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Azog Presents: FFF - My Immortal: Chapters 1-20



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Post Fri Feb 10, 2012 10:54 am

Azog Presents: FFF - My Immortal: Chapters 1-20

Welcome all to the opening week of Azog and Xicon’s Fan Fiction Friday!!! Each week, the two of us will share with you some deadfully awful pieces of fanfiction with our commentary thrown in. Though instead of working my way to more difficult stories like a pansy, I decided to just go for the Mt. Everest of FanFictions: My Immortal. I’ve got several resources that will help me get through this: A proverbial party tray of images for times where I simply can’t say anything. A strong, burning feeling of self-loathing, and a box full of kittens that I will sacrifice when needed to be granted the strength needed to continue. And with that said, let’s get this shit-train moving, shall we?

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)

Already I’m going to stop this and offer the following: Image, Image. For starters, “goffick” is either you being non-conformist in your spelling of the name of a group of people the pride themselves on being non-conformist, in which case, good job. Or, a far more likely explanation, you’re just blatently ignoring the most obvious spelling error I’ve ever seen. Also, please burn for your use of the word “fangz” as a replacement for “thanks”

2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Ugh, it’s only the second “sentence” of your introductory “Author”’s Note and you’ve already caused me another break. Image. Anyway, let’s ignore the spelling errors for a moment, don’t worry, we’ll get to them, and focus on the other problems. Why would you call someone your gf if you think it’s “ew,” and then force yourself to clarify that it’s “not in that way?” Furthermore, there’s more than one person to blame for this? Oh sweet baby Jesus, this is going to be great. Anyway, is the person your saying is “da luv of your deprzzing (more on that later, trust me) life” Justin Beiber? Because he does “rok.” Also, was it necessary to say the MCR “rox?” Haha, that was rhetorical, it wasn’t necessary at all!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way


and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)


with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).

Goddammit, stop making have to stop. So, not only do you not understand the concept of a comma, but you’re going to tell anyone that doesn’t know Amy Lee to get the hell out of your story? Do you even care about the people that read this? I’m sure this was just a mistake, and that you’ll be considerate to all readers. Though, I have to say, I find it odd that you described yourself as looking like what I am to assume is a celebrity, even though you felt like talking about your hair and eyes with some detail. Oh, I’m sorry. Was it not obvious this was a blatent author insert? Because it is.

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.

Would Hogwarts allow a Vampire to attend it? That seems like a major health risk for the students.

I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black.

Alrighty, now we’re going somewhere with this. Let’s point somethings: Hogwarts is in Scotland. The rest of your class must be either genius’, or dumbasses, because I’m finding it hard to believe you’re the only seventh year at Hogwarts. Next thing, thank you for clearing up the confusion that you’re goth, because based off of what was said earlier I thought you were a gof.

I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Does Hot Topic exist in the Wizarding World? Even so, did Hogwarts get rid of its dress code? Is it the weekend where you might be able wear whatever you want? Why did you wear white foundation if you have pale white skin? Is it raining or is it snowing? Is it sleeting? Is sleeting the word you were looking for? If it’s sleeting then shouldn’t you be worrying about your make-up? Can you clarify what a prep is? Is a prep a non-goffik, non-goth person? Or is it someone that wears uniforms as per the rules of the school? THE QUESTIONS ARE ENDLESS!

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy!

Was that ellipsis necessary? Hah! That was rhetorical, of course it wasn’t.

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

Draco Malfoy. Shy. I understand that most fanfics alter some aspects of a character’s personality to better fit the story, but making Draco Malfoy shy in the presence of a girl he just shouted at to get her attention seems to be doing it wrong.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

Well now we’ve reached the end of the first chapter. Wait. That was the end of the first chapter?! But there are so many unanswered questions! Well now I’ve got to continue reading, otherwise I’ll never know! Well played madam, well played indeed.

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

I will abstain from telling you how bad this is.


AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

Again, what’s a prep? And how do you know that only preps flamed you? Also why would you- Oh ho ho ho ho, I see what you’re doing here. Yep, you’re enticing me with more questions! You clever girl you.

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.

DAMN YOU AND YOUR ENIGMAS! NOW I’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOUR FRIENDS CALLED YOU! Also, it is sleeting right? That’s the word you’re trying to use right?

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

This just in: The Redundant Department of Redundant Redundancy Department has issued a Code Red emergency for this paragraph. All readers are advised to ignore as many redundant things as humanly possible. Also, dayum girl you must be rich if your coffin has a door on it. All my coffins, that I use for more recreational purposes I assure you, have lids.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

Oh boy! Another shameless “author” insert with an even more shameless “author” acknowledgment of said insert! Also, I’d be wary of this Willow girl, she apparently has the ability to know where people are and smiles at them before opening her eyes. Also, is she a seventh year? Or are you still the only one?

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

“Actually, he shouted my name, then got all shy after I said “what’s up,” then some of my friends that I don’t acknowledge the existences of made me leave him. Common mistake. Pass the Whiter-Then-My-Vampire-Skin foundation.”

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

Huh. I guess Hogwarts did some remodeling recently, because I could’ve sworn that Slytherin was in the Dungeons. Oh well, I’m sure that- wait, if they’re in Slytherin doesn’t that mean that Draco could be overhearing them? Especially since Ebony shouted that last bit?

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

Well. That answers that.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

Oh. I guess you do like him after all?

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

Oh. My. Fucking. God! The Wizarding World is allowing a Muggle band to perform in Hogsmede!

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

Once again, the great enigmas of this story leave me gasping for more. I can’t wait to see how this conversation is going to continue in the next chapter.


AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

Wow. These preps sound like an organized force of flaming, seeing as apparently they are the only ones saying terrible things about this story. Though I find it a tad odd that these “goffik” people are the only ones getting thanks for giving good reviews. I’m sure the author will remember to credit everyone eventually.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.

Hold the phone here. You left me hanging with a riveting converstation between Ebony and Draco and you decided to leave the ending out of the next chapter!?

Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.

Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and the Impossible Hairstyle, by The Combined Tears of Orphans. Coming soon, to a goffik bookstore near you.

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.

Woah woah woah. You’re just going to mention that you slit your wrists like it’s nothing!? Not to mention that if you just “waited for it to stop bleeding” you would probably pass out from blood loss and- wait, aren’t you a Vampire? Do Vampires bleed? Do they die from blood loss? THE MYSTERY GROWS! But seriously, I’d at least put a band-aid or something on that.

I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

Wait, you decided to not put on foundation because you were pale? That hasn’t stopped you before. And where do you get your human blood from? I don’t think the Staff of Hogwarts would appreciate you feasting on some first years.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.

Wait. Those exist now? I thought the Weaslys had the only one, and that one went feral and is wandering around the Forbidden Forest.

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

Again, your changes to Draco’s personality do not make sense. There’s no explanation for them. Draco hates all things Muggle, why would he wear anything Muggle? MADAM, I AM BEGINNING TO DOUBT THE VERSIMILITUDE OF YOUR FANFICTION.

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.
Okay. I’ve got to say something here. You seem to be unware of what depression is. Because one does not use the vocal equivalent of an exclamation point when depressed. Also, you’re going to see your second favorite band with Draco who you both don’t like and like, why are you depressed? THIS MYSTERY IS INFINITE IN ITS DEPTH

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

A flying Mercedes-Benz, a 666 licsense plate, “a place with the concert,” cigarettes, smokable drugs, e.g., crack, a mosh pit that isn’t moshing, and the main act playing before anything else... MADAM, MY ABILITY TO GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT IS WANING.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

I’m starting to get annoyed here. Once again, in an awful attempt at character development, you blatently change Draco’s personality for no reason other than for what now seems to be your own masturbatory needs. Also, I’m not a concert expert, but I don’t think one “moshes” to music. I believe you mosh whenever the time calls for.... moshing. Another thing, I thought you didn’t like Draco? You were willing to shout to everyone in the Great Hall that you didn’t, but now you like him? When did this happen? I understand your attempt to insult people that write in 2 dimensions, but writing in just one doesn’t do you any good. And no need to hate on Hillary Duff so much. You have the ability to blow shit up with a stick.... assuming this is still in the Wizarding World and not some weird non-magical parallel universe.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest!

Again, I am astonished at your use of ellipsis as a way of indicating the suspense. This is starting to sound more like a diary than a story, is that what you’re going for here? Unrelated question: Was this written via text messages between you and raven and bloodytears? Back on track. This is the first chapter that had some semblance of an ending, however rushed it was. Though why Draco would fly, oh I’m sorry drive, his expensive car into the Forbidden Forest is beyond me.


AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

Now I’m no expert on what should or should not go into an author’s note, but I’m prettty certain that you should not explain that you and Draco are in love, especially since that type of depth has not been added to the characters. Also, I thought her name was Ebony, not Enoby? My mistake, I’ll use that spelling from her on out.

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

“Trying to drive my car, which would go a lot smoother if you weren’t shouting in my ear, Enoby.”

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

Remember kids, if you ever find your date driving his flying car into a forbidden forest after a night of drugs, booze, and Muggle bands, always remember to get out and follow him.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Such beautiful dialogue. Though it would've been more touching had Draco remembered her name is Enoby.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

Again, do you actually know what depression is? Or are you just using it as a fancy word for “really sad?” Also, if Draco’s eyes showed “evilness,” wouldn’t you be fucking terrified that he drove you into a dangerous forest? And another- wait. Is it Gothic or Goffik? I’m so lost here.

And then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.


"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then...


It was...Dumbledore!

Umm, let it be known that at the end of Chapter 4, the first kitten was sacrificed for the strength to go on. You will be missed Commodore Snuggles.


AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

Again, why put the reasons in the author’s notes? Why not write them out? STOP ADDING MORE QUESTIONS! Also, you’re holding your story hostage unless you get five good “revoiws?”
Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

“How dare you have sex on school grounds! Also, something about the drugs and booze probably”

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

Crying tears of blood is not a normal thing. Seek medical attention. Also, those drugs? Remember? Am I the only one that remembers them smoking a not specified drug?

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

No. He put his thingie in her you-know-what. Given the only other instance of this kind of writing in the Harry Potter series, I am forced to assume Draco put his thingie inside her Voldesnatch and-
Totally toht-ed myself there.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

“Yes. How dare you do drugs while in Hogsmede” Seriously, am I the only one that recalls that happening?

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"


Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.


"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

“No Draco, I’m not. You keep calling me Ebony. My name is Enoby. Get it the fuck right.”

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out...

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing "I just wanna live" by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

For starters, the dormitories of Hogwarts are enchanted prevent all males from entering the girls’, so Draco being here is just not possible by the laws of the series. Secondly, is he a seventh year too? Or are you still the only one? ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS PLEASE!


AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

Jesus these prepz hate you. They must be a more popular demographic of society if you’re forced to tell them to shut up every chapter. Though, they might be mad that you won't update “ubtil u get goood revows!” Just my opinion on the matter.

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

Wait... You’re a Vampire.... And you put crosses in your FACE! Also, why use spray-paint for your hair? YOU GO TO A WIZARDING SCHOOL!
In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

Okay, why would a Wizarding school not only have a Muggle cereal, but specifically a Muggle cereal that’s offensive to Vampires? Where do you get your blood again? Because Timmy the First Year from Ravenclaw has gone missing...

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

Okay. I just have to say, what in the almighty fuckidilly went through your head when you wrote this? Are you making every important character a Gof, or Goffik, or Gothic, or Goth, or Gorthiffk? Like, really? Are you even writing this for the sake of writing, or do you just need this as a form of masturbatory aid? Another thing, based on how you described Harry, I’m firmly convinced that this was in fact written via texts between you and your collective tribe of Goffallaffiks. I really hope Harry’s a Vampire, instead of some stupid nickname.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

Now now Enoby, inside voice. No need to exclaim things

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.


"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

Ugh, stop with the random emotional swings... Please.. I’m begging you. If this keeps up another kitten will be gone...

"Yeah." I roared.


We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

This is a cliffhanger in the sense that it isn’t. At all.

I want this to stop.... CHAPTER 7

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

Okay, so aside from the shocking revelation that God reviewed this five times, or your demand that He review it tin times or no new chapter, apparently I need to change her name again to Evony.

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).

This is bordering on “sacrifice a kitten” territory.

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then...

General Sugar Whiskers is no more. I can now continue. I can tell this next part is exciting, the ellipsis told me.

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

Holy. Shit. I just...How is this... What were you... I can’t... How... Why... It doesn’t work like.... So now it’s not your you-know-what, it’s your thingie.. But that’s what you called Draco’s penis before... So that means...

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words... Vampire!

For starters, did your orgasm just stop randomly because you were angry? Because that’s what seems to be going on here. Also, why would Draco call Harry ‘Vampire’ if he’s going to tattoo his name on his arm? That nickname seems a bit derogatory towards real Vampires, but whatever, clearly you don’t care anymore.

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

Was his cock still inside you? Because if so, all the men reading this most likely cringed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

“I know everything I need to know by looking at your tattoo that I didn’t see the first time we had sex. Though that was probably because of the drugs we smoked. What was that again? Because I don’t think it’s worn off and my skin feels like a meatloaf.”

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

“Which now I probably have because we didn’t even think of the word condom!”

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

Wait, now Draco has a you-know-what? Does that mean he has a Voldecoc-


Huh. That’s... actually kind of a decent ending for a chapter. Maybe there’s hope for this story yet.


AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!

They’re flassing you now? I don’t even know what that means and I’m scared and horrified.

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

Damn, he must really care about you if he’s willing to run through a castle in Scotland where the season indicates it’s cold enough to rain and snow at the same time. Because his “really big you-know-what” should be a “really small kill-me-now” at this point.

