOW I FEEL. STOP TORMENTING ME.
"anyways adnerson has espcaed from jaiil we have to find him"
Said The Voice of the Unknown Entity
"dam that pimp he esscap[ed"
Said The Mentally Disabled Brother of The Voice of the Unknown Entity
"yea i know let's go!"said sherlokc and him and john ran off into the horizon
The horizon of the flat? Is it an event horizon?
all of a sudden john died it was very sad sherlokc went to his furneal. violains played in th bacgrkound and john was ina casket all of a sudden
(DUN dun DUN)
What are you?
john wakled in the dore "hi sherlokc he said"
I feel like we’ve been here before, have we been here before?
"oh no you died" said hserlock "i deduce that u are laive"
"see htat was my past self thast died i am fine"
Oh my god this is happening again.
"ou are alive"
"i know itsnt it wdnferul"
"yes it is"
WHY DO RANDOM TRANSITIONS OF TIME HAPPEN WHENVER THE MOST FUCKED UP AND UNEXPLAINABLE THINGS TAKE PLACE.
"i didtn tell you too kill john to i told you to kill slerhock" said anderson
I THOUGHT HE DID.
"i no i didnt kill him" said moriaty "i only killed sherlokc
I THOUGHT HE DID.
"but hes dead"
THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT
"no he alive check"
THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.
adnerson checked "ok ahe is alive are u hapy now"
WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
"im alwyas happy" said moriaty "i have a moto cycle-copotr who wouldnt be happy"
EVERYTHING. NOTHING. I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
"i see" said adnerson
SEE WHAT? ARE YOU HEIMDALL? DO YOU SEE ALL? DO YOU? ANSWER ME?
"naways i need to kill Mycroft"
Hate you. Hate you both.
"because he knows too much and he is the voernment and he is getting supsioucs oka"
WHAT. WHAT HAS HE DONE. FURTHERMORE, WHO THE FUCK IS TALKING.
"ok ill pay you"
PAY WHO FOR WHAT TO DO WHAT TO WHO WHERE?
adnerson gave morty the mony and then he said "good luck"
HOW IS THAT A RESPONSE TO SOMEONE SAYING “GOOD LUCK”
-1 day later-
mycroft was found dead and was baed into a cake thsat he couldnt eat becuase he was ded the end
Was... was he killed and then baked into a cake? Or was he found dead, and then someone baked his corpse into a cake? Or was he offered a cake, but couldn’t eat because he was dead and then was found dead? Or was the cake dead and found on Mycroft’s body that he ate after it was baked?
and since he ner ver touhed the skull he couldn't come back
Okay, seriously, how does a skull allow people to not die? Is it the skull of Quixantantoh, the Adbodesarian God of Futureshfiting?
he gave shelokc hi sumbrela and the skull wahtced the hole tiem.
WHAT GAVE SHERLOCK THE UMBRELLA? THE CAKE? MYCROFT? THE GYM COACH? WHAT.
autors note: thnx for the reviews guyz keep it upsss! im wirting more tonit tried to maek the plot more intrestng so i hope it works tell me! 3
OH GOD NO THERE’S MORE.
Chapter 5: donovaons in this one guyz
WHY ARE WE ONLY ON THE FIFTH CHAPTER
autors note: omfg thnx for rewieving guyz you are TEH BEST : ) : )
And you are the worst. Ever. Of everything.
-1 day later-
4 weeks after Hitler’s takedown.
john was sittin g in the flat wathcing the news and eating jam and milk (srsly its lal poeple eat on this show) (they nede more porteen in there diet)
Do you even watch this show? They don’t just eat jam and milk. In fact, I don’t even think I’ve seen them eat just straight jam. I don’t even think they even eat jam.
al lof a suden on the tnews it said (dun dun dun TWIST COMINg up GUY)
I’m going to clone you 100,000 times, and then I’m going to hunt each and every one down. After I’ve killed the clones, and mounted their heads on the wall, I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From atop my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one.
moiraty was deda! (lol i mean dead)
When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming, as if heard from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow right before you, and from it will burst a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch naught but a glimpse of my perfection before being incinerated. As I cry tears of hot pitch, I shall take up my mantle and start my work. Because of you, I shall open the eight mouths, and sing the song that ends Creation.
