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Short Stories by Zaphod

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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Thu Jan 26, 2012 7:00 pm

Short Stories by Zaphod

Sometimes I get bored. Here's one from November:


It's not every day you fall out of a moving helicopter and land on your feet on an inflatable raft which just happens to have been shot out of a cannon a millisecond earlier, but it was happening to Earnest Alinsnider on a day which would go down in history as "The Day Earnest Alinsnider Proved to his Family that he was Indeed a Pretty Cool Guy."

He had been fighting reptilian ninjas in the helicopter, but they had ejected him from the vehicle in mid-f(l)ight and he had simply assumed "Oh well, I guess I'm just going to crash into that pit of molten magma now." Lucky for him, the nearby snails had been playing with matches again, and accidentally set off a cannon that conveniently had a very well-cushioned lava-proof raft in it. Earnest landed on the raft and thought to himself, "Wow, I'm a pretty cool guy." The raft proceeded to fall over a waterfall of lava, which should technically be called a lavafall but apparently dictionaries don't acknowledge that as a word yet.

Now Earnest was in a bit of an inconvenient pickle. Not literally, because how could you fit a grown man into a pickle, but anyway he was falling to what he was certain was certain death at the bottom of what would certainly be called a lavafall if the world was indeed a rational place, but I'm pretty certain it isn't. He knew now, or was at least pretty sure, that he would be dead upon impact with the inconceivably hot liquid below, but another lucky thing happened when a pigeon slammed into the raft mid-fall, which adjusted its trajectory just enough so that it would land on the world's largest pillow expedition rather than the river of molten rock, which was a mere five feet away due to some really terrible planning by Jerome's. The pigeon shouted something I'm not quite comfortable repeating, considering the bird tongue is very different from our own and it would probably sound weird if I tried to imitate it, but I'm sure if he had known he had just saved an innocent life he'd be a little less hostile. Then again, maybe Earnest isn't so innocent after all because why was he fighting the reptilian ninjas in the first place?

Anyway, after his exploits had come to a close, Earnest returned home and his family praised him for his miraculous survival skills, finally acknowledging him as a pretty cool guy. Ironically, other than somehow getting himself into this mess by picking a fight with reptilian ninjas, he really didn't do anything at all and his survival was based on a string of meaningless coincidences. But it's true what they say about history after all, the winners write all the books. In actuality, Earnest is kind of lame. How do I know this? I ejected him from a helicopter.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:24 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

This is from when we had to read Things Fall Apart a few months back:


Snapwick, a middle-aged goblin, was sick and tired of writing all these dialectical journals on a novel that most didn't even consider all that special, other than warning people against becoming a short-tempered black man who almost shot his wife. Snapwick, however, was pretty sure no one was planning on becoming such an individual anyway, so the novel was rendered pointless in his view.

On the contrary, his boss, Steven Psychorectomy, demanded all his employees to read this book that was widely considered so worthless. Apparently a term in the novel, "Evil Forest," had made him paranoid of going anywhere near the woods and so he wanted several deeply philosophical analyses of the book to prove to him that there was really nothing to be afraid of.

But there was. There are bears in those woods.

Snapwick was fully aware of this fact, and as such rather than just quitting like half the staff had when Psychorectomy had announced his ridiculous request, the goblin had decided he should go ahead and try with every fiber of his being to get his boss back into those woods. And so he invested all his effort into making his dialectical journals as deeply philosophical with as much incontrovertible evidence as was humanly possible. Which is quite a feat, because goblins generally aren't as good at analyzing things as humans, which is why he worked in sales. But that's beside the point. Snapwick did all he could to make his journals convincing, as he knew that should he succeed in convincing Psychorectomy of the total harmlessness of the woods he might finally get that promotion, which, despite Snapwick's lack of any genuine interest or effort in his job, would be irreversible once his boss was reduced to a red smear on a cave wall and a putrid stench on the breath of a very satisfied bear.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:58 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Another one from November:


"Well, it's been a long time since my last car wash," Stan Hogheckler muttered indifferently to a foul-mouthed weasel who had made a crude remark regarding the current appearance of his automobile. The two were next to one another at the stop light and Stan was ever so slightly tempted to ram into the other man's car.

"My grandmother could come up with a better excuse than that! Your car is trash, bro, TRASH!" the persistent provoker sputtered, spewing spittle upon Stan's passenger door.

"I have no quarrel with your grandmother, and I'm sure if necessary she could easily trump me in a battle of wits. Now please, leave me in peace. This is my favorite song and you're kind of ruining it for me."

The nitwit, who was coincidentally a distant relative of Al Pacino, threw a lit cigarette into Stan's car and laughed a wheezing laugh that somehow, in absolutely no words, managed to convey his complete and utter lack of a proper education. Stan did not take kindly to fools like this, much less when they were interrupting his tunes, and promptly tossed the nearest sharp object he could find, which happened to be a Swiss Army knife, into the man's car. It only grazed his arm slightly, but the clearly unstable offender went utterly ballistic and tried to find a button on his dashboard that might potentially reveal cannons in the vehicle's side with which he hoped to blast Stan to pieces. The closest thing he could find was a glowing red button that said "For Emergencies Only," but it was actually an eject button and he went flying out of his sunroof into a nearby tree.