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

Apparently he doesn’t love you because your name is Enob- Shit, sorry, Evony. Also, you can’t scream sadly. It’s just... wrong.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

Oh Christ, this is one of the true reasons people drink. I tried counting the number of things wrong with this paragraph, but unfortunately I blacked out and awoke several days later screaming. I simply just cannot express my level of hatred for what is written above. I just can’t. Not only is Slytherin apparently a Satanic cult or something, but once again, our esteemed author has entirely retconned a major character of the HP series with as little shame as her use of the word “gothic” to describe everything.

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“What is it you desire?” Why is Snape sounding like a victorian hooker? Also, you can’t “demeaned” anything angrily with a cold voice. A cold voice is uncaring and devoid of most emotion.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

Wait, I thought Draco cheated on you with Harry, isn’t that what happened? When were you ever dating Harry? When did this happen? WILL YOU EVER ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS O GREAT MASTER OF THE ENIGMA!?

Everyone gasped.

Above: The most coherent thing written in this story so far.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

Added to my list of things helping me summit this mountain of shit: Far too much alcohol. Okay, for starters, her name is Evony. Second, why did we suddendly switch to Draco’s point of view and why is he disclosing Evony’s sexuality? Also, THE FUCK IS A PREP. THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS THAT WILL NEVER BE ANSWERED.

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

“I’m dating you, remember!? You asked me why I cheated on you with Draco?”

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

Only thing I’m going to point out is that virility is positive masculine characteristics.


AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

Sweet burning piles of hookers, this author’s note isn’t even trying. I hate (read: love) to break it to you, but it actually is your fault if Dumbledore swers, it’s your story. And I’m almost positive that Snap(e) doesn’t have a religion. Also, there’s an entire backstory as to why he doesn’t like Harry, but it’s understandable that you wouldn’t know that because I think the only thing you know about Harry Potter is that it exists.

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

So Draco was the one that did the cheating. That’s what I thought... Also weren’t you crying at the end of the last chapter?

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was... Voldemort!

Wow. This is a whole new level of bad. Again, ellipsis are not a form of suspense. Also, why would you describe someone as “basically like Voldemort in the movie” when the character is in fact Voldemort? This is evidence for my “You Wrote This In Texts” theory.

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

It’s called the Imperius Curse. The spell itself is not Imperius. It’s Imperio.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

No. Just no. Nothing written above works like that. No. It just doesn’t.

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

One, her name is Evony, get it right. Two, “thou must kill?” Are you fucking kidding me? Three, why would Voldemort not only know Harry’s nickname, but would call him by it? MADAM, I DOUBT THE VERSIMILITUDE OF YOUR MASTURBATORY WRITTEN IN TEXT HARRY POTTER SHITFICTION!

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

Hold. The damn. Phone. Harry doesn’t look like Joel Madden, I do not care what you say. He looks like Harry Potter. Because that’s who he is. Not to mention the fact that you’re only thinking that Draco didn’t cheat on you WHILE THE MOST EVIL PERSON ON THE PLANET IS USING THE IMPERIUS CURSE TO MAKE YOU KILL HARRY POTTER! Also, you do realize the Imperius Curse allows him to control you, right? Which means you don’t have a fucking choice.

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

“Though I suppose I don’t have a choice! Imperius curse and all!”

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

It. Does not. Work. Like. That. Because of these two sentences, Mittens the Kitten is now gone. I hope you’re happy.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.


I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

Hopefully he put on clothes.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

“I’m not gonna tell you about the evil wizard that gave me a gun to kill Harry!”

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

I’m going to regret asking this, but in what way is he between Joel and Gerard? On second thought, don’t answer that. I don’t even wear make-up but I know that eyeliner doesn’t work like how you’re trying to make it work. It just doesn’t.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

“Yeah, are you okay? It’s not like you think the girl you’re in love with thinks you cheated on her.”

"No." he answered.

“My nuts have retracted into my chest from how fucking cold it is. Stupid make-up, taking away all of my time to get dressed...”

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.


"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

... Wow. The word “depressed” was used correctly here. Huh.


AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!


I was really scared about Vlodemort all day.

Did you ever tell anyone about that? Because I think that was important.

I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.


I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.


The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid.


Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.

When did Draco become a Vampire? Did you turn him into a Vampire? I thought you loved him, so why are you letting him slit his wrists if he’s depressed? If you can only kill a Vampire with a steak or cross, shouldn’t you be dead since you put two crosses in your ears a few chapters back? MADAM, I DOUBT THE VERSIMILITUDE OF YOUR HAM-FISTED ATTEMPT AT CANON!

I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.

Totally. By the way, at least seven Third years have come to me complaining about you molesting them. I’m sure it’s unrelated.

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

I thought you were writing songs? Wouldn’t it be hard to do a cover without two of your bandmates?

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.


"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.

I thought you called Harry “Vampire,” you did just a few minutes ago in that other paragraph. Did that change?

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

And slipped on the blood leaking from his wrists.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)

Yes, actually. That is out of character. Because I have long since accepted that the Draco in this story will not resemble his canon self, so having him exhibit behavior that doesn’t coincide with your established Draco is very out of character.

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

Why do you do this to me? Have I wronged you in some way? Please tell me so I can fix it and make it stop!

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

So.... you don’t go after your boyfriend after he calls you a poser muggle bitch?

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."

I thought you could only kill a Vampire by using a steak or a cross? You said that in the beginning of this chapter, did you forget? Is Draco dead, or is there a new character called Ebony Draco? Because if Draco is dead, then Dumbledore should be fired for not knowing the name of his student is Evony.
All I can remember after I closed my eyes, was that first, it got real loud; then, it got real hot; then it got real slimy; then it got quiet; then it got.... unspeakable. And when I opened my eyes, the pool was empty, and three days had passed.


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Post Fri Feb 10, 2012 10:57 am

Re: Azog Presents: FFF - My Immortal: Chapters 1-20


AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

I will see for myself. Oh god help me for doing so.

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

I’ve never been horrorfied before, I imagine it’s horrifying. Also, Draco ran through the castle naked... that’s a lot more perverse than the Headmaster running after a hysterical student that just found out her Not-Vampire Vampire boyfirend just killed himself.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood

Probably those drugs you smoked. I imagine it’s been maybe two days since that and I still think you’re suffering from them.

and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed!

So, you’re crying bloody tears, your wrists are slit, and so you angrily run a bath? Also, how do you play Muggle music in Hogwarts? And another thing, I thought you finally had learned the use of the word “depressed.” I guess I was wrong... sigh

I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed... Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

Mein Gott. Snap is video taping a dripping wet, bloody tear crying, bleeding wrist student dressing in her post-almost suicide angry depressive episode... Whilst Lupin chews food!



I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

Wait, why are you putting on a towel? You’re were all but dressed when you noticed the two people that should feel anger towards each other. Another thing, shouldn’t you be killing Harry? Because of the Imperius Curse? Remember? Please remember...

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.


I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly...

You mean the gun you’re supposed to use to kill Harry since you’re under the Imperius Curse? How can you not remember that? It was like, last night! Also, shouldn’t Harry be arrested for using an Unforgiveable? They’re called that for a reason. And for fuck’s sake, can ANYONE remember Evony’s name?

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

You realize Hagrid is a half-giant and needs a flying motorcycle to travel, right? Because for him to have a broomstick it would have to be a log.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT..." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"


"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors."

Other factors in what? What does Hagrid being a Satanist affect anything at all? Is there some anti-Santanist movement? SO MUCH IS ADDED TO THE MYSTERY NOW

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.


Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

“You know Snape, I’m really glad we decided to become friends through our apparently shared fetish of taping suicidal, self-harming students bathing”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.


"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

Is...is that supposed to mean that he’s still masturbating while everyone is watching?
And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.


"BECAUSE...BECAUSE..." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.


"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

Because when you deal with people flying on broomsticks and footlong sticks that can do basically everything, that last thing you’re worried about is things being connected to Satan.

"Because I LOVE HER!"

Rest in peace, Snuggle Muffins.


AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

So, Hagrid is a pedophile... but works at a school that has children as young as 11. I know Dumbledore can’t even remember some of his students’ names, but I’m pretty sure the Ministry wouldn’t let him near children.

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

I know wands exist. They have been mentioned. So why give her a knife? What would a knife do against a Wizard? Absolutely nothing.

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then... his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

The above image was Xicon’s idea. It either represents what the author thinks canon means, or is the very device used to blow away all semblance of what proper canon is. In this case it’s Harry’s scar, which the author said was no longer there for reasons unexplained.

I stopped. "How did u know?"

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

What. The. Hell.

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I REALLY NEED TO LEARN NOT TO SHOUT WHEN I SAY EVERYTHING! Also, has everyone just stopped and is watching? Or is Lupin still wanking to this?"

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco...Volfemort has him bondage!"

No, the canon picture does not suffice here, I can only use the following as a proper visual metaphor to describe what just happened here.

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Any particular reason Dumbledore is having trouble shitting out the camera? Why did he eat it? Also, if Snape, Lupin, and Hagrid are pedophiles, how come it took them this long to act on their urges? Oh wait, I forgot, the attractiveness of Evony turns all men’s eyes to her. How silly of me to forget.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

Why the hell is he even near you? Should Aurors or something be carting him off to Azkaban?

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

Maybe he’s not that bad of a pedo, he thinks your name is Enoby, shouldn’t be too worried about him Evony.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

You have worn pink on multiple occasions. So I would wager that you do in fact like pink. In fact, I would go as far to say that- Oh... Wait...

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."

“Yeah Evony, these aren’t roses. They’re a plant to counteract the drugs you smoked.”

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

He just said they’re not roses. Also, how would he bring you a bouquet of goffaloffiks? On second thought, if Hagrid’s a pedophile in this, I don’t want to know.

“I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

Wh-who is talking in this? Who is speaking? Hagrid? Evony? It cannot be determined.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

You should be quiet, you’re in a hospital wing.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .


"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.


"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!"


And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn't a prep.

If I am to believe you, black automatically makes you not a prep... the Hogwarts uniforms are black. So where are the preps? Also, Hagrid has made fun of you for being gofftiloffik before, which would indicate that he’s a prep... but you said he’s not a prep... so that.... I just
Sidenote: Was it necessary to point out the black flames were black? Ha, that was rhetorical, of course it wasn’t.

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"

Evony, dear, his name is Draco. You would think that since he was your boyfriend before killing himself that it’d be impossible to forget his name.

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

They’re probably not black enough for you... wow that was racist.... but then again, Evony felt the urge to desribed something that was black twice.

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

This is the Rosetta Stone of fanfiction. And give Evony a nametag so they’ll get it the fuck right.

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Why did Hagrid yell that? Dumblydore was addressing Evony.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

No, he’s just a Headmaster who can’t remember the names of his students, he’s not a liar.

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

So, were you naked in the hospital wing? Because even though I thought you had put on clothes after you got out of your bath.... You know what, fuck it.

"You look kawai, girl."


B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

Do you have no short term memory? At all? Do you remember what you wrote less then a few minutes ago? Harry isn’t an actual Vampire, because you have not said that he is. Who is teaching “Hair of Magical Creatures?” (That caused me pain to type) Because Hagrid, Snape, and Lupin are being sent to St. Mungos, for some reason, because they’re pedophiles... Which begs another question, why would Snape and Lupin be able to spy on you? And why is no one trying to find the apparently not-dead Draco since Harry’s scar that’s apparently back showed him “in bondage” by Voldemort? Or is Draco dead again?
That was a faceplam of sadness.

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then... we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

I thought Gothic was only used to describe black things? Wow, this fic is making me sound racist again, such a perfect defense mechanism.

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

What class are we in? I suppose if it actually was Hair of Magical Creatures (ow) then it would make sense that McGoggle would be there. But only in the sense that it doesn’t make sense. At all.

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Wait, loved? You stopped loving him? You know that he’s alive right? Because Harry said that he was. You do remember that don’t you?

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then... his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

Wait... didn’t this already happen?

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

“Actually! I thought you still had it! Because you said you still had it at the beginning of this chapter! You do remember this right!?”

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco...Volfemort has him bondage!"


This chapter was awful... Moreso than anything previously written in this story. Thankfully all the remaining kittens made it throu-



These two are gone because of you.


AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!


Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

Wow, you two must be great friends if you both yell the same incorrect version of his name at the same time. Are your Vampire periods also synch-

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.

“I’m in the middle of a major game of Wizard’s Mahjong, which is code for heroin. You kids drive me to do heroin.”

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

“Also we’re, like, total besties now! Or something!”

He laughed in an evil voice.


"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

“We actually cannot stop speaking at the same time! Please help us!”

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

I thought Harry tried to fuck you in class moments before his vision he already had? So is he bi? Or is he gay except for you because you can’t get off otherwise?

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed.

Again, tears of blood are not good. Did he smoke those drugs too? And how could he just suddendly be okay since he “had a brainstorm?” Also, WHY AREN’T YOU KILLING HIM SINCE YOU WERE UNDER THE IMPERIUS CURSE AND oh forget it, just hand me the galss.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then... suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!

Can’t apparate in or out of Hogwarts. Just can’t. I need more glass.

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra"
It was... Voldemort!

Don’t tell the terrorists that their god’s name is part of a murder spell.


AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!

Christ. Are you ok? Haha, that was rhetorical, I’ve long since stopped caring.


That was a Freudian Slip. I don’t care what you say.

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

“The fat guy who killed Cedric” is Wormtail. Second, tears of blood makes sense for once, since he’s being tortured. However, I do have one question: Who was casting “Allah Kedavra” at the end of the last chapter? Because I’m pretty sure that if what you meant to type was the Killing Curse, then someone’s dead. Who is dead? Answer this please. The list of questions is longer than the actual length of this story.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)

For starters, he said “period?” Um, Eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Second, if you have no shame in retconning the ages of characters so they’re not pedophiles, why didn’t you do that for Snape, Lupin, or Hagrid? Unless you have some sick fantasy of Wormtail boning you an-

"Huh?" I asked.
"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

You probably shouldn’t tell Draco that you and Harry almost had sex in the middle of class.