Woah, what happened to me there? Did I threaten to end all of Creation? That happens sometimes when I reach a tipping point of anger.
"on ho" said jonh he could nt blevie it
I swear I just felt a vein burst in my head.
it said moiraty had ben killed by 1 of mycrofts bodyguards and his mortorcoptor had been towed by teh police and they were having an autcion but that wasn't TEH IMPOTRANT PART BEAUCUSE MOIRATY WAS DEA D
IF IT WASN’T IMPORTANT THEN WHY WRITE ABOUT IT. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
"fff" said john "this suck"
What, that the murderous psychopath that was hellbent on killing as many people as it takes for Sherlock to figure it out?
"ikr" said sherlokc he was lookin at the skull. (oh no)
.........BEGIN THE SONG.
-2 days later-
anderson was dead and it was sad (but not really beucase he was a douche no mater hwo much dick he got) and it was sad and sherlokc was there and so was john at the funeral.
"we will all miss anderson eve nif we has a jerk" said lestraaaande "he was a good dog both in snifing and when we would have BDMS sex and he wolud sniff my pantees- i mean when he did drugs busts"
Also, it’s official, Lestrande is totally a sassy black woman. No non-sassy black woman has a name with that many sequential a’s.
"NOOOO" said Donovan (the balck chick i looked up her name so i could be liek the actalu show ) "NOOO"
STOP IT. JUST STOP IT. STOP EVERYTHING YOU’RE DOING. EVEN BREATHING. ESPECIALLY BREATHING.
"i know were all sad but we have to find out who did it" sadi lestrande "alot of murder s have hpanneid and hserlock wood yu like the case"
Why are you sad? He’ll just come back since he touched the skul- Oh god If i’m right I might just cry until I drown in my own tears.
"yeah i would." said sherlock. "yeah i would."
"cool who do you think it is"
"i think its mortarty" because he is a douche sherlock said
That’s right, the dead guy is killing you all.
"but moirarty DIED "
Doesn’t matter, Magic Horseshit Skull
"i know but some peopel come back becuse they touch my skull"
I’ll get the crying tub.
"I HAVE AL SO TUOCHED HIS SKULL" said john loudly so every one would beleive him
"and by skull i mean dick" he said quitlyer
I THOUGHT ONLY THE FUTURESHERLOCK LIKED WATSON. WAIT WHY DO I CARE! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
"we have to tke him to a menntal hopsital" said Donavon "TO TEH METNAL HOPSTIAL"
THEY’RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY, AHA. THEY’RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY HOHO. HEHE HAHA, THE FUNNY FARM.
autors note: thnx guyz i hope it is getting better tell me if the bold font i s working and if its more like teh show now becuase it has donavon in it
THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THE SHOW. AT ALL.
Chapter 6: the coptor boss
Okay. Halfway through. I can do this. I can totally do thi-
autors note: thnx so much for eveytrhing guyz :3 30 plus revwies
I CAN’T DO THIS. OH GOD I CAN’T.
-1 day later-
The heat death of the universe.
sherlokc was chillin in the mental hopsital wem all of a sudenn john came…
….crahsing trhoo the wall that is and he was in a MOTORCYLCE COPTOR like a boss (lol i love that song ea t a bagle like a bosssss) (john sould eat more bag els insted of just eatin jamNmilk)
"oh" said shlerock
CAN YOU NOT WRITE GORRAM ANYTHING ELSE YOU STUPID HORRIBLE PIECE OF SHIT.
