Chapter 2: Let’s All Have Some Bacon:
His back was sore, his neck was sore, and his left pinky toe hurt like a bitch. Groaning, he tried to remember what happened to him, and like a terrible movie cliche it all came rushing back to him. The game room, the pizza, the lab, Azog shoving a needle into his neck, the jockstrap incident, all of it. Tod, who was shirtless for some reason, woke up in a room he never knew existed until this moment when he woke up in it. Also, he was tied to a chair.
“Hey, where the hell am I? Is this some evil torture chamber? Because if so you’re doing it wrong.” He said to someone he was hoping was there, and lo and behold there was, but Tod couldn’t see that. He continued to try and struggle against the earth-ropes that were keeping him secured to the chair, when he realized it was earthbent there. “Morbid?! Are you back? From the Phallic Beyond?” Tod said, slightly fearing the potential zombie penis that could be anywhere in the darkly lit room.
The figure approached Tod with a very menacing gait. The figure appeared to be wearing a robe with a really cool hat, the shadows obscuring its face. “Okay, stop with the act, who are you? Are you working for Azog and Xicon? You are, aren’t you? Yeah, you totally a-” Tod was cut off by a glove made of earth shooting out and covering his mouth. “Shut up.” the figure that sounds like a male so we’ll just assume it’s a guy said. “Who I work for is not important. What they are up to is not important. There is no Uprising in the Mansion. Here we are safe. Here we are free.” The man then bent a ring of metal up around him and placed a lantern on it. Lighting it, he then began to bend the lantern around the track, Tod’s eyes began following it. “There is no Uprising in the Mansion. Here we are safe, here we are free.” The man repeated. “Azog and Xicon are up to nothing. There is no Uprising in the Mansion. Here we are safe, here we are free.”
Tod’s eyes began to glaze over...
It was lunchtime when Tod, now re-shirted, joined everyone in the Mansion for a banquet of grilled cheese. “Hey Tod, how’d everything go?” Zaphod asked as he kept a wary eye on Deimos, who kept looking at him while sharpening one of his many knives. “Everything’s fine, Azog and Xicon aren’t up to anything, just trying to improve their meth.” He replied in a somewhat more monotone voice than usual. “Concern,” McWeird said as he was trying to fix his juicer so he could eat some grilled cheese. “I’m fine McWeird, just tired, I’m going to go lay down.” Tod then got up without finishing his sandwich.
“Do you think something might’ve happened to him?” SHG asked, looking at the retreating figure with concern. “He’s probably just bummed out he wasn’t right about Azog and Xicon, you know how he never really got to fight them over what happened last time.” Bob pointed out. “Revenge,” McWeird said as he gave a grilled cheese to his favorite spider, Mrs Bitey, “Yeah, maybe he’s just out for revenge, I would be too if I had been kidnapping and forced to shit in the corner.” Zaphod said now trying to climb over the table to escape his Aussie Arch-nemesis, who for some reason now had a crocodile draped over his shoulders like a savage river-predator-scarf.
“I think they might’ve did something to him, maybe the brainwashed him!” SHG said immediately fearing who else Azog and Xicon might have in their clutches. “Or maybe they actually made an army of cyborgs that look just like us and are planning on having us fight ourselves!” Bob said sarcastically while rolling his eyes. “Honestly SHG, I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about, except that rattling in the vents. Hey Rio, did you ever find out what that was?” Rio nodded, “Yeah, it was just some rats that had gotten into the ventilation, I got the ones I found, but there’s definitely gonna be more, so better get used to that noise.”
“Should we warn Nick? He lives in there after all.” Dawn said with concern regarding their insane friend. No one had seen Nick or Major Mustachio ever since the first uprising, though they heard him rambling on occasion about pictures, pictures of Spider-Man. “I tried when I was in there,” Rio explained, “but the doors to his room were closed, I slipped a note in there just to make sure he was informed.” N7 then walked in, to the astonishment of absolutely no one. “Hey guys, what’s going on?” Bob chuckled, “SHG thinks that Azog and Xicon have brainwashed Tod, there are rats in the vents, and Nick continues to be crazy.” N7 just nodded as he began eating a sandwich, amused by the look on Zaphod’s face as Deimos keeps trying to poke him with a machete, unaware that machetes are for hacking, not stabbing.