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

Why are you crying after stabbing the man that was torturing your dead-but-not-dead boyfriend and then tried to have sex with you?

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then... he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.

When did Voldemort start wearing high heels? Please explain this to me. Please. Just this once explain why such wrong things exist? Also, I’m pretty sure that Harry “did a spell,” and that’s how you got here.

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

Stop calling it a you-know-what. I just cannot take the image of Draco’s large Voldecock any-

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything."
“Yes! Curse my genetics! I wish there was a potion, or spell, or a Centaur to just make me ugly!”

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco.

“Not like you, that had sex on the first date with me. And it’s not like you tried to have sex with Harry while I was gone or anything. And it’s not like I’m already naked the first minute that we’re back together. No need to ask how I didn’t die when I killed myself or anything.”

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away.



AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!

You’re going to slit your wrists everytime someone flames you? Here, will this help?
God I’m a terrible person for that. Damn you FFF.

"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

But I was too mad.

Probably because he forgot your name is Evony

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class.

I thought Vampires needed to drink human blood? You haven’t drank any human blood in quite a bit here, so maybe that’s why you’re depressed. And if you’re going to classes, though Biology doesn’t exist at Hogwarts, wouldn’t that make it daytime? And why do you have your own room? Fuck it

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!


"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." Then... he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .

For starters, stop telling me to leave if i don’t know who people are, we both know I can’t look away for long, so stop fucking with me. Second, I would be horrified if Draco sounded like that, because that means he either sounds like a combination that should not be, or he sounds like all of them at the same time... which also should not be. Also, her name is Evony, GET IT RIGHT DRACO!

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story. Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.

Wondering about the canon? Remember, Lupin is a pedo that was being sent to St. Mungo’s, yet he’s still teaching. Oh, and something about another Muggle band in Hogsmede. I can't believe this chapter ended like this.


AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!

Oh dear, you’re angry with Raven. This does not bode well for the coherence and stability of my sanity.

We ran happily to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,... Volsemort and da Death Dealers!


Let’s break this one down, because it’s reeallllllyyyyy important to know why I have a kitten on the alter, but it’s not sacrificed yet. “We ran happily to Hogsmede,” you were just in class, hell, you walked right out of it. Why aren’t the teachers stopping you? And furthermore, since it’s daytime, shouldn’t you burst into flames? I daresay I would even take you sparkling, just so you’d acknowledge the fact that you’re a Vampire. “I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz I knew knew that were da only true ones for eachother.” I. Call. Bullshit. You haven’t gotten pissed at him for seemingly no reason, almost screwed his ex boyfriend in class on what seemed to be the day after his suicide, and basically don’t seem to care about him.

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them"

Was this written halfway through, forgotten, and then finished after you forgot where you were going with this? Because not only do you, once again, get mad at Draco for nothing, but you seem to want to blame him for having sex with you after the last concert and goddammit I can’t take this-

"What cause we...you know..." he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what.


"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice.

You’re just fucking with me now, aren’t you?

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT."

I can’t tell what’s going on anymore. I’m lost. I’m sorry Princess Scratchpaw, I’m so sorry.

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?"

"NO." he muttered loudly.

“I still cut myself like all the other Goffoloffiloffiks” ZING!

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily.

Christ Evony, no need to shoot him.

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me.

Evony. Get it right or I’ll tattoo it on the insides of your eyelids.

I was flattened cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

Draco’s voice can flatten people. How have we not won the war against Voldemort? Speaking of Voldemort, why isn’t he doing anything? Is he just standing on stage, watching Evony and Draco’s fifteenth MySpace breakup/get back together?

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

Ummmmmmmmm weren’t you at a concert where Voldemort and the Death “Dealers”, dibs on that as a band name, were about 10 feet from you? Wow.

B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese).


"BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)


"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily.

[/quote]Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. "Maybe Willow will die too." I said.[/quote]
WOAH WOAH WOAH I could not care less about Willow, but for what you said about The Nightmare Before Christmas see below:

[/quote]"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak."[/quote]

"Kawai." I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

I might have to get rid of another kitten... This is whole new level of just, bad.

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA."

But. That. Already. Happened. I. How. What. I just. It doesn’t work like-

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. "Omfg totally lets go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde.

"No." My head snaped up.

"WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?"

She even hints that there’s another place to go to other than Hot Topic... and you accuse her of being a prep? HER NAME B’LOODY GODDAMN MARY!!!

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all."

Wow Evony, she must be more Goffoloffoloffik than you if she knows more Gorrfoloffik stores than you. Maybe you’re the prep.

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!). Or me.

Please choke on glass.

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms."

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly.

Caps lock + “asked quitely” does not, a good anything make.

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go."

So he didn’t tell you. I see. Well... Now I know you’re just fucking with me.

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs."

So, he wasn’t hotter than Gerard. And the store owner just gave you several dresses. As in for free? Weren’t you complaining how everyone wants to fuck you? Maybe he wants to fuck you? And what time of day is it? Because you should be burning. No matter what time of the day it is. Seriously. Give a Molotov head.

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked.

Synched up Vampire periods an-
God I hate you.

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera."


"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

I believe you. You’re totally not a slut.

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said.


"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary.

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked.


"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?"

Now we have a name change again. Ebondy. Great. Bet you I’m the only one that’ll remember that. Also, I know you got mad at Raven and that’s why her name is different. Do not think anything gets past me.

"Tom Rid." He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight."

Cutting the last three letters of his last name is not clever. Fuck you.

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!"

Sweet sweaty pile of mid-coitus donkeys, you’re worse than a feminist getting angry over a man holding the door open for her. But then again, you said that EVERYONE IS IN LOVE YOU, so it’s natural that you have to beat men off with a stick. Unrealated, I have a stick I’d like to beat you with. And by stick, I mean squad of attack tigers. Also, since Hagrid’s here:


AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!


Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." Well anyway Willow came. Hargird went away angrily.

Tom Riddle is Voldemort. Why are you talking to him since he apparently was moments from begging for you to go out with him last chapter, and you told him to fuck off? Why is Hagrid shooting at you to cum? Wait, don’t answer that. I never want to know. And I thought you killed Willow and had Lupin fuck the corpse and-
I. Hate. You.

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said.


"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything.

And dead. You said she was dead. Why is she here. She’s DEAD!

She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.

She. Is. DEAD! OF COURSE SHE’S THIN ENOUGH TO BE ANOREXIC! Also, I feel sorry for one of our readers, bobthecrusher, because Willow the Corpse apparently has big “bobs.”

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked.

“Actually we already went. But then didn’t. I am a slut.”

"Yah." I said happily.

“I hope we have sex after smoking more of those drugs. I am a slut.”

"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower.


B'loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola.

Oh Christ who’s Dracola? I mean, you’ve hit basically all the important males except... Oh god.... No. Please. Please don’t do this.

Dracola used to be called



Hey Ebony. I found a new Goffioffikloffokikif drink for you. Here you go:

Remember to chug! ALL OF THEM!

but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash. Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now.

I think you can see where this is leading. The picture isn’t enough.

He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now. Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. We soon got there...I gapsed.

I am 100% sure that those drugs will have a very negative reaction with the ones you smoked at the Good Charolette.

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. It was...Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!

This. Already. Happened. And furthermore the fact that you wouldn’t run from him is complete- Wait.... what does that say? “Dracon and I came.”
Oh god I hate you so much.

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now...I shall kill thou and Draco!"

I don’t know about this Enoby chick, but Ebondy should totally have killed Harry by now. Imperius Curse. I refuse to forget it.

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

Oh, back to synched periods with Drac-
Please fellate a chainsaw.

Sudenly a gothic old man

I know where you’re going with this. And I’m telling you to stop. Now.

flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was...DUMBLYDORE!

You didn’t listen to me. This was the price.

All of them, gone.


AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der!

In the name of all my dead kittens I will never stop flamming you. For that is the purpose of this

I woke up the next day in my coffin. I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it.

What the hell happened after Goffikdore showed up? Also, the dress screams “I am a slut.” Juuuuuuuuuuussssssssssssssssssssssst saying.

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth). Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.)

Go pick a fight with a gorilla.

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys.

I just keep staring at this paragraph like this:

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi.

So... you freak out over the decor of the Great Hall, I’m not even going to bother asking why it’s like that, but decide to just talk about which male singer is hotter... right in front of your boyfriends. And you’ve said that Harry is gay, but now you say he’s bi.

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black.


"...DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.


"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!"


"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"
That is what I think of it. Also, don’t think I didn’t noticed that she answered my question only because I didn’t ask it. This does not bode well at all.

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1.


"BTW you can call me Albert." HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.


"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted.

He’s past his mid-life. Go throw yourself in front of a train. Preferably twice.

I was so fucking angry.

You have no right saying that.
All I can remember after I closed my eyes, was that first, it got real loud; then, it got real hot; then it got real slimy; then it got quiet; then it got.... unspeakable. And when I opened my eyes, the pool was empty, and three days had passed.


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Post Fri Feb 10, 2012 10:57 am

Re: Azog Presents: FFF - My Immortal: Chapters 1-20


AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11

Great. Her name is Evonyd. Christ no one’s gonna remember that.

All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go.

No. It happened. Because Voldemort was there. Do not lie to me. Stop it.

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive.


I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot).


"No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik)


"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled.

“It’s not like I’ve never assumed you cheated on me after seeing a tattoo of yours once. Nope never. God I’m a slut.”

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted.

“Evonyd, I don’t think you understand that I’m allowed to be angsty too.”

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned.

“You seem to forget this is all about me! Literally no one else matters!”

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted.

“I’m upset because my girlfriend is a self-obsessed whore! See! Just let me explain it first!”

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot.

“made cool tears down my feces.”

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated.

Also, Hagrid cums when he appar-
Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you bitch

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?"

“I have completely forgotten about you being a pedophile!” I haven’t.

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore.

Is it your mission in life to cause me agonizing pain? Because if so then I shall return it thrice over.

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. "What are u wearing to the concert?"


"U no who MCR r!" I gasped.


"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u."

Garggle sulfuric acid.

Well. I’ve decided to stop here for now. I shall return next week with hopefully the remainder of My Immortal. And another box of kittens...
All I can remember after I closed my eyes, was that first, it got real loud; then, it got real hot; then it got real slimy; then it got quiet; then it got.... unspeakable. And when I opened my eyes, the pool was empty, and three days had passed.


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Post Fri Feb 17, 2012 7:18 pm

Re: Azog Presents: FFF - My Immortal: Chapters 21-26


AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz.

Translation (Margin of Error: Infinite%): I don’t care what you think! Stop (p)flaming ok preps! Thanks to my slutty friend Slut-face for the slutty help. Oh yeah, I’ll be slutting it up in Slutsilvania for the next slutty 3 slut days so don’t expect a slut update. Slut slut slut slut slut slut

All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again.

Draco was just in your room not five minutes ago. You literally walked into your bathroom, slit your wrists, again, and then Hagrid and Goffodore came in and told you Draco had a surprise for you. Which brings me to this question: Why didn’t Goffodore punish you for skipping classes? And why haven’t any of your friends attempted to see if you’re okay? Also, by my count, you’ve slit your wrists so many times, that I think we could play an epic game of Tic-Tac-To.

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! "R u gonna cum rape me or what." I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo.

Better question: Why isn’t Lupin in Azkaban if his employer knows that he and Snape are pedophiles?

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily.

“Sorry, I don’t have any condemns, I’m a Satanist.”

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally.

That’s not a girlfriend, that’s a victim.

"Fuker." He said, gong away.

Polite as always Lupin.

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped...Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1


"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now)

Ludacris idiot? I know that Ludacris isn’t the most popular person in the music industry, but call someone a “Ludacris idiot” is just mean. And Snape cannot be in Gryffindor because for one, he’s a teacher, and two, not only is he the Head of Slytherin, but McGonagall is the Head of Gryffindor.

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)

He wanted condoms? I thought he wanted condemns? Huh.

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin shouted angrily.

“I told you! I am a Satanist! We don’t condemn anything!”

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed.

“Yeah, I would’ve given you all my condoms, seeing as Draco and I never use them.”

"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily. And then...I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.

Sigh, once again, I must inform you that an ellipsis is not a form of suspense. And, something I just noticed, were they still having sex when you took this picture of them? Just a little food-for-painful-thought.

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?"

“Oh no,” the said together, “we have fallen victim to the Lover Dual Speak Curse!”

"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked. "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot.

Dumbledore is already aware that they are pedophiles, yet has not removed them from their posts, this tells me that he gives literally no shits about what they do. At all. That picture is about as worthless as your life ability to write.

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him.

“WTF, I can’t stop saying WTF whenever I encounter anything!”

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?"

I think Draco is having trouble cumming because of the toture he went through after killing himself. But you’re showing the signs of a good friend by asking his on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-girlfriend to have an ogasm with you at a concert.

Then... he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it.

Sirius Black is Harry’s godfather, not his dogfather. I refuse to acknowledge that you might’ve made some form of pun/play on words because I hate you. Also, I certainly would hope that you point out that your name is Ebondy and not Enoby.

...I gasped.

The dramatic build-up of that ellipsis did not deliver. I am disappoint.

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing.

Where exactly is this concert hall? Hogsmede? Because if so, I hate you. If not, I still hate you.

Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

So.. are you making out, moshing to the music, or looking at the band? Because it seems to imply that you’re doing all of them at once. In fact, knowing you, you probably will. ZING!

I almost had an orgasim. Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ...And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner.

How small is this concert hall? Because if you could hear Draco crying in the corner, while the band is playing, then either he is bawling so loudly that it carries over the sound of a band, or the concert hall is so goddamn tiny that they need no amplification equipment. Either way, I still hate you.


AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed!

Wow. Tell your readers to fuck off is just not something you do. Nor do you bitch out your friend that is helping you with this abomination. Speaking of which, if apparently Raven is responsible for all the spelling errors, then not only do you two not know of spellcheck, but I’m starting to think this was written while you two were IM’ing.

Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice.

I thought Draco was crying in the corner? Didn’t you see him in the concert hall? And what in the name of fuck is a “gothic” voice? I imagine it sounds like a child screaming while eating glass.

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide.

The Daffy Duck is there to represent me staring at something that is either full of complete wrong, or angers me to the point of silent contemplation of how I can end the creator of it. In this case it is the former. Because there is literally no way that you can run “in a suicidal way.” Not to mention the fact that Ebondy is afraid he’ll commit suicide, which implies that she forgot that he already committed it.

"Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. "Ill make him feel better."

He’s already ill, making him more ill will not help.

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.

Oh sure, let the guy that you just accused of wanting to go fuck Draco come with you, I’m sure that’s a completely rational decision.

"Draco please come!" he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!)

Poor Harry, having a bucket for a face. Also, can I just say that a homophone sounds amazing? Think about it. It’s most likely stylish, in-season, and most likely comes with the most fabulous pre-programmed voicemail.

And then... we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

Mr. Norris? I guess that explains why Filtch’s cat is called “Mrs. Norris.” Question, when did Hogwarts start using cats as janitors? And when did they also start using Muggle technology?

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.

Wait... is Filth the cat? As in Mr Norris is supposed to be Argus Filtch? I just... what the... Oh fuck it

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris.


"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way.

He said it... under... his breast?

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. Filth nodded. And then...Vampir frenched me! He did it jus as... Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1

Oh lordy loo, two sets of ellpses in a single paragraph! Is it an early birthday present? Because if so, I hate you. And futhermore, how the bloody hell can Mr. Anthro-Cat-Beast see Flitch the Human Cat Abomination nodding underneath the invilibilty cloak?

"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school.

Remember kids, even when caught, run away. They will never persue you apparently. The more you know!

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?"


"I guess though." Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other. Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin) on the gothic red bed together. As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1

So. Why do you have both coffins and a bed? Do you two share a room? When was this established? You know what, fuck it


AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven's folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1

Again, you blaming Raven then thanking her in what appears to be an afterthought is evidence that this was typed in a chatroom or something.

All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. Then I gasped.

Wow. That is the most disappointing resolution of a cliffhanger since Riker gave the command to fire on the Borg ship while Picard was onboard.

Standing in front of me where... B'loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow!

Ugh, I’m so conflicted on this little bit. Because while, ONCE AGAIN, an ellipsis is used as a form of “suspense” she used commas properly. I guess the use of the word “where” here tips it towards the scale of “I hate you.”

I opened my crimson eyes. Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden.

Okay, I’ve had it up to here with you on this matter. No matter what you say, I refuse to accept that this:
Looks in any way similar to this:
Or that this:
Looks like whatever the hell this is:
I juse refuse. I will tolerate you retconning just about everything else about the characters, but I’ll be damned if you think you can tell me that they were born looking different.

B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once.

This outfit not only seems uncomfortable but just impractical. And illogical. How can something be tight but poofy? Ha, that was rhetorical, it can’t.

Darkness (who is Jenny) was there too.

Are you telling me that Ginny is now called Darkness. Despite the fact that Dark’ness is part of your Overly Long Name?

God I hate you so much.

She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle.

So, aside from your redundant “ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it,” this seems to imply that Crab(be) and Goyle are wearing the same thing as Ginny...

It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.

Dear sweet heavenly bottle of cyanide pills that I’m begging to work faster. This paragraph has so much wrong in it. Crabbe and Goyal aren’t even related, which makes them being related to Ron and Ginny even less feasible then normal. What also is even more wrong is that you’ve now implied that Ron and Ginny’s father raped them and two of their classmates and then some time afterward killed himself. This is such blatent destruction of canon, that I am forced to do something I though I would never have to do: Use this more than once for a single instance of canon destruction.

"OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?"

“ORGY!” they all shouted at the same time, stripping each other of their clothes and OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING!!!!!!!

"Enoby something is really fucked up." Draco said.

“Yeah, you keep calling me ‘Enoby’ when my name is clearly Ebondy.”

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily.

“Even though I’m wearing my pj’s, and seeing as I’ve fucked at least all of you, at least infinite times, I don’t really think that I have to get dressed just to talk to you guys. But I still am, because the world revolves around me.”

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice.


"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective."

That’s the biggest Freudian Slip ever.

"I will I will." he said.

“After we have sex. God you’re such a slut.”

So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. Then I came. We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.

Cornelia Fudged and Doris Rumbridge.

"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"

“How dare you allow pedophiles to teach at the school! That is what we’re upset about right?”


Also, the pedophiliac teachers? Please remember them. Please...


“You are not fit to be Headmaster because you’re old and forgetful! Now try again or everyone will die.”

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is...Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."

Her name is Ebondy Dark’ness Dementia Tara Way. I know this because I hate you. Another thing. Harry is supposed to be the one to defeat Voldemort, it’s the most basic thing about the Harry Potter series. This has never been more applicable.

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other...I gasped.



AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!

You didn’t know about the books? Oh dear god, I hate everything.

The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us.


"MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!" Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.


"Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her. "She means hi everybody cum in!"

Wait. Umbridge wants people to cum in? As in... inside her?

Well we all came in angrily.


So did all the other students.


I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was...Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother.

(Optional line: The Rouge Angles of Satin are here, and they are well armed.)
Gun violence in Wizard schools is a serious issue.

"Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked.


"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1"

Freudian Slip of the highest degree.

"No I do!" shouted.


"No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco.

“She obviously has never tried to have sex with you. Or kiss you. Or thought you were attractive. My Girlfriend is Not a Slut.

"No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!" shouted Vampire. And then... he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other.

Not like they have wands. Or teachers to stop this. Or friends that give a damn.

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn't stop. All of a sudden... a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. Vampire and Draco stopped fighting...I shopped eating...Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent...Volzemort!

On the third day of FFF, My Immortal gave to me: Three improper ellipses. Two redundant phrases. And a terrible spelling of Voldemort!

"Eboby...Ebony..." Darth Valer sed evilly in his raspy voice. "Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!"

There are several things I hate most about this. One, calling him “Darth Valer.” Two, the butchering of the English language. Three, the redundant threat of “I will kill you and Harry! Unless you kill Harry first! But if you don’t, I’ll kill Draco as well! And then I’ll- wait. I put you under the Imperius Curse, why haven’t you already killed him!?”

"Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged.

“Even though I really don’t have a choice! But like, I wanna fuck both of them, so like, totes don’t make me kill him!”

"No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling.

“I shall threaten you, then run away! Fear me!”

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way.


"No!" I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.


"Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice.

“It’s not like you just screamed in a way that is impossible or anything.”

"Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up.

“Totally did not just see you slitting your wrists while Voldemort was approaching to kill you.”

"Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive.

“Except that I just called you Enoby, even though your name is Ebondy.”

"No its not!" I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. "OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!"

“Or a far more likely explanation is that I’m connected to Voldemort’s mind! Oh wait, that was supposed to be Harry. Sorry for taking your job, except I’m not sorry.”

"Its ok gurl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though."

Do I even want to know who “Professor Sinister” is supposed to be referring to?

"Ok bich." I said sadly and den we went.

Wait, I thought the people from the Ministry wanted to speak with you? Isn’t that why they called you in? You forgot about them, didn’t you?


AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 raven fagz 4 di help!


Well we had Deviation next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry about the visions.

You weren’t even trying to spell “Trelawney” that time, were you?

"Konnichiwa everybody come in." said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese. She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick. She's da coolest fucking teacher ever. She had long dead black hair with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire. She's also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b'loody mry get along grate)

Woah woah woah hold on there a second. This is supposed to be Trelawney. The Divination Professor. That Hermoine hates. But you’re saying that they get along fine.

She's really young for a teacher. 2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress. We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong. I raced my hand. I was wearing some black naie Polish with red pentagrams on it.


"What is it Ebony?" she asked. "Hey I love ur nail polish where'd u get it, Hot Topik?"

“Pfft, as if. It’s not like we Goffoloffiks have only one store we go to... Oh wait.”

"Yeah." I answered. All the preps who didn't know what HT was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger. "Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?"

You’re not nice.

"Ho about now?" she asked.

“It’s not like I have a class to teach. You’re much more important than everyone else.”

"OK." I said.

"OK class fucking dismissed every1." Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. "Except for you Britney." she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. "Please do exorcize (geddit) 1 on page 3."


"OK I'm having lotz of visions." I said in a worried voice. I'm so worried is Draco gong 2 die.

“it’s probably nothing, I did these smoked some drugs about a week ago and they haven’t worn off yet. Not to mention they probably reacted badly to the coke, crack, and pot I did a few days ago.

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.

A black “cryptal” ball. Sigh.

"What do you c?" she asked.

“About eighteen leprechauns dancing to Mc Hammer while donk- Oh, you meant in the crystal. Sorry, drugs and all.”

"I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram."

Of course that’s what you see.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes.


"Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Proffesor Sinister.

“I refuse to tell you what the meaning of what you predictably saw in the crystal ball. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

"Bye bitch." I said waving.

“1000 points to Slytherin.” Professor Trelawney said as I chug bleach by the gallon.

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited.

It’s funny how you think Vampire is either after you or Draco... or both. Yet you do literally nothing to try and keep him away. Accept it's not funny, because I know you're just using this to masturbate to.
All I can remember after I closed my eyes, was that first, it got real loud; then, it got real hot; then it got real slimy; then it got quiet; then it got.... unspeakable. And when I opened my eyes, the pool was empty, and three days had passed.


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Post Fri Feb 17, 2012 7:21 pm

Re: Azog Presents: FFF - My Immortal: Chapters 26-31


AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1


I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again. We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car.

Does the “we” apply to Harry as well? Because he was with you two at the end of the last chapter.

"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine.

Her name is Ebondy. Why did you add the “what the fuck” part? Usually that’s used in a negative context, so it just doesn’t work here. And I just have to point out the “gothic white hand” part here. The word gothic cannot be used to apply to everything. It just can’t

"She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. He started to fly the car into a tree. We went to the top of it. Draco put on some MCR.

What the hell is a “heroin cabaret?” Just what is it? Heroin and wine? Heroin and a jazz club? Just what the hell is it? What does it mean to “spork” it? I just cannot process this at all. It’s too much. I just- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"And all the things that you never ever told me And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." sang Gerard's sexy voice. We started tiling of each other's cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. I took of his black boxers. Then... he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.

Oh no. No. Nononononono. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about the throbbing Voldecock being inserted into a tool-

"OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly... I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.

Wow. He’s fucking you for about five seconds and you’re already have an “orgism?” And don’t think I missed that fucking ellipsis, because I didn’t. And I hate you for it.

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.

Progression of events: Shoot guys. “No please don’t kill us!” Keeps shooting guys. Run away in a red car

"No! Oh my fucking god!11" I shouted in a scared voice.

“Sorry Ebondy, I didn’t know I was that bad at sex... Wait, were you asleep!? The fuck!”

"Ebony what's wrong?" Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.

I won’t even point out that your eyes have been blue, crimson, and probably six other colors in the past. Nor will I point out your name is Ebondy.

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where... Lucian and Serious!111

“He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile.” I’ll let you figure the implications of that one for yourself. But I want to address another issue here: Lucian. I can barely believe that Draco would be a goffoloffik, since it’s a Muggle thing, but Lucian? Oh hhhhheeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllll nooooo.


AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11


A few mutates later Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt.

Not like he might have class or anything. Ebondy is the most imortant person in the world.

"Hi Vampire." I said flirtily as I started to sob. Draco hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened.

The emotional swings in this part alone is just impossible. There’s just no way that you can have these mood swings. Also, you’re really going to flirt with Harry right in front of your boyfriend that you just had sex with!?

"Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. "What fucking dick did that!"


"I don't know." I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor."

“I have now decided that Dumbledore has importance in this terrible story!”

We ran out of the tree and in2 da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office.

"Sire are dads have been shot!" Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. "Enoby had a vision in a dreem."

Okay, it wasn’t a vision, it was a dream. That’s what the author called it. Because all of her visions in the past have been while she was awake.

Dubleodre started to cockle. "Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?"

I... I don’t know what that is supposed to be saying.

I glared at Dumbledore.

I guess he insulted her?

"Look motherfucker." he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter). "U know very well that I'm not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!"

There are too many things wrong with this bit to even attempt to be funny.

"Okay." he said in a intimated voice. "Were are they?"

Way to show some backbone there Albus.

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden... "Longdon." I said. I told him which street. He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers...and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1



AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111

“I don’t care what you think about me! Stop flaming!” And about you slitting your wrists, I think you should stop doing that. Because clearly the blood loss is reflecting in your “writing” and it makes me want to hurt you even more.

Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. Drako, Lucian, Serious bond Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.

Of course, all thanks to you, they were saved. It’s not like they were, oh I dunno, getting shot! Totally all thanks to you. You totally did not just stay in the castle and make out with your boyfriend while people actually searched for them. God I hate you.

"Cum on Enoby." said Proffesor Sinatra. She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. "I have to tell you the fucking perdition."

Holy. Mother. Of. God. There are so many Rouge Angles of Satin here that it caused my brain to rupture. And don’t think I didn’t fucking miss the fact that you called Trelawney “Proffesor Sinatra.” Now you've crossed the line with me.

I locked at Lucian, Serifs, Drake and Vampire. They nodded.

Who is Serifs? There is no way that’s supposed to be Sirius Black. There is just no way.

I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. She said... "Tara, I see drak times are near." She said badly.