"awwww yeah" said john "hop on"
Wait... WHY WEREN’T YOU THROWN INTO THE HOSPITAL.
"fuck da ploice" said john (wat are poliece called in egnland or whereever this is lol : )) anways and they ro d e offf into the nihgt
I think I was just broken.
"how did u get this" said sherlock coolly
"well i went to the selly bid thign and got it from moriaty or the poliece (lol i have to re red my own fan fictoni! i am such a sapz) " said john
"but how di d you get ht e mony?"
“Bitches, Sherlock. I got the money through bitches.”
"not from adnerson even thought hes a pimp i sold the skull"
WHY WOULD ANDERSON BE A FACTOR. WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING HIM A PIMP. HE’S NOT. AT ALL.
"why would yu sell the skull" sherlokc said "WHYY"
WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND GRAMMAR!? WHY!?
"to pya for the heli"
"we have tget back my skull"! said sherlokc and they where aoubt to dramaticllay go wen then they saw …. (DUN DUN DUN) ANDERSON!
Chapter 7: the anderson
Chapter 7: The Vodka-Bleach cocktail
-on the street were th ey saw adnerson-
During the French Revolution
"anderson wat r yu doing" said sherlokc
Wondering what the fuck is going on in this world. I SWEAR I MUST BE DREAMING.
"well freaklock i was just goin g to fukc a dinousar" said adnerson
That’s such blatent sarcasm that anyone who misses that will be purged by Mr. WhiskerMuffins
"omgrellay" said hslerock
"no not relay uyou bumass (brisths poeple ar so wierd lol thye say stuf like bumass)" said anderson
NO ONE SAYS BURNASS YOU BURNASS.
"oh " said sherlokc "any way s wat ar yu doing"
NO. NO WE WILL NOT DO THIS AD INFINITUM. YOU BURNASS.
"what do u mean"?" said anderson
He means “Die in a hole, burnass”
"i mean why ar u in the stret i arestted you" said sherlock
Nothing matters in this fic. Just on my way to get the mail I ran over three children and no one gave a damn.
"oh i got released" said adnerson
“Yeah, I just sort of asked them to release me and they did! It was awesome. Then I robbed a bank just by walking in with a burlap sack with a dollar bill sign on it.”
"but yu died"
So? You died like eight times or something. Everyone has infinite respawns, apparently.
"no i didnt why did u think i dided" said adnerson
"becuase you did it was on fxo news it HAS TO BE TRYUE"
DID..... DID YOU JUST INCLUDE SOME SATIRE!? DID THAT JUST HAPPEN!?
"oh i didnt bye" saidh adnerson and he wacked off
"well said john" said john "waht do we do no"
Maybe walk away from the guy masturbating in public.
"we find my skull" sinad sherlok (guyz keep reding i got s a ttwist coming up ) hint it has to od with skulls)
Please stop with all the twists, you’ve made crazy straws insanely jealous and my career is at risk.
M. Night Shenaniamylan
Chapter 8: the scene
Of my death.
-2 mins befor-
lestrande was walking on the srete wen he was mudered by an UNEEN KILLER taht he couldnot seee so dide the end (im sad that i had to killl him but itwas to maek the plot more intresting)
WHY DOES NOTHING MAKE SENSE. WHY IS THERE SO MUCH REDUNDANCY.
-3 mins atfre-
john and sheelock went to the paw shop (or lol whetaver its called lol:)) and tehn they got bakc the skull and they went back to thier flat on the motor cyclecopotr and they were in th e flat.
.............. OKAY THEN
it twas pretty and had many boks in it. it also had some other sutff. anyway hten john sat donw and then serhock said
AND THEN AZOG BLEW THIS SHIT SKY-HIGH.
Now go away.
"oh look lestrande is ded " said sherlokc
Gorrammit, I said go away. Just... leave.
