AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)
Already I’m going to stop this and offer the following: , . For starters, “goffick” is either you being non-conformist in your spelling of the name of a group of people the pride themselves on being non-conformist, in which case, good job. Or, a far more likely explanation, you’re just blatently ignoring the most obvious spelling error I’ve ever seen. Also, please burn for your use of the word “fangz” as a replacement for “thanks”
2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!
Ugh, it’s only the second “sentence” of your introductory “Author”’s Note and you’ve already caused me another break. . Anyway, let’s ignore the spelling errors for a moment, don’t worry, we’ll get to them, and focus on the other problems. Why would you call someone your gf if you think it’s “ew,” and then force yourself to clarify that it’s “not in that way?” Furthermore, there’s more than one person to blame for this? Oh sweet baby Jesus, this is going to be great. Anyway, is the person your saying is “da luv of your deprzzing (more on that later, trust me) life” Justin Beiber? Because he does “rok.” Also, was it necessary to say the MCR “rox?” Haha, that was rhetorical, it wasn’t necessary at all!
Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way
and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)
with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).
Goddammit, stop making have to stop. So, not only do you not understand the concept of a comma, but you’re going to tell anyone that doesn’t know Amy Lee to get the hell out of your story? Do you even care about the people that read this? I’m sure this was just a mistake, and that you’ll be considerate to all readers. Though, I have to say, I find it odd that you described yourself as looking like what I am to assume is a celebrity, even though you felt like talking about your hair and eyes with some detail. Oh, I’m sorry. Was it not obvious this was a blatent author insert? Because it is.
I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.
Would Hogwarts allow a Vampire to attend it? That seems like a major health risk for the students.
I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black.
Alrighty, now we’re going somewhere with this. Let’s point somethings: Hogwarts is in Scotland. The rest of your class must be either genius’, or dumbasses, because I’m finding it hard to believe you’re the only seventh year at Hogwarts. Next thing, thank you for clearing up the confusion that you’re goth, because based off of what was said earlier I thought you were a gof.
I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
Does Hot Topic exist in the Wizarding World? Even so, did Hogwarts get rid of its dress code? Is it the weekend where you might be able wear whatever you want? Why did you wear white foundation if you have pale white skin? Is it raining or is it snowing? Is it sleeting? Is sleeting the word you were looking for? If it’s sleeting then shouldn’t you be worrying about your make-up? Can you clarify what a prep is? Is a prep a non-goffik, non-goth person? Or is it someone that wears uniforms as per the rules of the school? THE QUESTIONS ARE ENDLESS!
"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy!
Was that ellipsis necessary? Hah! That was rhetorical, of course it wasn’t.
"What's up Draco?" I asked.
"Nothing." he said shyly.
Draco Malfoy. Shy. I understand that most fanfics alter some aspects of a character’s personality to better fit the story, but making Draco Malfoy shy in the presence of a girl he just shouted at to get her attention seems to be doing it wrong.
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
Well now we’ve reached the end of the first chapter. Wait. That was the end of the first chapter?! But there are so many unanswered questions! Well now I’ve got to continue reading, otherwise I’ll never know! Well played madam, well played indeed.
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
I will abstain from telling you how bad this is.
ONWARDS TO CHAPTER 2
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!
Again, what’s a prep? And how do you know that only preps flamed you? Also why would you- Oh ho ho ho ho, I see what you’re doing here. Yep, you’re enticing me with more questions! You clever girl you.
The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.
DAMN YOU AND YOUR ENIGMAS! NOW I’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOUR FRIENDS CALLED YOU! Also, it is sleeting right? That’s the word you’re trying to use right?
I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.
This just in: The Redundant Department of Redundant Redundancy Department has issued a Code Red emergency for this paragraph. All readers are advised to ignore as many redundant things as humanly possible. Also, dayum girl you must be rich if your coffin has a door on it. All my coffins, that I use for more recreational purposes I assure you, have lids.
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)
Oh boy! Another shameless “author” insert with an even more shameless “author” acknowledgment of said insert! Also, I’d be wary of this Willow girl, she apparently has the ability to know where people are and smiles at them before opening her eyes. Also, is she a seventh year? Or are you still the only one?