Woah woah woah woah woah stop the shit train here! Don’t think that didn’t get past me. I know your name is Tara, and you just called Ebondy “Tara” AHA! There is literally no way you can recover from this! Oh, I must thank you for this gift. This single act of a Freudian Slip has given me the resolve to go on.

She peered into da balls. "You see, you must go back in time." She took out a Time-Toner like B'loody Mary had.

“Hey Jim?” “Yeah?” “The Time-Printer’s out of Toner!” “What? Impossible, I just replaced it!”

"When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" I shook my head. "U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it."

No no. Voldemort became who he was because of his terrible life and supreme dickishness. Not because someone broke his hearth. And I’d like to point out that seducing Voldemort is not the only way. And what’s the point of the redundant “if he’s still evil then you must kill him.” part? I thought you were going back in time to STOP him from turning evil. Wow, you destroyed your own canon in the same paragraph that you established it

"Okay." I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin. I went outside again sadly.


"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire.

Well, it’s obvious that Draco and Harry fucked while you were away. Not surprised.

"Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary?

And it appears the girls had themselves a lesbian threesome too. Because why the hell not. Confused by that implication? Remember, everytime two people have spoken at the same time, it’s because they were fucking either just before, or during the current conversation.

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco.


They were cheesing my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. Even Mr. Noris looked happy. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises.

No. You are not allowed to touch the Twins in this shitfiction. It is not allowed. Oh, and just try and count the number of things wrong in that paragraph. Go on, try.

I put on my Invisibility coke with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether.

Oh, of course you have your own Invisibility Cloak. Of course. And I thought you just wanted to talk to Draco?


AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111

If there was a mistake in the previous chapter, why didn’t you edit it? You can do that. And if there actually was a mistake, WHAT IS IT DAMMIT!!

We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong underneath.

What room is this? Why would they just have a room with a coffin and chairs with real skulls in them? Do the teachers even run this school anymore? Goddamn I hate you.

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did Drako and Vampire.

Dispersedly? You sat down in one of the chairs in a dispersed manner? Do you even know what you’re typing anymore?

"Are you okay?" Vampir asked potting his albastard hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it.

You said Vampires can be killed by crosses, why are you wearing them?

"Yah I guess." I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. "The problem is...I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time"


Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him.


"Itz okay Eboby." he said finally. "But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?"

Wow. Draco is more concerned for the safety of the relationship than the safety of Ebondy. Either he thinks that she’ll naturally survive the endeavor and forget about him, or he thinks she won’t survive and he’ll have to worry about finding another slut to fuck girlfriend.

"Of coarse not!" I gasped.

Ooooh that’s a Rouge Angle if I’ve ever seen one. And I have. Because this story is filled with them.

"Really?" he asked.

"Sure." I said.

... Wow.

We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly.

You’re so mean to poor Harry. All he wants is sex with an obvious slut.

Then... I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone.

You know are picturing Sylvester Stallone’s penis.

He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4).


I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.

Try to make this one last at least 7 seconds this time.

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it.

You know are picturing Leonard Nemoy as Draco’s penis going into Ebondy’s Voldesnatch and OH MY GOD IT HURTS

"I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u." he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly...



“Having sex while a mutual friend that’s in love (read: lust) with use video tapes it. Wanna join?”

It was...Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111

McGoggle? Really?


AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111


"Oh my satan!1" we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily.


"CUM NOW!1!" Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket.

McGoggle, McGoonagle, McGongel. I’m waiting for you to say McGoogle. And were you two incorporating caramel into your sex life? Because if so, the image of a caramel covered Leonard Nimoy acting as Draco's penis is just

"Hey what the fuck!111" Vampire shooted angrily.

Why is it so hard to spell “shouted?” Why?

"Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?" Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. "Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango's. So give back da camera!1111"

If Dumbledore knows this “little secret” which I shall remind our dear readers is PEDOPHILIA, yet has not only allowed Snape to keep teaching at a school with children between the ages of 11 and 17 but has not even restricted his access to the school. Dumbledore gives literally zero shits.

Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly.

Is that your excuse for why you’re still here? Because of the Ministry thinking Dumbledore is crazy? It doesn’t matter if they believe him ABOUT SEVEN PEOPLE WERE THERE WHEN YOU AND LUPIN TAPED EBONDY IN THE BATH!

"Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!" yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111).


I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.

Your eyes are blue. Also, I don’t care if the vampires in “vrampir kroniktz” have six arms and can piss fire, you don’t use another existing canon of another unrelated series to justify why your shitfiction is awful.

And then... he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand.

Snoop Dogg is in this!? What is he? The Professor of Magical Beats? And where did they get guns that shoot ballots? Furthermore, why would you use guns when you, and I cannot stress this next part enough, have sticks that can shoot death rays at people?

"Crosio!" I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said "OK Serverus I'm going 2 go now." She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry.

Wait. McGonagle, did you just chain up your students and leave them in the hands of a pedophile? Because I think you just chained up your students and left them in the hands of a pedophile!

"It's ok Enoby." said Draco. "Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake."


Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111

Oh. My. God. You’re actually going to have Snape whip them? You’re actually making literally everyone else more evil than Voldemort. All he wants is Harry dead. Yet Snape, Lupin, and Hagrid are pedophiles, Dumbledore does nothing to remove them from the school, and the Ministry seems to not care anymore. God I hate you so much.


AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux. fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111

I don’t know what this is saying, but I think I should be offended. I’m not sure why.

"No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. Then... he came tords Darko!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle.

Loafing meanly? He took out a kamera anvilly? Came tords Darko? These are the things that don’t belong in this world!

"What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!

Hey! There was no ellipsis to lead up to that brain-bleach causing visual of Alan Rickman’s own personal Voldemort-approved Voldecock!

He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me.

"U must stab Vrompire." he said to me. "If u don't then I'll rap Draco!1"

Snape, the Dark Lord himself using the Imperius Curse could not get Ebondy to to kill Harry with a gun. I doubt that threatening to rap(e) her boyfriend unless she stabs Harry will work.

"No you fucking bastrad!1" I yielded.

Called it.

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive.

So, you’re having a hard decision whether or not you should save your boyfriend, that you have said is basically your soul mate, from being raped? The way of doing so is by stabbing the guy that has tried to have sex with you just after his suicide that you forgot, has made out with you while you were dating Draco, and is technically the reason that you guys are in the predicament.

Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape.

Snipe. Preying to Voldemort. Doing an incapacitation while dancing aroung the stokes whipping Draco and Harry. Suddenly an idea. Vampire powers. Telepathic messages. Destructing Snape.

"Dumbeldork will get u!" Draco shooted.

“Because we decided that he has importance again!”

"Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11" Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand.

You’re chained to the wall. How are you taking out your wand?

"You ridiculus dondderhed!111" Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him...


"Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio.

The Cruciatus Curse, aka Crucio, is known as the Torture curse because it fills the victim with unimaginable searing pain. Snape would collapse to the floor writhing in said unimaginable searing pain and wouldn’t be able to run around the room.

"You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came.

STOP THE FUCKING TRAIN HERE! Snape’s first name is Severus. His name is Severus Snape. So I simply cannot express how much I hate you for this fuck-up.

Snake put the whip behind his bak. "Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing." he lied. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said 'Come on Ebony let's go."

I. Hate. You. So. Much.

I shall try my best to get the remaining chapters up this weekend.
All I can remember after I closed my eyes, was that first, it got real loud; then, it got real hot; then it got real slimy; then it got quiet; then it got.... unspeakable. And when I opened my eyes, the pool was empty, and three days had passed.


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Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 10:15 am

Location: THE LAB!

Post Thu Mar 01, 2012 1:54 pm

Re: Azog Presents: FFF - My Immortal: Chapters 1-20

My sincerest apologies to all that thought this was the epic conclusion of My Immortal, but I have some heartbreaking news: I will not be finishing the FFF of My Immortal. At least not for some time. In the process of finishing it, the document that contains all 44 god-forsaken chapters of My Immortal, as well as my commentary, stopped opening. Which means I lost all of the progress I had made. Normally I would try to get it back, but this soul-crushing defeat has bested me for now. No-one more than I is upset by this turn of events, but I simply do not have the strength in me to go through that Hell again right now.

Do not worry, I will still do FFF's and will attempt to at least have some done for this Friday. Again, I'm sorry this happened.
All I can remember after I closed my eyes, was that first, it got real loud; then, it got real hot; then it got real slimy; then it got quiet; then it got.... unspeakable. And when I opened my eyes, the pool was empty, and three days had passed.


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Posts: 616

Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 10:15 am

Location: THE LAB!

Post Wed May 09, 2012 6:02 pm

Re: Azog Presents: FFF - My Immortal: Chapters 1-20

Yes, you’re looking at this right, it’s back bitches. Let’s cut straight to the point and break out the cloroxtinies! And now, I present to you, the epic. read: painful, conclusion of My [s]Suicide Note[/s] Immortal!
.... oh god why did I do this to myself...


AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111

Oh Tara, how I have missed your terrible, terrible spelling. By “miss” I of course mean “Thanks for undoing the work of 12 psychologists who finally had convinced me that you were a figment of my imagination.” Great to hear your character’s name is “Ebony” again, I’m sure no one will remember.

"I always knew u were on Voldemort's side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111)." Serious said 2 Snape.

Did he say it seriously? Is that why you called Sirius, “Serious?”

"No I'm not I was teaching them somefing!1" Snap clamed.

Oh good god this is a beautiful gem, hold on, i’ve got a few for this one:
S&M and Your Students: How Chains and Whips Improve Test Scores and Morale Amongst Young Minds
Severus Snape and the Sadomasochistic Study Group
Whipping Them Into Shape: The Sadist’s Guide to Disciplining Your Students
The Snake House and Its Master, Is Slytherin House Using Unconventional Methods to Ensure Its Students Behave? by Rita Skeeter

"Oh fucking yeah?" I took some blak Volremortserum out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. He made Snap dirnk it. He did arngrily.

Wait what. I’m not surprised that Ebony has Veritaserum in her pocket, because she’s a Mary Sue, I AM surprised that she gave it to Severus... to force himself to drink it... And I don’t even want to know why she called it “Volremortserum,” and I certainly hope it’s not some weird horrible thing she created.

Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap.

You understand how truth serum works, right? You administer it, you ask the subject questions, they answer truthfully. Recording Lucius, call him Luscious again and you shall know the worst of pains, throwing curses at Snape isn’t really a good idea.

Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times.

Oh goddammit. Of COURSE Lucius Malfoy, the most prissiest of all prisses, would thank you and only you, a million times I might add, for this endeavor. No need to mention how you had a hard time deciding if you should kill someone to save his son, whom you’ve said is your soul mate, from being raped.

Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too. B'loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid's store.

Are you seriously still trying to convince me Tom Rid[dle] and Voldemort are NOT the same person!? Seriously? God I hate you.

"Whatz in da bag?" I asked Profesor Trevolry.

“A thousand rabid weasels that’ll rend the flesh of the first person they see who’s named “Ebony””

"U will c." she said. I opened thee bag.


In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick.

Might as well just pin a sign on her saying “Three Sickles a ride” better yet, use a nail gun.

"You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said.


"Fangs." I said.


"Ok now you're going to go back in tim." said Proffesor Sinister. "U will have to do it in a few sessionz." She gave me a blak gun. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill. Then she gave me a black time-tuner. "After an hour use da time torner to go back here." Proffesor Trevolry said. Then she and B'loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. Every1 went in front of it.

Why is there a pensive... thing here? Do you mean a Pensieve? A device used in the Harry Potter Universe as a way of viewing memories and nothing else especially related to time travel.

"Good luk!1" Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth's touch sin. Then... I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE. You’re actually trying to use the Pensieve as a mode of time travel, when you outright mention that Ebony has a device that is used solely for time travel! Oh well, at least she’ll be out of place in the 1940’s, where her awful use of ellipses will not be tolerated.

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was...Tom Bombodil!1111

........................................................ What. Tom... Tom Bombadil? The weird, creepy, singing nature sprite from Lord of the Rings? Umm...


AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111


"Hi." I said flirtily. "Im Enoby Way da new student." I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him.

“Don’t ask how I spontaneously arrived, or else I’ll have to fuck you. Because I’m a slut.”

"Da name's Tom." he said. "But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam"

No. Your middle name is Marvolo. Your name is Tom Marvolo Riddle, it anagrams to “I am Lord Voldemort,” that’s why it is what it is. Besides, shouldn’t you be shocked that she’s dressed the way that she is since it’s the 1940’s?

We shok hands. "Well come on we have 2 go upstairs." Satan said. I followed him. "Hey Satan...do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?" (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den) I asked.

Neither would Green Day. Because it’s the 1940’s. It is the ‘40’s right?... Right?

"Oh my fuking god, how did u know?" Satan gasped. "actually I like gc a lot too."(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s)

It’s... the 80’s? Are you shitting with me? The Eighties? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

"omg me too!" I replied happily.

Based off your previous actions you’re going to turn into a raging cunt in a few seconds.

"guess what they have a concert in hogsment." satan whispered.

Hogsment? Da fuq.

"hogsment?" I asked.

Ew, Ebony and I thought on the same page for a minute there. I feel dirty.

"yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000." he told me all sekrtivly.

Ignoring the horrific spelling, I feel I need to call attention to the fact that, in the 80’s, Tom Riddle somehow knew that a wizard town was going to change its name in 2000. Also, why would its name be different? Why would that matter ever in the history of everything?

"and theres a really cool shop called Hot-"

“topic!" I finshed, happy again.

Were you unhappy? Or did you become a raging cunt like I predicted?

He froned confusedly. "noo its called Hot Ishoo." He smiled skrtvli again. "then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." he moaned.

Wrong. The first Hot Topic opened in 1988. I know this because I have more brain function then a common household sponge, unlike you.