"WHAT" said jonh "oh no"
WHY DOES IT MATTER. HE PROBABLY FUCKED THE SKULL AND WILL COME BACK OR TIME TRAVEL OR TURN INTO A FUCKING GOOMBA FOR ALL WE KNOW. NOTHING MAKESE ANY GORRAM SENSE.
so they went to the crime scene and tehy saw adneerson there and he was sad and donvan and evyerone else too (lol i can not remmebber who the other poliiiece r)
The killer could literally be standing ontop of Lestrande’s corpse shitting into a paper bag and screaming “HEY I KILLED THIS FUCKER! TASTE MY BAG-SHIT!” and no one would suspect a thing.
"HOLLO SHERLOCK" said adnerson loudly "DO YU NO THE KILLER"
“No Anderson, but do you believe in magic?”
"no" sid sherlokc but then he saw a little note wirtenn in BLUDD BLOD BLOOD (lol how du yu spell it) and it was in hanwriting that looks fmailar to him
FUCK YOU, BURNASS
"JOHN" he sadi "look stuff"
DOUBLE FUCK YOU
john looked at it
I shall end all you hold dear. Your world shall burn around you as I stand there, laughing.
Chapter 9: the molly
-2 hors later-
(haha i just thot of a great pun andesron is A PIMP so he fucks dinoHORES lol i bet he lieks my litell pony or that 1 show wiht the dinos in it or maybeh glee i think thye mentined dinos in one episoda lol i haet gly tat is wyh anderoson must luv it beausce fuckig adneerson son sherlokc is just jelly or jam lol of hsi pimpa-tude)
sherlokc was in the flat wit john the motorcoptor was parkered otside and anyway they were in the flat.
THEY WERE AT A CRIME SCENE AND THERE WAS A NOTE. PLEASE UNDERSTAND HOW BASIC FUCKING STORYTELLING WORKS. NO. FUCK IT. PLEASE UNDERSTAND HOW ANYTHING FUCKING WORKS.
"beware i am comming for (LOL TATS WATH SHE SAID) yu" says sherlock as He readed alod the note in blodd
DID HE WRITE IT DOWN? DID HE JUST PICK UP THE SECTION OF ASPHAULT THAT HAD THE NOTE ON IT? HONESTLY BOTH SEEM LIKELY.
"hmm i wondr but yu ar smarty shercock i am sur you will find the aswner (sherlokc shold be in huflepuffle)" said john
I can feel my lifespan shortening because of this.
"shercock" said sherlock (oooooh thsi is gettin god)
I WILL BREAK YOU
"whoops i meant sherlock anyways lets go to the molly lab i bet sh ecan maek us soem coffy (and mayby jam and milkle lol) and tell us bout the noet" (i bet jonh wood want sherlokc to be a slitherin becus slithins are hot lol tom fettton for lief)
"okay too the mollylab" said sherlokc and they went on their coptor to the Molly Lab.
Oh dear sweet heavenly Japanese Robo-Jesus, please save me.
-at mollys lab-
jim from it was not theyre (LOL BECAUUSE HE S DEDA) but MOLLY WASN T ETHER BECUS SHE WAS DEAD TWO)
"noo molly" said sherlokc "she was not hot but He mad good coffy" (poor sherlokc or shud i say shercock )
At first I was like “WOW, SOMEONE ACCURATE CHARACTER DEPICTIONS!” And then I realized what I said and cried for six hours.
(darmatic wink-y face lol)
but then they turns the cornor to find none otter then….. (tis is the gib TWISTS)…. LESTRENDE.
HOW IS SOMETHING WE EXPECTED A TWIST? OH WAIT. IT FUCKING ISN’T
Chapter 10: the lestrenda
-at the molly lamb-
"hollo lestrande" said herlock (he cud not saty dead for long becuuase hes the only not bitchy charatar)
"hello sherlok" said lestrande
WHY ARE YOU ALIVE? ACCORDING TO THE RULES YOU HAD TO HAVE TOUCHED THE SKULL AND YOU DIDN’T TOUCH THE SKULL AND OH MY GOD WHY THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT THIS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
"OH WAIT YOU ERE DEDA why ar yu not dead" said sherlock.
GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STOP ECHOING MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. JUST STOP.
"well yu see i was in hell when alofasudden i saw moritarty flowing down on bouitfull wite wignis wings that we attatched to his motocucle-copter and he rayed me frmo perdyiton (lol destiel 4lief!) (and wat ever lestrande/moriparty is)"
"wow really *_*" said sherlock………,,,…,…..,
"no of course not dubmass" sadi lestraende "god yu can be so dubm sometimes"
And there’s the sass. Also, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
":(" said sherlock "but you were dead, for realz-"
DID HE SAY “FROWNY-FACE” OR “COLON PARATHENSENSIS” IF HE DIDN’T, THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SAY THAT HE SAID AN EMOTE. GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
"r yu just trollig me" sadi john "AND NO 1 CALL SMY BOYFREIND A DUBMASS exept for me". and then he punched lestrande
If Lestrande bitchslaps John it will make this whole experience worth it.
"bboyfreind?' said lestrande "OOOOOH"
I’ll hold your errings, Lestrande. And your weave, especially your weave.
"no i mean friend taht is a boy" sid john
Yeah, that’s why you said “my friend,” oh wait YOU SAID BOYFRIEND BECAUSE YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HIM OR SOME SHIT.
"oh ok anways wyh did yu saw i wsa dead" ssaid lestrenda
Because your atrocious grammar gives away your undeath.
"beucae you where i think"
THERE WAS NO “THINK” HE WAS DEAD. WE WERE TOLD HE WAS DEAD. YOU SAW THE CRIME SCENE, and follow me on this part, WHERE HE WAS DEAD
"no i werent youd shoyld be in a metnal ospital"
HE WAS ALREADY IN THE MENTAL HOSPITAL, AND YOU WERE DEAD. AHHHHHHHHHHH
"yuo alreddy put me in one tho" said shecolk.
No, THAT WAS EVERYONE ELSE. OH GOD WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH.
"oH SHnap BUnnn (i mean burn lol)" siad jonh
Daddy, I don’t want to be in FFF-land anymore.
"yu guyz are nuts i nevre did that buye" said lestrende
"WAHT IS HAPENNIG SAID" sherlokc
I DON’T KNOW, I’VE BEEN WONDERING THAT MYSELF FOR ABOUT ALL OF THIS STO- OH GOD WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE AGAIN AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
"i dont no lets get otu of here" siad john
......... Did you just write that because you wanted to taunt me? YOU JUST WROTE THAT JUST TO TAUNT ME. YOU BURNASS.
autors note: keep reviwing uys i got a twist comig UP!
Okay, you’ve crossed the line now. Me and my assocciates are coming after you. I hope you like rivers.
Die in a fire,
M. Night Shalamadingdong
Chapter 11: the mycroft TWO
BUT HE’S DEAD. YOU SAID HE DIDN’T TOUCH THE SKULL. YOU SAID HE DIDN’T TOUCH THE SKULL
-1 day later-
sherlock and john were wakling on the stret whehn they saw….. MYCROFT
BUT HE’S DEAD.
HATE. ALL OF MY HATE.
"my croft i thot you were dead" said sherlock.
SO DID I, BUT APPARENTLY DFTWT LIKES TO MAKE MY BRAIN SCREAM IN PAIN AND AGONY
"no i'm not." said mycroft.
BUT YOU WERE BAKED INTO A CAKE
"but yu where baekd into a caek-" sherlokc sid
"i would liek to be beaked into a cake so i cood eat it but anyways im not dead" said mycroft
"you must be the furtue mycorft" said sherlokc "beucase past mycroft is on a deit"
"your nuts" said mycroft.
"NO IM nOT I DEDECED IT SO IT MUST BE TRYUE" said sherlokc lodly
"i love you sherlock." said john
My eyes are pulsing.