"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.
“Actually, he shouted my name, then got all shy after I said “what’s up,” then some of my friends that I don’t acknowledge the existences of made me leave him. Common mistake. Pass the Whiter-Then-My-Vampire-Skin foundation.”
"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.
"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.
Huh. I guess Hogwarts did some remodeling recently, because I could’ve sworn that Slytherin was in the Dungeons. Oh well, I’m sure that- wait, if they’re in Slytherin doesn’t that mean that Draco could be overhearing them? Especially since Ebony shouted that last bit?
"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.
Well. That answers that.
"Hi." he said.
"Hi." I replied flirtily.
Oh. I guess you do like him after all?
"Guess what." he said.
"What?" I asked.
"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.
"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.
Oh. My. Fucking. God! The Wizarding World is allowing a Muggle band to perform in Hogsmede!
"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.
Once again, the great enigmas of this story leave me gasping for more. I can’t wait to see how this conversation is going to continue in the next chapter.
LET US JOURNEY TO CHAPTER 3
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.
Wow. These preps sound like an organized force of flaming, seeing as apparently they are the only ones saying terrible things about this story. Though I find it a tad odd that these “goffik” people are the only ones getting thanks for giving good reviews. I’m sure the author will remember to credit everyone eventually.
On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.
Hold the phone here. You left me hanging with a riveting converstation between Ebony and Draco and you decided to leave the ending out of the next chapter!?
Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.
Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and the Impossible Hairstyle, by The Combined Tears of Orphans. Coming soon, to a goffik bookstore near you.
I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.
Woah woah woah. You’re just going to mention that you slit your wrists like it’s nothing!? Not to mention that if you just “waited for it to stop bleeding” you would probably pass out from blood loss and- wait, aren’t you a Vampire? Do Vampires bleed? Do they die from blood loss? THE MYSTERY GROWS! But seriously, I’d at least put a band-aid or something on that.
I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.
Wait, you decided to not put on foundation because you were pale? That hasn’t stopped you before. And where do you get your human blood from? I don’t think the Staff of Hogwarts would appreciate you feasting on some first years.
I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.
Wait. Those exist now? I thought the Weaslys had the only one, and that one went feral and is wandering around the Forbidden Forest.
He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).
Again, your changes to Draco’s personality do not make sense. There’s no explanation for them. Draco hates all things Muggle, why would he wear anything Muggle? MADAM, I AM BEGINNING TO DOUBT THE VERSIMILITUDE OF YOUR FANFICTION.
"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.
Okay. I’ve got to say something here. You seem to be unware of what depression is. Because one does not use the vocal equivalent of an exclamation point when depressed. Also, you’re going to see your second favorite band with Draco who you both don’t like and like, why are you depressed? THIS MYSTERY IS INFINITE IN ITS DEPTH
"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
A flying Mercedes-Benz, a 666 licsense plate, “a place with the concert,” cigarettes, smokable drugs, e.g., crack, a mosh pit that isn’t moshing, and the main act playing before anything else... MADAM, MY ABILITY TO GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT IS WANING.
"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).
"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.
Suddenly Draco looked sad.
"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.
"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.
"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.
"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.
I’m starting to get annoyed here. Once again, in an awful attempt at character development, you blatently change Draco’s personality for no reason other than for what now seems to be your own masturbatory needs. Also, I’m not a concert expert, but I don’t think one “moshes” to music. I believe you mosh whenever the time calls for.... moshing. Another thing, I thought you didn’t like Draco? You were willing to shout to everyone in the Great Hall that you didn’t, but now you like him? When did this happen? I understand your attempt to insult people that write in 2 dimensions, but writing in just one doesn’t do you any good. And no need to hate on Hillary Duff so much. You have the ability to blow shit up with a stick.... assuming this is still in the Wizarding World and not some weird non-magical parallel universe.
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest!