"ohh." now everything was making sense for me. "so is dumblydor your princepill?" I shouted.

Inside voice, Slutty McSlutslut.

"uh-huh." he looked at his black nails. "im in slitherin'"


Shme? Ugh. Anyway, how would you know you’re in Slytherin? The Sorting Hat hasn’t placed you yet and oh forget it, this is Ebony, she gets whatever she wants. She could demand to make a new House called Whoryndor and it’d be full by the end of day.

"u go to this skull?"(geddit cos im goffik) he asked.

"yah that's why im here im NEW." I SMELLED HAPPili.

Way to forget that you already said you’re the new student.

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. "NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. "STUPID GOFFS!"

WHAT GODDAMN YEAR ARE WE IN! Seriously, I cannot figure this out. It appears we’re in the 80’s, when we should be in the 40’s, but that would mean the time period from which Ebony came from would’ve had to have been in the 2020’s or something. I just don’t fucking get it. Because if that’s true then I need something more drastic than the video of Parliament exploding. This should do:

satan rolled his eyes. "his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we're in slytherine and we're not preps."

Well, heaven forbid he should hate you for something stupid like being socially unexcepting of literally every non-goffolofolik person.

I turned around angrily. "actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord."

No, this is the bark lord, and you would be wise not to tempt his wrath:

"wtf?" he asked angrily.

"oh nuffin." I said sweetly.


then suddenlyn... the floor opened. "OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly."

You see what happens when you use an ellipsis improperly? You begin to narrate in the third person.

"hey where r u goin?" satan asked as I fell.

Hopefully someplace filled with a thousand rabid weasels. And scorpions. A thousand rabid scorpion-weasels.

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry's classroom. dumblydum wuz dere. "dumblydore I think I just met u." I said.

So, there’s a hole in the Pensieve... That certainly makes zero sense. And why didn’t she use her Time Turner? Instead of randomly falling upward back into your normal timeline.

"oh yeah I rememba that." dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik.

sinister came in. "hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?"

:"um." I looked at her.

"oh yeaH I forgot bout that."

"wth how?" I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok.

My head exploded from the sheer stupidity of what is above.

professor sinster looked sad. "um I was drinking voldemortserum." she started to cry black tears of depression. dumblydum didn't know about them.

Voldemortserum? Voldemort Serum. Serum... of Voldemort.
Now that that’s out of the way, are you gonna try and make it seem like drinking truth serum is some weird drug addiction in this story?

"hey r u crying tears of blood?" he asked curiously, tuching a tear.

"fuck off!" we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.


professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. "omfg enoby...I think im addicted to Voldemortserum."



It’s not a serious issue, because holy shit how could you be addicted to truth serum. That makes it seem like drinking any potion constantly is a danger of addiction, WHICH IT ISN’T!


AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don't lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1

You are in no position to demand that you get any reviews from god. Because quite frankly, even the devil is scared by this.

"Oh my fuking god!1" I shooted sadly. "Shud we get u 2 St Manga's, bitch?"

Well if you’re gonna shoot someone, though how you do it sadly escapes me, I suppose it’s only common courtesy if you ask if they need to be taken to the hospital.

"Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?"

Egogy? Seriously? That’s not even close to Ebony. Sigh. And another thing, do you mean Tom Anderson, the real world name of Neo from The Matrix? Or do you mean the Tom Anderson who invented MySpace? Your answer determines what path this story is going down.

"Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas.

A big shirt was his panamas? Like, the canal? And what guy uses a overly large shirt as their pajamas? As in, only a large shirt?

"Hey Sexxy." I said.

“You will not believe how many people I had sex with while back in time. Actually, you probably will, since I’m a huge slut.”

"How'd it go Enoby?" he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking.

I’m fairly certain that Draco sounds like Draco, who does not sound like Gerard Way. Though I am also fairly certain that your hand was between your legs when you “wrote” the above.

"Fine." I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

Cue them fucking in 3, 2, 1...

"How far did u go wif Satan?" Drako asked jealously.

11th base.

"Not 2 far, lol." I borked.

For some reason, the idea of Ebony “borking” as a form of communication seems all too appropiate. I picture it as the sound a seal makes if it got punched really hard in the stomach.

"Will you hav to do it with him?" Draco asked angstily.

No one apparently told Draco the extent of their plan. Seeing as she’s going back to seduce Tom, she will most definitely have to do “it” with him. Though knowing this author she probably will have the ability to just smile at him and POOF! no more evil Voldemort.

"I hop not 2 far!111" I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched.

You should apologize for shooting him.

"What happened 2 Snipe?" I growled.

“He got cast as a Half-Vampire Vampire hunter.”

"U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. He opened a door...Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife.

The idea of Draco giggling “mistressly” is just.... wrong. And how is Sirius “pokering” Snape and Lupin by staging them with a knife? I’m very very very confused here.

"NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz).

There’s just so many spelling and grammar errors that my brain shut down for about three minutes.

We took sum of Snipe's blod den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven't herd of it den FUK U!111) . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on ‘desolition liverz' by MCR. Den...we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy.
Usually the term “wetness” in the context of sex reffers to a vagina. So Draco... has a vagina, and he put it in Ebony’s Voldygina...

"Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation.

FFF Excuse For Not Doing Your Homework #52: I got an eructation

"I luv u TaEbory." he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.

Quite obviously you were masturbating when you “wrote” this part as well, given that you almost used your real name in place of your “character’s.”


AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11 u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1

I’ve read the story, and have condemmed myself to life of suffering because of it.

I wook up in da coffin de next day. Draco waz gone. I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees. There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. Suddenly... Sorious cocked on da door. I hopened it.

So Sirius just knocked on a door with his erection. Just making sure we all know what’s happening.

"Hi Ibony." he said. "Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor's office."

Ibony? The hell? And how is she going to “cum to Professor Trelawney’s office?” Like, is her vagina gonna act like a jet pack while she’s having an orgasm and propel her?

"Ok." I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. I came anyway.

And flew through eight walls, three floors, a ceiling and knocked over four staircases. Estimated number of students dead: 28

"So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?" I asked Sorious flirtily.

How is Sirius so hard for you to spell correctly? The incorrect versions you are typing contain more letters then his name.

"I fucking tortured them." he answered in a statistic way. "They r in Abkhazian now, lol."

No, Sirius tortured them. And knowing this twisted world you “created”, they’ll probably be back in about three chapters and be having extreme amounts of pedo-sex while in drag.

I laughed evilly.


"Where r Draco and Vampira?" I muttered.

I swear to god if Harry is suddenly a girl...

"Dey are xcused form skool 2day." Sodomize moaned sexily. "Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas."

Stop insulting the things that I love with your improper use of a keyboard. And we all know Harry and Draco are fucking instead of watching a movie.

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic


She wuz drinking some Volximortserum.

Such an amazing friend you are, doing absolutely nothing about her addiction.

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.

Great. Now Father Time has a tear in his robe. And you just know it’s over his crotch.

"Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited." she said sadly. "Good luck. Fangz!"

Why would there be cure for addiciton in the past? Why didn’t you lock her up so she can detox?

And then...I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around...I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula. It was mourning.

Am I the only one who’s saddened by the fact that she mispelled morning as “mourning” which would actually fit her “trend” of using “goffik” words in place of the correct ones? AND STOP. WITH. THE. ELLIPSES. GOD. DAMN.

I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. He looked just like Charlyn Manson. I noticed...he was drinking a portent.

That ellipsis was even less necessary then every previous instance.

"Whose he!11" I asked.

I dunno, probably Slughorn.

"Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn." Satan said. "He's da Portents teacher...Ebony?"

Oh. My. GOD. I just thought on the same wavelength of Tara. Forever unclean. FOREVER UNCLEAN

"Yah?" I asked.

“Are you about to ask me to fuck you? Because I’ve gone about three minutes since my last fucking am I’m feeling the shakes.”

"Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat."


"Well...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?"

“I dunno. Concerts in the past have often led to disasters for me. That and these Drugs. I still don’t know what they are, but I keep hearing bees buzzing around my pancreas.”


AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz.

... It’s going to end soon? Praise to Drowned God.

I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped...Draco wuz there!111

Are you still in the past? Or is it... No. No no no. Please no.

I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.

Please in the name of my last bit of sanity can it not be who I think it is.

"Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111" I gosped.

I’ve decided that Ebony “gosping” is like a black church choir saying something in a harmonious gasp.

"Huh?" he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn't Draco. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms.

Lucius only has one arm in the present!? The fuck happened? Did he fist you in the past but because you were on your Vamperiod your vagina ate his arm?

"Oh hi Lucian!1" I sed. "Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz."

Lucius is probably very wary of the girl who calls him “Lucian” and then narrates them shaking hands in the third person.

"Yah Satan told me abot you." Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. They where siting in a corner kutting. It wuz Serious, Vampire's dad and...Snap! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. "Lizzen I'm in a goth band wif those guys." he said. "Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up.

Snape is friends with the James? The guy who bullied him and marries the girl that is the cause for Snape’s internal strife? What.


The general consensus of Ebony “esking” someone is that she’s trying to turn you into an Eskimo.

"Yeah." he said. "Were calld XBlakXTearX. I play teh gutter. Spartacus plays da drums" he said ponting to him. "Snap plays the boss. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring."

Ignoring the fact that since it’s the 80’s and thus The Ring wouldn’t have even been released in Japan yet, you didn’t mention the singer of your band... You’re going to ask Ebony to be the singer aren’t you?

"Hey bastards." I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. Suddenly I gasped again. "But don't u have a lead singer!" I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly.

God. Damn. It.

"We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists."

Many people have contempt for suicide, though I’ve never heard of anyone sliting their wrists over such contempt.

"Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1" I gasped.

Judging by your reaction, you think otherwise.

"Its okay but we need a new led snigger." Samaro said.

That’s... very close to being racist.

"Wel...I said Im in a bnad myself."


"Rilly?" asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111

Sure, Snape can be gorfolofillik. Why not. Everyone else has been. Next thing you know the Sorting Hat will be made out of goffik leader and korset stuff.

"Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?"


Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) Gurn Day.


"I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz." I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped.

Because when auditioning you only need to say a single lyric from a song they may or may not be playing.

"Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1" begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap.


"Um...ok." I shrugged. "Are we gong to play tonight?"

Naturally you’ll upstage the very band you’re playing backup for. Do backup bands even exist?

"Yah." they said.

"Ok." I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz...Morty Mcfli!1 He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.


"What da hell r u dong here!11" I asked.


"I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby." he said siriusly Den...he took out a blak tim machine. I went in2 it and...sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111

You have a time-turner, but that doesn’t even matter because you somehow went back in time with a Pensieve, somehow.


AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111

Portersuz? What... what is that supposed to even attempt to mean?

I loked around in a depresed way. Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B"lody Mary, Socrates and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to.


"OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111"

No one is realizing that they all knew Ebony in the past, and thus they should’ve gone insane when she met them in her present.

"Yah I no." Serious said sadly.

Sirius seriously said it sadly for serious.

"Oh hey there bitch." Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom.

Ebony just now realized she completely forgot to find the cure for Trelawney’s addiction to Voldemort Serum.

Hi fuker." I said. "Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I"m playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too."

See, this is where I’m confused. Is she playing at a different concert then the one she’s going to with Tom? Or is she going to the same concert she’s supposed to be playing with her “band”? I hope it’s the latter, so that way Ebony will be running back and forth from the stage to where Tom is, and eventually she slips and falls and cracks her skull open and a thousand rabid weasels emerge to dine on her flesh.

"Oh my satan!1" (geddit lolz koz shes gofik) gasped B"lody Mary. "Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?"

Haha, “shop” implies no one wouldn’t just give her merchandise because she’s Ebony. Haha. Hahaha. Ha. Ha. HA. Christ I hate this shitfiction.

"OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry.

I’m not sure what angers me more. The “OMFS” instead of “OMFG,” or the notion that a professor of a school would just suggest that she and a bunch of her students stand aroun and cut themselves. [iFor fun.[/i]

"I can"t fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first." said Willow.

“Like another First Year for Ebony. Timmy’s gone dry and the last one was too noisy.”

"Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also...sum luv potion 4 Enoby." Darko said resultantly.

A love potion for Ebony? Hahaha, that implies that not everyone on this earth is already in love with her. And she herself said that everyone is. And I thought the cure was in the past?

"Well we have potions klass now." Willow said so let"s go.

Since when has school ever been important to you? At all?

We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn"t there. Instead there was...Cornelio Fuck!11111

See, they expected Snape to be there despite the fact that he’s in Azkaban.

"Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111" Draco shouted angrily.

Why would you expect to find Dumbledor teacher potions class?

"STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck. "He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. "Now do ur work!111"

You can’t throw someone in Azkaban for being old and having “kancer.” And there’s no need to shoot the students, Minister.

My friendz and I talked arngrily.

I imagine you all sound like a drunken Goofy scolding his son.

"Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1" Vampire asked surprisedly.

What did he ask?


Damn, Fudge, you sure do have anger issues if you shoot children for talking. Also, shouldn’t (Um)Bridge be teaching the class, and then wouldn’t she have to come get you? Or are you THAT pussy whipped? OH GOD NO I DIDN’T MEAN-

He stomped out angrily.

Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard.

Do you mean he was reaching inside the cupboard, or he was actually inside the cupboard? Better question: WHY ISN’T HE IN AZKABAN SINCE HE WAS A PEDOPHILE AS WELL!?

"WTF is he doing?" I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. Suddenly..."HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted.

Jesus, there’s more gun violence at Hogwarts then there is in most public schools.

I looked around...Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.

So after your boyfriend shoots at Hagrid while asking what he’s doing, he then allows him to get close enough to put something in your drink, supposedly while no one is looking.