The tree was fortunately inhabited by an aggressive family of raccoons, who were not overall pleased with unexpected intruders and viciously maimed the psychopath until he resembled little more than the remains of wrapping paper after an eager child has gotten his hands on his biggest Christmas present.

Stan, sadly, did not see this happen because at the moment he was preoccupied with accidentally driving off a cliff. "Not a Through Street" signs tend to become somewhat obsolete when they're located two and a half feet from a vertical drop.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Tue Jan 31, 2012 5:38 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Nov. 17:


Crocodile Niles was a refined fellow who enjoyed tea and crumpets and various other British commodities. Unfortunately, he was a crocodile, so he had a rather difficult time trying to find a good bargain and more often than not his visits to local suppliers ended in a lot of screaming and shoving.

One day, he decided to go to his usual coffee shop, which he decided every day but this day was considerably more important than any other day because this was the day in which staff rearrangements were in full swing. He didn't get his usual fellow, Bruce, and instead found himself dealing with a snobby little man he presumed hailed from Canada. As a crocodile, several times he was tempted to bite off the head of this rude little shit, but instead he kept his composure and ordered the usual.

Then he drank it, and everything changed.

Crocodile Niles was furious. This was not his usual, it was some foul concoction not unlike the posion in fairy tales that makes people fall asleep. He stomped over to the counter and demanded a refund.

"I demand a refund!" Niles shouted over the general commotion of the shop, to which the new employee replied:

"HUUUUURRRRRRRDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRR."

Niles was promptly kicked out for harassing a mentally handicapped worker, which upset him greatly. Still, he probably should've been clued in by the bicycle helmet and the homemade T-shirt that said "Don't judge me please, I'm actually a very special person."

Moral of the story: Coffee shops are really desperate for new employees.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Thu Feb 02, 2012 4:14 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Nov. 28:


Gregorovich Sanchez noticed a large thing of some sort protruding from the abdominal region of his anatomy and inquired, "What is this foreign object that has decided to make its home within mine own physical form? I am perplexed."

There was no reason for such unwarranted confusion, however, as it was quite obviously just an abnormally large pimple. About the size of a small turnip. Gregorovich was utterly revolted upon arriving at this conclusion.

"I should see a witch doctor," he surmised, and proceeded to do just that.

"I can't help you," the witch doctor said as he collected his three hundred dollar consultation fee, "and I'm afraid I don't know anyone who can."

Gregorovich was disappointed, but not immensely so. He decided it would be best to sleep on it.

He did, and when he woke up the next morning his protrusion had been inverted. Now, to his dismay, the pimple tickled his brain everytime he sneezed, coughed, ate, talked, blinked, pretty much anything really. And yet, he persevered in the face of oppostion, even when the sickening invader ran against him for president in 2016. The pimple ended up winning, but Gregorovich was satisfied if for no other reason than to finally be rid of the little bastard.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Fri Feb 03, 2012 5:48 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Dec. 1:


Every time Joe Boetick looked in the mirror, he saw a shabby, unShaven looking man wearing a torn-up hat and ancient overAlls with what appeared to be ketchup sTains dotting the entire ensemble. That's exActly what he was, too, oNly the ketchup waS actually motor oil.

One sliGhtly warmer than averAge September afternoon, Joe dRove his authentic 1940s golf cart to WAlmart and bought six packaGes of candy, six $3 T-shirts, six bottles of ketchup, and, by an odd case of irony he would never be aware of, only five six-packs of Budweiser.

Don't worry, he's not obsessive-complusive. Just a drunk with a devilish sEnse of humor.
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Post Sun Feb 05, 2012 4:09 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Dec. 8:


Stelbert Flozzletoff was quite a tightrope walker, but not the kind you see in inspirational documentaries. He was a gloomy, pessimistic man who didn't get paid nearly enough for his dangerous job and would trade anything for a way out.

This opportunity arrived in the form of Harry J. Splunk, a flamboyant agent who thought it would be a laugh and a half to cast Stelbert as the lead voice in an animated comedy about talking fruit salads. Stelbert gladly accepted the role, because he figured many great actors had gotten their start in low-budget animated films directed by ex-convicts, like for example... Well, maybe there weren't that many after all, but Stelbert really hated walking on tightropes and was willing to take a risk.

The film flopped at the box office after being written, voiced, animated, and edited over the course of five weeks, but became something of a cult classic after arriving on Blu-Ray and whatever comes after Blu-Ray, because DVDs will be off the market by then. I mean, they were off the market. Already. Right? Wait, what tense is this story in? Past, present, future? Some other option we don't know about yet? Is this even a story anymore? Why am I asking all these questions I know full will never be answered? Or have they been answered already? God, I'm so confused. Just forget it.
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Post Mon Feb 06, 2012 5:58 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

The most recent one, from late January:


Jimboluse Haywiry was not at all pleased with the performance of his plumber, who claimed to be so talented he could actually fix his clients' problems over the phone.