Again, I am astonished at your use of ellipsis as a way of indicating the suspense. This is starting to sound more like a diary than a story, is that what you’re going for here? Unrelated question: Was this written via text messages between you and raven and bloodytears? Back on track. This is the first chapter that had some semblance of an ending, however rushed it was. Though why Draco would fly, oh I’m sorry drive, his expensive car into the Forbidden Forest is beyond me.
THE TREK INTO CHAPTER 4 HAS BEGUN
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!
Now I’m no expert on what should or should not go into an author’s note, but I’m prettty certain that you should not explain that you and Draco are in love, especially since that type of depth has not been added to the characters. Also, I thought her name was Ebony, not Enoby? My mistake, I’ll use that spelling from her on out.
"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"
“Trying to drive my car, which would go a lot smoother if you weren’t shouting in my ear, Enoby.”
Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.
Remember kids, if you ever find your date driving his flying car into a forbidden forest after a night of drugs, booze, and Muggle bands, always remember to get out and follow him.
"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.
"Ebony?" he asked.
"What?" I snapped.
Such beautiful dialogue. Though it would've been more touching had Draco remembered her name is Enoby.
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.
Again, do you actually know what depression is? Or are you just using it as a fancy word for “really sad?” Also, if Draco’s eyes showed “evilness,” wouldn’t you be fucking terrified that he drove you into a dangerous forest? And another- wait. Is it Gothic or Goffik? I’m so lost here.
And then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
“BUT IT’S THE PELVIC THRUST, THAT REALLY DRIVES YOU IN-SANE-ANE-ANE-ANE”
"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then...
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
Umm, let it be known that at the end of Chapter 4, the first kitten was sacrificed for the strength to go on. You will be missed Commodore Snuggles.
IN THE NAME OF COMMODORE SNUGGLES, I WILL GO ON TO CHAPTER 5
AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!
Again, why put the reasons in the author’s notes? Why not write them out? STOP ADDING MORE QUESTIONS! Also, you’re holding your story hostage unless you get five good “revoiws?”
Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.
"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.
“How dare you have sex on school grounds! Also, something about the drugs and booze probably”
I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.
Crying tears of blood is not a normal thing. Seek medical attention. Also, those drugs? Remember? Am I the only one that remembers them smoking a not specified drug?
"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.
No. He put his thingie in her you-know-what. Given the only other instance of this kind of writing in the Harry Potter series, I am forced to assume Draco put his thingie inside her Voldesnatch and-
Totally toht-ed myself there.
"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.
"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.
“Yes. How dare you do drugs while in Hogsmede” Seriously, am I the only one that recalls that happening?
And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"
“EVEN THOUGH I FORGET THAT HER NAME IS ENOBY AND NOT EBONY! ALSO, SEX IS LOVE.”
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."
Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.
"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.
“No Draco, I’m not. You keep calling me Ebony. My name is Enoby. Get it the fuck right.”
"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out...
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing "I just wanna live" by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.
For starters, the dormitories of Hogwarts are enchanted prevent all males from entering the girls’, so Draco being here is just not possible by the laws of the series. Secondly, is he a seventh year too? Or are you still the only one? ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS PLEASE!
Okay... LET’S NOT DIE IN CHAPTER 6
AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!
Jesus these prepz hate you. They must be a more popular demographic of society if you’re forced to tell them to shut up every chapter. Though, they might be mad that you won't update “ubtil u get goood revows!” Just my opinion on the matter.
The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.
Wait... You’re a Vampire.... And you put crosses in your FACE! Also, why use spray-paint for your hair? YOU GO TO A WIZARDING SCHOOL!
In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.
Okay, why would a Wizarding school not only have a Muggle cereal, but specifically a Muggle cereal that’s offensive to Vampires? Where do you get your blood again? Because Timmy the First Year from Ravenclaw has gone missing...
"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.
"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.
"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.
"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.
Okay. I just have to say, what in the almighty fuckidilly went through your head when you wrote this? Are you making every important character a Gof, or Goffik, or Gothic, or Goth, or Gorthiffk? Like, really? Are you even writing this for the sake of writing, or do you just need this as a form of masturbatory aid? Another thing, based on how you described Harry, I’m firmly convinced that this was in fact written via texts between you and your collective tribe of Goffallaffiks. I really hope Harry’s a Vampire, instead of some stupid nickname.