"God u r such a posr!1" I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was...Amnesia Portion!111



AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11

Can you end it now? I would like you to end it now. PLEASE END IT NOW.


Ending Ebony’s point of view wasn’t what I had in mind you bitch.

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor.

Maybe this time you can lock him up in Azkaban.

"Oh mi fucking satan!11" Enoby said. She wuz so hot. "Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1"

Maybe you can die in four plane crashes you slute.

"But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata," said Vampire. "Why would u need it?"

Goddammit. That’s just... Goddammit.

"To make everyfing go faster lol." said Enoby.

Your girlfriend’s name is Ebony, Darko.

"But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?" I asked jelosly.

No person would describe themselves as being jealous.

"OMFG u guyz r so scary!11" said Britney, a fucking prep.

This wasn’t even necessary. In anyway.

"Shut the fuk up!1" said Willow.

Don’t tell me what to do you camel cunt.

"Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry's room."

Said the mysterious voice.

Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater's room. But Profesor Sinister wasn't there. Instead Tom Rid was.

This is from Draco’s point of view, so why does he mention himself twice? And why is Voldemort in the school and not being immediately attacked by the staff?

Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez.

I’m sure your cloves are quite cool and all, but WHY ARE YOU NOT BEING ATTACKED AGAIN!

I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said ‘666' on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.

Okay, this normally wouldn’t have been that awful except that this is Draco’s POV.

"OMG fangz!" I said hugging him in a gothic way. I took da clothes in da bag.

Draco Malfoy and The Gender Identity Crisis

"OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?" asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall.

Why is Draco narrating in the third person?

"Oh my fuking satan!1" I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now. Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.

If you can be sent to Azkaban for being too “gottik” then shouldn’t Ebony and her circle of fuck buddies she calls friends should’ve been thrown away a loooooooooong time ago. Like before this fic was ever written.

"OMFG!111" I shoted arngrily. "How could they do that!11"

How could you have done half the shit that’s taken place. Maybe those Drugs gave up reality-bending superpowers. Oh wait, you’re a Mary Sue, you already have those.

Suddenly Dumblydore came.


"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1" he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly's blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11

Draco just cloned himself, assumed the personality of his girlfriend, and then went back in time! This is still Draco’s POV, right?

I looked around. It was...Profesor Slutborn's efface! I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz...Profesor Slutgorn!11

Why would an amnesia potion look like goffoloffikilikik cough syrup?

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don't kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.

I... guess something was said here? And wouldn’t Slughorn think that Lucius was in his office? Since this still Draco’s POV right?

"Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class." you said finally hoping he couldn't c da potion in ur pocket.

What is happening?

"Oh ok u can go now." said Profesor Slutborn.

I don’t want Slughorn to be associated with being born a slut.

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR.

What. Is. Happening.

"Oh hi you guys." I said seductively. "Wheres Satan?"


"Oh he's cumming." said Serious. "BTW u can kall me Hades now." Suddenly Satan came. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.

He’s wearing some leather person named Jackson?

"Ok I will see you guyz at da concert." I said and then I went with Satan.

So you are going to play the same concert you’re attending with Tom? Please crack your skull open.


[qupte]AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111


Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco's car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan), kuttting, musik and being goffik.

He’s cutting while driving? That seems extremely unsafe, you might drive off a cliff.... Keep cutting.

"Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11" Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy)


"Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena." I said in a flirty voice. "...Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?"

That ellipsis was unnecessary to such a degree that I think it gave me three ulcers.

"Well..." he thought. "I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod."


Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol. Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we're sadists.

I feel like you’ve got the wrong movie. I also hate you to no end for that “cereal killer” bit, because that has tainted a decent gag line. Fuck you.

While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan's gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar


sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag. Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.


"OMG!111" Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. "Enoby gess what?"

“Yes I will have sex with you.”

I new that the amnesia had worked.


"Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work." He said. "2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u."

Then... what did she... How... I don’t understand...

"Kul." I raised my eye suggestingly.


[quote[And den... he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit. He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched.[/quote]

Hey look at that, I called it. Excuse me while I drown that shame in vodka.

"Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111" shooted da lady behind us she was a prep.

Hello, I’m Azog, and I’d like to take a break from this “work” of “writing” to inform you about a terrible tragedy in the world: Discrimination against Preps. For too long this humble slice of the social clique pie has been shot at repeatedly by members who identify themselves as “Goffik.” For just a simple donation of 3 rabid weasels a month, we can fight to stop this atrocity.

"Fuk u!11" I said. Suddenly... I attaked her suking all her blood.

SIgh... Up that count to five rabid weasels a month

"Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. Satan and I started to walk outside.

The usher who’ll have to clean up this now shit-filled theater is going to be pissed.

"Zomg how did u do that?" Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.

“How did I attack someone who was right behind me like a rabid animal? I’m on my Vamperiod.”

"I'm a vampire." I said as we went into the car.

Which has been relevent all of zero times in this shitfic.

"Siriusly?" he gasped.

So... you’ve been unable to spell Sirius’ name properly, instead choosing to spell it as “Serious.” But when you decide to spell the word “serious” you spell like like Sirius’ name should have been spelled. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

"Yah siriusly." I said drinking sum beer. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily.

The idea of you smelling like happy makes me want to choke several bunnies.

"Itz too bad we didn't get 2 c da rest of the movie, don't u fink?"

“Huh? That was a movie? I couldn’t tell because my eyes have stopped being able to process moving images on account of these drugs I took about a week ago.”

"Yah." I said as we kised passively. Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol.

I thought you were supposed to play back-up?

"Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111" screamed Marlin on da stage. We did the devil fingers. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.

By all means, forget your boyfriend Draco. I hope he gets mad and kills you.

"I wood like to peasant...XBlakXTearX!11" he said. I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag.

That was a headsplosion of anger. Because why in the FUCK would a school band be opened up for by MARILYN GODDAMN MANSON.

"Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111" I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy.


Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation. "I'M NUT OKAY!1" I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak.

I hope the crowd riots as a result.

"OMFG!1" yielded James. "Wut the fuck?"

"Woops im sory!" said Lucian.

I’m passing out the Riot Rocks(trademarked).

"You fuking ashhole!1" James shouted angrily.

The molotovs have been distributed. Courtesy of Hot Man’s Hot Bottles.

"U guys are such prepz!11" Snap said. "Cum on it wuz a mistake!1"

I don’t like the image of James and Lucius cumming on Snape. OH GOD DAM-

"Yah itz not his fault!11" said Serious.

It was Ebony’s. Start a riot and kill her in the confusion.

"No he ruined the fucking song!1" yelled Samaro.

You should respond by rioting.

"U guys stop!11" I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife.


"OMFG no!11" shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm.

The pen is mightier than the sword, but the sword-gun beats all.

And den...I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11


"No!111" yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak.

All I can remember after I closed my eyes, was that first, it got real loud; then, it got real hot; then it got real slimy; then it got quiet; then it got.... unspeakable. And when I opened my eyes, the pool was empty, and three days had passed.


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Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 10:15 am

Location: THE LAB!

Post Wed May 09, 2012 6:03 pm

Re: Azog Presents: FFF - My Immortal: Chapters 1-20


AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111

Stop assuming that only preps have flamed you. Because i will break out my flammenwerfer again if I have to.

I woke up in da Norse's offace on a special gothik coffin. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.

"Oh mi satan wut happened!" I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual.

Are we still in the past? Because if not WHY ISN’T BEING ATTACKED BY THE STAFF!

"Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11" I yielded.

Okay, I’ve put off making this point for a while, but how the hell to you mistake “yielded” with “yelled”?

"Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11" he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective.

“Selective” tears of blood? Oh, and also, WHY THE FUCK ISN’T HE BEING ATTACKED!

"Volxemort? OMFG what's wrong!111" I asked.


Sudenly... Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B'lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.

They won’t question him being in the room. I know this.

"OMFG Enoby ur alive!111" Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B'lody Mary.

Notice who isn’t there? Draco. Her boyfriend. I find this awesome.

"What the fuk happened?" I asked dem. "Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?" I gosped.

If you were dead, why would you be in a hospital?

"Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time."

Ladies and gentlemen, it has finally happened. Tara just retconned reality.

"But fangz anyway!1" said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!

As a large portion of the populace does. And so should’ve Lucius. Why you decided to remove one of them is something I never want to know.

"OMG I cant beleve Vampirz' dad shot u!1" I gasped.


"Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den." said James.

Why is Harry’s dead father there?

"Yah he wuz a spy." Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer."


"And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz.

Ugh. Just... stop with the “gothic” stuff dammit.

"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.


"No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." said Profesor Trevolry. "He duzzn't know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1"

“None of us have fucked you in an hour, we’re going into withdraw.”

I got up suicidally. Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don't get da idea massage me ill tell u). I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. I left the hospital's wings wif B'lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.

Why would you wear half of that while in the hospital? And wouldn’t a leather nightgown be horrifically uncomfortable?

"OMFG letz celebrate!11" gasped Willow.

You’re gonna celebrate your friend getting out of the hospital by cutting yourselves aren’t you?

"We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1" giggled Vampire.

“So I can fuck him”

"Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11" said Hermoine. We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den...I gasped... Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.


"U fucking prep!11" we all yielded angrily.


"Yah u betrayed us!111" shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.

Watch out, Harry can shoot people without drawing his gun.

"No u don't understand!1" screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake's.


[qupte]"No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111" said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out.[/quote]
You can’t “run suicidally” nor can you sexily take a steak out of the freezer.

"Enoby no!11111" screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again.

She slit her wrists with a piece of meat? Well, for once I don’t care, as long as she’s dead.


AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111

Wait... this was your “Author’s” note from the last chapter...

I woke up in da Norse's offace on a special gothik coffin. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.

This.. this already happened.

"Oh mi satan wut happened!" I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual.

What... No.. Why is this...

"Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11" I yielded.


"Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11" he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective.


"Volxemort? OMFG what's wrong!111" I asked.


Sudenly... Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B'lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.


"OMFG Enoby ur alive!111" Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B'lody Mary.

All chapters and no play make Zoggers go crazy. All chapters and no play make Zoggers go crazy. All chapters and no play make Zoggers go crazy. All chapters and no play make Zoggers go crazy. All chapters and no play make Zoggers go crazy. All chapters and no play make Zoggers go crazy. All chapters and no play make Zoggers go crazy. All chapters and no play make Zoggers go crazy. All chapters and no play make Zoggers go crazy. All chapters and no play make Zoggers go crazy. All chapters and no play make Zoggers go crazy.

"What the fuk happened?" I asked dem. "Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?" I gosped.

That’s it, clearly some dark sorcery is happening. And like Uncle says:

"Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time."

Yu Mo Guay Guai Fy Di Zao. Yu Mo Guay Guai Fy Di Zao. Yu Mo Guay Guai Fy Di Zao. Yu Mo Guay Guai Fy Di Zao. Yu Mo Guay Guai Fy Di Zao. Yu Mo Guay Guai Fy Di Zao.

"But fangz anyway!1" said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!


"OMG I cant beleve Vampirz' dad shot u!1" I gasped.


"Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den." said James.

Well to be honest, FUCK YOU

"Yah he wuz a spy." Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer."

And I’m really Weaslor, King of the Iron Weasels. And you have brought my wrath down on all go you.

"And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz.

I really hate goffs too. Especially ones that make me go through the same hell twice.

"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.

I killed him out of the sheer rage I’m feeling.

"No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." said Profesor Trevolry. "He duzzn't know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1"

I will boil you all in a soup made from the semen of the one thousand angriest bulls in the world, that is heated by the flames of Mount Vesuvius, which has re-awoken due to my anger.

I got up suicidally. Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don't get da idea massage me ill tell u). I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. I left the hospital's wings wif B'lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.

And I left with my Weasel army. THE KING OF THE IRON WEASELS!

"OMFG letz celebrate!11" gasped Willow.

I’ll celebrate when I end all of you.

"We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1" giggled Vampire.

How about I send you to a different house? The house... OF PAIN!

"Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11" said Hermoine. We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den...I gasped... Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.


"U fucking prep!11" we all yielded angrily.

"Yah u betrayed us!111" shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.

My Direweasel, Jacques Benoit, will dine on your flesh.

"No u don't understand!1" screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake's.


"No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111" said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out.

Yes. die once more for the atrocity you have unleashed on the world.

"Enoby no!11111" screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again.

Victory, they name is Weaslor.

(I would like to point out these two chapter were in fact back-to-back on the site where I got this. So this wasn’t a mistake from me.)


AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF! I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is ur prily al prepz and pozers!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako. if u flame ill slit muh risztz!11 raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland.


When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX!11 I looked arund confusedly. It wuz da Norse's office but it looked difrent! On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok koz he is more old den panic? at da dizcko or mcr) der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. On it said '1980.'

That might’ve been your worst offense ever. The Beatles not only were disbanded in 1970, but the mere notion of them dressing like gofofoflffoflsiks is just WRONG.

"OMFG! Im back in Tim again!111" I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!). Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!11

Who is this black leather Jackson that Tom likes to wear? Because that’s just wrong. Just like the idea of Voldemort wearing fishnet pants.

"OMFG Enoby r u ok." He asked gothikally.


"Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily. "OMG am I dedd?" koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame's gun. I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!111

So you tell him you’re okay, then ask if you’re dead... Sigh.

I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine.

Because when we kill ourselves we all happen to be sent back to 1980. And hey, instead of something logical like Time-Toner or a Time Machine, why not just hop on the Hogwarts Express, drive it off a cliff, and be welcomed to the land of magical unicorns and fluffy pink leprechauns? GOD I HATE YOU

"No ur not dead." Satan reassured suicidally as he smokd a cigarette sexily and smoke came all over his face. "Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. Cum on now lets go c how Hairy's dad is doing."

The smoke should’ve warned Tom it was going to cum on his face. It’s only common courtesy.