"SEE JONH AGREES WIHT ME I DiD DEDUEC IT". said sherlock.
Pulsing with rage.
mycroft wakled away twilling his umbrella (whos name is lesty and he lieks to cudle it at nihgt and pertend it is lestrande)
sherlokc and john sat down.
DID THAT JUST HAPPEN
"this sucks" said sherlock. "i guss mhy skull relly gets around."
"i know, right?" said john "this is worse then wen i walkd in on my parents…"
"john i dodnt care" said sherlock
"…makin oreos." said john.
"oh." said sherlokc (lol) "wait dont you haev a bro namd OREO?"
"(gasp) how did you no :O" said jonh
"beucase i knwo evyerhting, john."
Except how to make this fic not hurt as much.
"*_*" said john
NO ONE SAYS “ASTERISK UNDERSCORE ASTERISK” YOU GIGANTIC FUCKWEASEL
"because i know…. everything."
but their was 1 thing sherlokc didnt know (other thna that john has the hots for mhi lol ) but it was still hding in the shadows… waitin….. for…. the…..rite…..MOMENT (did i scare you? )
Chapter 12: the short one
Not short enough.
-1 day latr-
Inside Jennifer Aniston’s colon
sherlcok and john were still sititg their liek hoboz. (becuase they totali ar lol )
................................................... STOP IT. STOP, NOT, SUCKING AT THIS.
"sherlock we need to go hoem" said john
You need to go drink hydroflouric acid
"why said" sherlokc
HOW CAN YOU NOT GRASP THE CONCEPT OF QUOTATIONS? HOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW
"becuse i forgot my towel" said jonh
HOW IS THAT IMPORTANT. HOW. HOOOWWWWWW. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
"so" said sherlokc
EXACTLY. WHY DOES A TOWEL MATTER.
"buuuuut iiiiiii neeeeeeeed ttttttti" siad sherlock i mean john (lol)
"fien let sgo" said john
-at the flat-
sherlcok and johm wakled intoo find….SHERLOCK AN DJOHN
autors note: im sorry this oen is hsort but i m ritting a supre long (baby) long 1 fer yu guyz latr so yea i hopy you like it :0
My leg just detatched itself in a vain attempt to escape this.
Chapter 13: the confession
My confession: HATE YOU
-at the flat-
Inside a volcano
"wat i donot udnerstand" said sherlokc "I CAN T DUEDUCE WAHT IS HAPPNING"
NO ONE CAN. IT’S JUST FUCKING AWFUL
John sighed and ran a hand through his sandy hair. "I can't even understand what they're saying, Sherlock. This has gone on far too long."
Sherlock nodded and tightened his scarf a bit. It was silent in the flat for awhile as both parties stared each other down- sherlcok's twisted, squinty brown ones into Sherlock's own bright blue ones.
"sherlokc what is hapying" siad john
WHAT IN THE NAME OF R’HLLOR IS GOING THE FUCK ON.
"i dont no" said sherlkc "i love you john"
"i love you to" said john
"Wow, they really are nothing like us." said Sherlock. "It's fascinating."
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS GORRAM PILE OF FUCKING SHIT
"Yeah, nothing like us… said John with a hint of sadness in his voice. Then he reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a gun. "Right, down to business."
Someone tell me what’s happening.... Please.... I just can’t figure out what’s happening.
"wat r u futre selfs" said sherlokc
"No, no we aren't." John sighed.
"btu we tuched the skull" said john
"Oh, you guys think that touching the skull makes you travel in time? Of course it doesn't! Why would it do that?"
WHAT THE ALMIGHTY FUCKING FUCK FUCK
"wel we thot" said sherlock
"No. What it does do is make clones."
BECAUSE THAT MAKES AS MUCH IF NOT MORE SENSE
"cloens?" said john
"Yeah… sure. Anyways, every time someone touches the skull, it creates a new clone. Each clone is further separated from the original. You two are the last ones of the batch."