"Why?" I exclaimed.
Now now Enoby, inside voice. No need to exclaim things
"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.
"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.
"Really?" he whimpered.
Ugh, stop with the random emotional swings... Please.. I’m begging you. If this keeps up another kitten will be gone...
"Yeah." I roared.
We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.
This is a cliffhanger in the sense that it isn’t. At all.
I want this to stop.... CHAPTER 7
AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!
Okay, so aside from the shocking revelation that God reviewed this five times, or your demand that He review it tin times or no new chapter, apparently I need to change her name again to Evony.
Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).
This is bordering on “sacrifice a kitten” territory.
I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then...
General Sugar Whiskers is no more. I can now continue. I can tell this next part is exciting, the ellipsis told me.
We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)
Holy. Shit. I just...How is this... What were you... I can’t... How... Why... It doesn’t work like.... So now it’s not your you-know-what, it’s your thingie.. But that’s what you called Draco’s penis before... So that means...
"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words... Vampire!
For starters, did your orgasm just stop randomly because you were angry? Because that’s what seems to be going on here. Also, why would Draco call Harry ‘Vampire’ if he’s going to tattoo his name on his arm? That nickname seems a bit derogatory towards real Vampires, but whatever, clearly you don’t care anymore.
I was so angry.
"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
Was his cock still inside you? Because if so, all the men reading this most likely cringed.
"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.
“I know everything I need to know by looking at your tattoo that I didn’t see the first time we had sex. Though that was probably because of the drugs we smoked. What was that again? Because I don’t think it’s worn off and my skin feels like a meatloaf.”
"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"
“Which now I probably have because we didn’t even think of the word condom!”
I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.
Wait, now Draco has a you-know-what? Does that mean he has a Voldecoc-
"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.
Huh. That’s... actually kind of a decent ending for a chapter. Maybe there’s hope for this story yet.
HOPEFUL LEAP INTO CHAPTER 8
AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!
They’re flassing you now? I don’t even know what that means and I’m scared and horrified.
Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.
Damn, he must really care about you if he’s willing to run through a castle in Scotland where the season indicates it’s cold enough to rain and snow at the same time. Because his “really big you-know-what” should be a “really small kill-me-now” at this point.
"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.
Apparently he doesn’t love you because your name is Enob- Shit, sorry, Evony. Also, you can’t scream sadly. It’s just... wrong.
My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )
Oh Christ, this is one of the true reasons people drink. I tried counting the number of things wrong with this paragraph, but unfortunately I blacked out and awoke several days later screaming. I simply just cannot express my level of hatred for what is written above. I just can’t. Not only is Slytherin apparently a Satanic cult or something, but once again, our esteemed author has entirely retconned a major character of the HP series with as little shame as her use of the word “gothic” to describe everything.
"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.
“What is it you desire?” Why is Snape sounding like a victorian hooker? Also, you can’t “demeaned” anything angrily with a cold voice. A cold voice is uncaring and devoid of most emotion.
"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.
Wait, I thought Draco cheated on you with Harry, isn’t that what happened? When were you ever dating Harry? When did this happen? WILL YOU EVER ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS O GREAT MASTER OF THE ENIGMA!?
Above: The most coherent thing written in this story so far.
I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)
Added to my list of things helping me summit this mountain of shit: Far too much alcohol. Okay, for starters, her name is Evony. Second, why did we suddendly switch to Draco’s point of view and why is he disclosing Evony’s sexuality? Also, THE FUCK IS A PREP. THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS THAT WILL NEVER BE ANSWERED.
"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.
“I’m dating you, remember!? You asked me why I cheated on you with Draco?”
"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.
Only thing I’m going to point out is that virility is positive masculine characteristics.
CHAPTER 9 PLEASE MURDER ME
AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!
Sweet burning piles of hookers, this author’s note isn’t even trying. I hate (read: love) to break it to you, but it actually is your fault if Dumbledore swers, it’s your story. And I’m almost positive that Snap(e) doesn’t have a religion. Also, there’s an entire backstory as to why he doesn’t like Harry, but it’s understandable that you wouldn’t know that because I think the only thing you know about Harry Potter is that it exists.