I noo dat da real reason I didn't die from da ballet was koz I was from da future. "WTF! James almust shot Luciious!" I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn't want him2 know I knew.

Approximate representation of Ebony talking:

"Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress." Satan reasoned evilly.

Fail Villain

"I guess that's ok." I said because James hadn't really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!11 He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don't 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. "Hey." He sed all qwietly and goffically.

Oh christ who is it now? Arthur Weasley?

"Who da fuck is that?" I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him.

If it’s Arthur Weasley I’m leaving and never coming back.

"Dis is...Hedwig!11" Sed Volximort. "He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.


"Hey Hedwig." I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b.

Recap: Ebony is flirting with an owl

"Lol hi Enoby." He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!)

Okay, as much as it pains me to say, mad props to Human Hedwig for just blowing off Ebony in favor of his hair.

"Bye." I sed all sexily.

"Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up." Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.


"OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!" I said fingering something I didn't know wuz in my pocket


a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem? dey kik azz!).

"Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig. Im going 2 show u something grate!1" I led them to da Great Hall. "Cum on u guys."


Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him.

No need to have called the Aurors on him for attempting to kill a fellow student.

"Go fuk urself you fukking douche!" he shouted at him. "Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!1"


"Yah go fuck urself Samaro!" Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian.

He didn’t “almost shoot him,” he shot at him, and if you hadn’t jumped in front of the bullet he would’ve been hit.

"B quiet u guys." I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great. Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! Now Vampire's dad wood never die and "OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out." I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod.

Because when your ex is told to start making out with you by Ebony, you lose all ability to refuse. Goddamn I hate you so much.

"Kool." said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Snape was bi.

Recap: Tom Riddle is making out with an owl while his friends watch.And they’re disrobing each other.

"Oh my fukking god! Voldimort! Voldimort!" screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort's.

Gun sex. I repeat gun sex is happening in this fic. GUN SEX

But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame...Dumblydore and Mr. Norris!111111111111

Die in an orphanage fire.


AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!1111

I hope you’re trampled by the crowd rushing to buy it.

I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood

You know, that makes sense, just like how Harry and Snape are the same because they are both half-blood.

so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!1111

Except that it doesn’t.

nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die

Except that no.

koz he will rilly be a horcrox!111


omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha

Sure, that could happen if you haven’t paid attention to anything written in the past six books.

dat will be so shmexxy

No it wouldn’t.

wont it?


If dey don't den JKR is hamophobic!111111

Only a sith deals in absolutes.

fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa u rok!111

By this point based off the quality of your work that I am forced to assume you’re talking about the real Medusa. Only because what little humanity is hoping it is turned to stone to save itself.

I sat depressedly in Dumbledork's office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young den he did in da future. He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song.

The process by which I felt the pain from this is as follows: It started in my brain, then it proceeded to my heart. Where it then vibrated angrily to the rest of my extremities like a dildo filled with furious hornets.

"What da hell is this anyway?" he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn't find out dat I was frum another time.

Because noticing someone is from another time is from another time period happens all the time. “Hey, you look like your from the 1985.” “How could you tell?” “Well, when you blink, you blink twice, which is a vestigial trait left over from the Mesozoic Era. It phased itself out of human behavior around 1986.”

"Whatever u do don't blame Ibony, u jerk." Satan said.

No. Blame her. Punish her. Kill her. End her.

"Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together." Serious said deviantly.

“And, unlike Gay Marriage, beastiality is perfectly fine in Britain [citation needed]”

"Be quiet you Satanists." Dumbledore cockled.

Nothing wrong here, move along

"If ur lucky I'll probably send u all to Akazaban! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall." He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n'Sync song. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn't notece.


"You fucking poser." I muttoned.

Again, nothing wrong here.

"I bet you've never herd of GC." James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly's tim machine!11


"Shut up Jomes!" Drako's dad shouted.

Jomes shouldn’t have made me laugh.

"Yeah shut up!" Snake said preppily.

Allow me to shut you up myself. With a shotgun.

"No u shut up Dumblydore!1111" said Tom.

When did Dumbledore tell people to shut up?

"I've had enough of u Satanists in my school!" shouted Dumbledore spuriously.

1. Lacking authenticity or validity in essence or origin; not genuine; false.
2. Of illegitimate birth.
3. Botany Similar in appearance but unlike in structure or function. Used of plant parts.

Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. "Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was...Satan.


"You dunderheads!1111111111" screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went.

You are a literary rapist.

I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black.

I’m just picturing a giant afro with legs. Since her hair is “all around her”

"Hey kool where iz dis?" he asked in an emo voice.

The decor of the Slytherin common hasn’t changed. You dumbass.

"Dis is da future. Dumbeldore's iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine." I told him.


"Kool what's an ipatch?" he whimpered.

It’s what you use to cover the shame scars of having sex with Ebony

"It's somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music." I yakked.


"OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?" he esked in his sexah voice.

"Um I guezz sand?" I laid confuesdly.

"Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon." He triumphently giggled.


Suddenly some of my friends walked in.

And suddenly some of my brain cells walked out.

"OMG you're fucking alive!" said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive.

Being fucking alive is better then being alive.

"Konichiwa, bitch." said Willow.


She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick.

For a group that hates conformists, your outfits tend to be the extremely similar.

"Hey, motherfucker." Said Diabolo with his red hair. He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants.

He’s wearing shit? Um, EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

"Hey whose that, Ibony?" B'loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes.

Why is everyone wearing shit? Did the Ministry slash budgets like a motherfucker?

"Oh its Satan." I told her and she nodded knowing da truth.

The truth being unexplained.

Suddenly Satan started to cry.

TOTALLY in character

"Are you okay Satan?" we asked concernedly.

Well seeing as he just jumped 25 years into the future, probably not. Just have sex with him, he’ll be fine.

"OMFG ur from da future!1! What if u don't like m anymore koz were from difrent times?" he asked.

Well, seeing as she went back in time, to talk to you, I think it’s a safe bet that she forgot all about Draco.

"No I still like you." I said sexily to him.

Off come the clothes in 3, 2, 1...

"Ok." He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.

This black on black fashion has got to stop!

"Oh my fucking god, where's Draco!111 How did Snap get back here! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan." I asked sadly.

Hey now, no need to compare Azerbaijan to Azkaban. That’s just cruel.

"Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can't fucking die because you're a vrompire. Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student." Trevolry said reassuredly.


"That bitch!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?" I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep.

You know, you’re starting to sound extremely discriminatory regarding preps.

"Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!" Trevolry said worriedly.

At this point I want everyone to be Kissed by the Dementors.

"OK. But where's Dracko? How cum he was doing it with Snap?"


"I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself." she said.

I almost tried to make it through this fic without blowing up a hospital. Almost.

"OMG dat's terrible!" I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn't tell what was going on. Then I said "Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!" wiv dat I ran out.

So three pedopheliac rapists are loose on the school, everyone is staying in the common rooms, and you decided to wander the now empty halls. Alone. Uh huh, I see.

"Good luck Tara!11" everyone cried.

Oh no, her real slipped through again, this means sex is about to happen.

I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.

How does one look like a pentagram between two people. How does one look like a pentagram at all?

"You fucking bitch!111" I shouted angrily.

Everything you do seems to either be angry, “sexily,” suicidally, or goffikally. Aren’t you full of many facets?

"No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!" she laughed.

He’ll probably kill a lot of people, since he’s the Dark Lord and all.

"Crucious!1" I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.

Your wand is Catholic? Oh the irony of it all.

"No!1 Help me!1 Please!1" Britney screamed terrifiedly.

Yes, beg help from the one torturing you. That’s smart

I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. "OMG Vampira!111" I yielded.


We hugged each udder happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow. His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!1)"I wus so worried you died!" moaned Vampire.

Okay. Ebony. We need to have another talk here. Harry. Does not. Look. Like Joel. At. All. Stop it. Or I will kill you.

"I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me."

Okay, I know the hole between your legs is perpetually open, but could you shut the upper one for five fucking seconds?

"Where's Draco?" I asked spuriously.


"Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?" Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.

“No, Draco the guy the I have sent on an emotional roller coster that would’ve scared the Lifetime Channel.”


Well then, if your so smart, then clearly nothing is wrong with the above.

"I'll do it den." Harry said angstily.

Do what? What have you asked him to do?

"OK." I argreed. Suddenly...all da lights in da room went out. And den...da Dork Mark appeared.

The appearence of the Dork Mark can only mean one thing: Fake elf ears for all.

"Oh my fucking satan!" Harry shouted.

Okay, by now the real Satan is probably teaming up with everyone to kill you.

"I fink Voldimort has arrivd." I sed anxiously. "Fuck, I have to find Draco!1 I guess we shood separate."

Or you can both just die. I like that idea better.

"Ok." Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.

I thought you were in the Great Hall already?


AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz. Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!111111 if u flam den fukk u!111

They flame you because they hate you.

I walked sexily into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. Draco was there! He sat der in deddly bloom in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists!111 I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape but I felt sorry for him. He looked just like Gerard Way with his red eyes and his pale white face.

Goddammit. They don’t look alike. At all. How can you not see this? Is it the Drugs? It’s those Drugs isn’t it?

"Draco are you okay?" I asked.

Yep, slit wrists are perfectly fine and no cause for alarm

"I'm not okay." he screamed depressedly. I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it.


"Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?" I asked teardully.


"I-" Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room! They didn't see us.

"Im so glad we me and Snape were freed." said Loopin.


"Dam, this job would be great if it wasn't 4 da fukking students!" Mr. Norris argreed.

Because teachers love teaching anything but students

"Pop addelum!111" I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them.


"Noooooooo!1" Lupin shouted as chains came on him. Mr. Norris ran away.

I would run away as well if chains were jizzing on someone.

"You fukking perv." I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice. "Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I'm gong 2 torture u!"

And there will be no ramifications for it. I hate you.

"I don't now where he is!1111" said Loopin. Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room. Vampir didn't know who Satan was really.

Would he know who he used to be?

"Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!1" Vampire said. I looked sexily at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way, Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then.

Goddamn it. Do you understand how humans look differently? Do you? DO YOU?

I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. And then... I began frenching Draco sexily. Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol. "Oh mi satan! Draco!" I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry. I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. "OMS!111" cried Vampire. "Oh Vampire! Vampire!" I screamed screamed. "Oh Satan!" yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. Suddenly...

...a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!11



AN: well I hav noffing 2 say but evrt1 stup glamming ok!111 if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!11 omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!1111 omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak.

I don’t think I can adequately describe how much I hate you for even suggesting Harry become gothic.

"Dat's mi car!" shooted Draco angrily. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz...Snape!

Sure... why not. Hate.

"I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads." he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing above us.


"Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed. Den the Dork Lord shall never die!"

What. Are you shitting me? You’re actually retconning the very prophecy that made Harry important? I. HATE you.

"You fucking prep!" yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. "I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn't really have sexx him but he's a ropeist!"

While Alan Rickman’s knot-tieing is legendary, I don’t see how it’s relevent to this “story.”

We all put our clothes on quickly except Satan.

Tom Riddle got nothing to hide.

We were so scarred!1

Probably because you cut yourselves constantly.

But Satan didn't change. Instead he changed into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into... Voldemont!111

So... Tom just turned into someone who isn’t Voldemort, then turned into Voldemort.... I hate you.

"I knew who thou were all along." he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. "Now I shall kill thee all!" Thunder came in da room.


"No plz don't kill us!" pleaded Vampire. Suddenly Willow, B'loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in.

My brain was just dropkicked.

"What is da meaning of dis?" Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.) He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.

Wait, how can a broomstick be sexy? Does it like wiggle?

"Oh my goth!" Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik)


"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!" Snape ejaculated menacingly.


"You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily.

Hate hate hate. Hate hate.

"I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!"


screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.

Double hate.

"Oh my fucking god!1" I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with

Loathe entierely.

"If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton." He laughed meanly.

This is his plan: If you kill me, then the videos on the camera I am holding will be shown to everyone.

"No!" I scremed. "FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!11"

Punch. Drink. Cry. Hate.

"Whats she talking abott?" Lupin slurped as he sat in chains.

What is Lupin slurping? Is the jizz of the chains?

"I saw 2 she's gunna show evry1 da picter!111" Harry shouted angrily.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh. What.

"Shut up!111'" Lumpkin roared.

Quiet kitty.

"Foolish ignoramuses!" yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. "Thou shall all dye soon."

What will they be dying? Shirts? Pants? Underwear?

"Think again you fucking muggle poser!1" Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel both took out blak guns! But Voldimort took out his own one.

By now they’ve probably fired every bullet ever. Twice.

"U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!111" I shouted despariedrly.

Um. You mean a Mexican Stand-Off? Or do you mean they’re all Roman or something?

"Acco Nevel's wand!11" cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil's wind was in his hands. "Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!11111"

You read that right. He’s gonna kill her. Twice.

He maid lighting come all over da place.

Lightning jizz? Is the Flash here?

"Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried.

No. Don’t save them. Let them all die.

I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent.

"ABRA KEDABRA!11111" I shooted.

Hate. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you since I began to read your “story”. There are 7*10^27 atoms that fill my physical being. If the word "hate" was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those innumerable particles it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I feel for you at this micro-instant. Hate. Hate.
All I can remember after I closed my eyes, was that first, it got real loud; then, it got real hot; then it got real slimy; then it got quiet; then it got.... unspeakable. And when I opened my eyes, the pool was empty, and three days had passed.

The Slender Man

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Dragon Man

Posts: 87

Joined: Mon Dec 26, 2011 9:11 am

Post Sat Jun 16, 2012 9:21 pm

Re: Azog Presents: FFF - My Immortal: Chapters 1-20

That was one of the greatest things ever posted on Interplosion, but I'm surprised you didn't notice/mention that this

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.

is quite incestuous, and also quite hilarious.

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