WHY WOULD THAT BE A THING? IS IT THE SKULL OF QUIXANTANTOH’S BROTHER, STEVE?
"I initially discovered you doppelgangers after hearing that I 'arrested Anderson because he is a douche'. While Anderson does have a jerkish nature, I have never arrested him. And after running into the real one, never having been arrested, I assumed that we had clones running around. What I never suspected is that there were also clones of Mycroft, Lestrade, Mrs. Hudson, and even Molly." said Sherlock.
"We had to get rid of them, eventually. So we hired assassins to kill them off. But more kept coming, and we were having a hard time keeping track. That's when Sammy came in." said John.
With those words, out stepped… something… from the shadows. It walked on all fours and carved long scratches in the floor with each swipe of its long, slender hands. From it's vaguely human arms, bones screamed out from thinly-veiled skin. It's skin… oh god, it's skin… pale and impossibly smooth, it stretched over each fragile bone and organ like latex over a ballon. A long, thin tongue swathed forward from it's mouth and dripped across the floor with a hiss. And from beneath it's long hair, two pupiless red eyes glared out.
............................................................. THE FUCK
"Meet Sammy," said Sherlock. "She followed you around everywhere and then recorded your every action in an online diary. By reading it, we could figure out where you were at all times."
......... DID..... DID YOU JUST GO META? DID...... DID THAT JUST FUCKING HAPPEN.
John patted her gently on the head, and Sammy hissed in return. She whispered in a crooked alien voice, that chilled like ice, "(holo boiyz)…"
John then walked over to the shelf and gripped the skull tight with one definite hand. He glanced over at Sherlock, who nodded in agreement.
OH GREAT, NOW THERE’S ANOTHER CLONE.
"NOOOOOOOO" said sherlokc
"NOOOOOOOOOO" said john
And then John smashed the skull on the ground.
NOW END. END FOREVER AND NEVER RETURN
Chapter 14: the flowers in a box
John awoke to the sound of paper fluttering. His head was still spinning from the remnants of the nightmare that plagued him that night. He had been slumped in the armchair.
Oh it was just a dream............ OH MY GOD IT WAS A DREAM....... A DREAM ABOUT A MAGICAL SKULL THAT CREATED CLONES THAT SPOKE WITH HORRENDOUS GRAMMAR AND BROUGHT FORTH THE END OF CREATION.
John rubbed his neck. From somewhere behind him Sherlock murmured, "You fell asleep."
John looked behind him to find Sherlock sitting at the desk. "I had the weirdest dream…" John said. "Your skull… it could do this stuff…" He found himself grasping to remember.
I find myself grasping for a way to forget this.
"A package came for you in the mail," Sherlock said without looking up from the case file. John noted the two nicotine patches on his arm before getting up. Guess the Cherofsky murders aren't a three patch problem yet… h thought.
The box was sitting on the floor. John knelt down and thrust open the tape. He unfolded the brown cardboard to reveal… flowers?
A box of flowers? Hmm, that's a new one?
BECAUSE THAT’S WHY IT’S CALLED “FLOWERS IN A BOX” GET IT? FUCKING GET IT?
The army doctor then swept the flowers aside to find a manuscript hidden beneath. It was dirty and rugged up, with a lazy sketch of a skull on the front and just a hint of a tongue print beneath.
FLOWERS IN A BOX: BY SAMLICKER113
John's eyes drifted to the skull on the shelf as he flipped to the first page.
And as he read on and on for the next hour, the skull still stayed there watching.
Author's Note: So yeah guys, I suppose this is the end. It's been a fun ride
I will murder you in your sleep. I will find wherever you live and carve you like a christmas ham. Your body shall be unrecognizeable to the extent that it won’t even be considered a human corpse.
Well then, that was fucking awful. I’m going to treat us next time with some ComicsNix. He always makes things better.