I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.
So Draco was the one that did the cheating. That’s what I thought... Also weren’t you crying at the end of the last chapter?
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was... Voldemort!
Wow. This is a whole new level of bad. Again, ellipsis are not a form of suspense. Also, why would you describe someone as “basically like Voldemort in the movie” when the character is in fact Voldemort? This is evidence for my “You Wrote This In Texts” theory.
"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.
It’s called the Imperius Curse. The spell itself is not Imperius. It’s Imperio.
"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.
No. Just no. Nothing written above works like that. No. It just doesn’t.
"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"
One, her name is Evony, get it right. Two, “thou must kill?” Are you fucking kidding me? Three, why would Voldemort not only know Harry’s nickname, but would call him by it? MADAM, I DOUBT THE VERSIMILITUDE OF YOUR MASTURBATORY WRITTEN IN TEXT HARRY POTTER SHITFICTION!
I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?
Hold. The damn. Phone. Harry doesn’t look like Joel Madden, I do not care what you say. He looks like Harry Potter. Because that’s who he is. Not to mention the fact that you’re only thinking that Draco didn’t cheat on you WHILE THE MOST EVIL PERSON ON THE PLANET IS USING THE IMPERIUS CURSE TO MAKE YOU KILL HARRY POTTER! Also, you do realize the Imperius Curse allows him to control you, right? Which means you don’t have a fucking choice.
"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.
“Though I suppose I don’t have a choice! Imperius curse and all!”
Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.
It. Does not. Work. Like. That. Because of these two sentences, Mittens the Kitten is now gone. I hope you’re happy.
"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"
"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.
I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.
Hopefully he put on clothes.
"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"
“I’m not gonna tell you about the evil wizard that gave me a gun to kill Harry!”
"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.
I’m going to regret asking this, but in what way is he between Joel and Gerard? On second thought, don’t answer that. I don’t even wear make-up but I know that eyeliner doesn’t work like how you’re trying to make it work. It just doesn’t.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
“Yeah, are you okay? It’s not like you think the girl you’re in love with thinks you cheated on her.”
"No." he answered.
“My nuts have retracted into my chest from how fucking cold it is. Stupid make-up, taking away all of my time to get dressed...”
"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.
"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.
... Wow. The word “depressed” was used correctly here. Huh.
AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!
I was really scared about Vlodemort all day.
Did you ever tell anyone about that? Because I think that was important.
I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.
I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.
The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid.
Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.
When did Draco become a Vampire? Did you turn him into a Vampire? I thought you loved him, so why are you letting him slit his wrists if he’s depressed? If you can only kill a Vampire with a steak or cross, shouldn’t you be dead since you put two crosses in your ears a few chapters back? MADAM, I DOUBT THE VERSIMILITUDE OF YOUR HAM-FISTED ATTEMPT AT CANON!
I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.
Totally. By the way, at least seven Third years have come to me complaining about you molesting them. I’m sure it’s unrelated.
We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.
I thought you were writing songs? Wouldn’t it be hard to do a cover without two of your bandmates?
"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.
“NO! BECAUSE MY NAME IS EVONY AND NO ONE SEEMS TO REMEMBER THAT!”
"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.
I thought you called Harry “Vampire,” you did just a few minutes ago in that other paragraph. Did that change?
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.
And slipped on the blood leaking from his wrists.
"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)
Yes, actually. That is out of character. Because I have long since accepted that the Draco in this story will not resemble his canon self, so having him exhibit behavior that doesn’t coincide with your established Draco is very out of character.
I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.
Why do you do this to me? Have I wronged you in some way? Please tell me so I can fix it and make it stop!
We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.
So.... you don’t go after your boyfriend after he calls you a poser muggle bitch?
"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."
I thought you could only kill a Vampire by using a steak or a cross? You said that in the beginning of this chapter, did you forget? Is Draco dead, or is there a new character called Ebony Draco? Because if Draco is dead, then Dumbledore should be fired for not knowing the name of his student is Evony.