“What did I do to piss you off, Deimos?!” Zaphod yelled before managing to duck away and started running for his froggy-life. “You were born.” The Aussie responded before stalking after his prey. Zaphod was so busy pissing his pants he didn’t notice the box that the narrator conveniently placed in front of him. Running straight into the box, Zaphod proceeded to fall down approximately 14 flights of stairs the narrator had conveniently built for this exact moment!
“Well, that happened.” Bob said before returning to his grilled cheese. “I can’t believe you all are ignoring the fact that Azog and Xicon are-” “Azog and Xicon are doing what now?” Azog said walking into the room, his fancy purple scarf billowing in a breeze that shouldn’t be there and yet it was. Xicon came in behind him chuckling. “Honestly, it’s like you guys think we would be so silly as to plan another Uprising so shortly after the first one failed. Not to mention the fact that we’re unaware of any magical artifacts that Rando might have that would warrant an Uprising.” SHG scowled, “I still don’t trust you two, I don’t know why Rando allowed you guys to stay.” It was at this point Rando decided to show up in the story.
“SHG, I’ve explained this before, I let them stay here because otherwise things would get boring. You have to admit, even though it may result in a few deaths, uprisings are fun.” SHG just stared at Rando with a dumbfounded look before stomping out of the room, casting a nasty glare back at Azog and Xicon. “Well,” Azog said, “that was rude of her.” The two scientists stayed for a sandwich or two before returning to their lab, unaware of someone who the narrator says is SHG following them.
SHG was surprisingly able to keep hidden from the pair of dashingly handsome scientists even though the hallways have zero suits of armor to hide in. “I’ll catch them in the act, no plan like this has ever failed!” SHG thought to herself as she tip-toed behind all the way up the stairs that lead to the attic. The door was locked so, left with no other options, she decided to bite the bullet, and knocked...
“COME BACK HERE YOU AMPHIBIOUS BASTARD!” Deimos shouted as he ran after a fleeing Zaphod who had stolen the Aussie’s Crocoscarf because he has a death wish. “When do you think they’ll just admit they love each other?” bob asked McWeird and Dawn as they sat in the standing room trying to get “Moves Like Jagger” out of their heads. “I hope it’s soon,” Dawn said “it’s plainly obvious that they’re meant to be together.” “Jagger” McWeird said as he nodded his head giving absolutely no indication as to what he actually was saying about the subject at hand. “Yes McWeird, I’ve got the song stuck in my head too, no idea why thought, it’s probably not plot relevant.” It was at this point that SHG walked in.
“So SHG, did you catch Azog and Xicon in the middle of their dangerous scheme?” bob teased and received a blank stare in return from the waterbender. “Azog and Xicon are up to nothing, there is no uprising in the Mansion.” She then proceeded to leave the room, almost running into Rando on the way out. Rando ran in screaming, “WHO WANTS SOME BACON I STOLE FROM SPACEBASS!?” And that’s how the chapter ended.
“The time is soon approaching, comrades.” Wait, who said that? I said the chapter was over! WHO’S TALKING!? “We shall wipe out these insignificant animals in the name of our Overlord!” Seriously, WHO IS SAYING THIS! “We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them on the lands.” CHURCHILL? IS THAT YOU? “And more importantly, we shall fight them, IN THEIR HOME! VIVA LA REVOLUTION!” The narrator then pissed his pants at the sound of the rallying cry that came as a result of this mysterious speaker, unaware of the glowing red eye sneaking up behind him....
Will the narrator be alright? Why is he being roped into this? Will anyone be able to stop Azog and Xicon’s plan? Who is this mysterious speaker? All these questions and more won’t be answered, in the next installment of INTERPLOSION! THE SECOND UPRISING: THE WRATH [SPOILER]!
All I can remember after I closed my eyes, was that first, it got real loud; then, it got real hot; then it got real slimy; then it got quiet; then it got.... unspeakable. And when I opened my eyes, the pool was empty, and three days had passed.