This was not true.

Jimboluse yelled at the man, "You've been telling me for twenty minutes now that my toilet should be flushing properly just because you said some ridiculous incantation. It's not working. You claim to be the best in your field, capable of correcting any sort of issue whatsoever that involves pipes. Well prove it. I want results, damn it!"

"I don't usually do this," the plumber responded with surprising calm, "But if you really feel so strongly about it I suppose I could make a personal appearance at your home and see what I can do."

"You mean like a regular plumber?"

"'Regular' is not a word I use to describe myself on a very regular basis, sir, but I do use it to describe other things. In fact I would say I regularly charge 155$ an hour for such demanding requests as getting off the couch, entering my professional vehicle, filling the tank up with gas, and driving with a slight hangover six miles away from the comfort of my own home just to fix a device I've never even seen much use for."

"...I heard nothing regular in that sentence, but I'm willing to pay. Why don't you stop by around--"

"I don't think you're familiar with the way this works, sir. You don't decide on the time frame, my television does. As soon as I'm done watching my third rerun in a row of Two and a Half Men I'll think about putting on some clothes and driving over, but knowing me I'll probably get distracted by some mundane object along the way and end up in a wreck. Then I'll either have to rent a truck or hitchhike, and lord knows I can't afford the former right now. So expect me around 12."

"Noon?"

"Midnight. Honestly, it's like you've never done this before."

The next day, Jimboluse had to wait uncomfortably around his house, unable to relieve himself due to the currently unreliable nature of his toilet. It might have been to his benefit to just go to a Starbucks or something, but he was convinced he might run into a coworker if he did so and he really just wasn't in the mood.

At two in the morning, the doorbell rang, waking Jimboluse who had fallen asleep on his couch about half an hour earlier with a hearty bowl of ice cream and olives in his lap. Half-asleep still, he tossed the bowl into the fireplace and wearily answered the door.

"I made it," the plumber grumbled, "But I can't stay long, I've got a lasagna in the oven. It's from Walmart."

"You're taller than me," Jimboluse muttered, "God, I hate it when people are taller than me."

"So where's this toilet you've been having trouble with? Make it snappy, we need to get this show on the road. Walmart lasagnas are notorious for cooking very quickly."

Jimboluse slammed the door and walked back to his couch, having finally decided he would just learn to live without a toilet. He plopped down back into his comfy spot and dozed off to some odd reality show about people who jump off buildings into inflatable pools filled with deli mustard.

I'll be fine, he thought as he drifted off into dreamland, Toilets are for chumps anyways.

Needless to say, his houseguests were appalled.
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Post Tue Feb 21, 2012 1:35 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Hey look a new one:


Gus Payne was never particularly happy about Tuesdays, and this was no exception. He had woken up, gotten dressed, eaten breakfast, brushed his teeth, and dropped a hammer on his foot just like any normal morning, though not necessarily in that order. On his way out the door to head to work, however, he had discovered a cow on his roof.

"What are you doing up there, cow?" he yelled at it, "This is a private establishment and I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"No," said the cow, who was promptly picked up by a peculiar hawk and carried off into the horizon.

While this was a rather eventful Tuesday, Gus still wasn't happy about it. He glumly drove to his job, which was at a stamp supply office, and met up with his least despised coworker, Harold.

"I'm not happy about my Tuesdays," he said, realizing for the first time that his unhappiness generally correlated with this day of the week, "Why do you think that is? I'm a delight on Thursdays."

"Maybe it's because," Harold started, but didn't finish because that's when he had a sudden elbow spasm and fell to the ground writhing in discomfort.

"Okay, I'll keep that in mind." Gus left for his cubicle.

"Mr. Payne?" his boss addressed him, tripping on a senselessly discarded penny as he entered the small space, "Oh look at that. Must be my lucky day. That's great."

"You wanted to talk to me about something?"

"Oh, right, of course. You're fired. Sorry about that. Nothing personal, it's just... I don't like you."

"I figured."

Gus packed his things in all of two minutes. He had never seen much use in bringing his personal life to the office unless it was shortly after Thanksgiving, in which case he brought leftovers and didn't share them with anyone.

Before he left, he decided a speech of some sort was in order.

"I'm not all that fond of any of you. Not one," he announced, "But you're all welcome to donate now that I'm unemployed. It would be much appreciated."

No one paid much attention. Harold was still on the ground clutching his injured elbow. The boss looked down at him.

"You're fired too."

Gus decided he'd had enough and returned home, where a pig had now made its way on to his roof. He didn't bother telling it to get down, figuring it might just go away on its own. He walked into his kitchen to fix some scrambled eggs, upon which he usually drew a sad face out of ketchup, when he caught sight of the calendar and suddenly felt sick.

It was Wednesday.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Sun Mar 11, 2012 3:12 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

"How many times do I have to tell you people to get out of my house?" Drake Pumpernickel yelled at a group of strange men wearing bowler hats. He had woken up on his living room floor in the middle of the night to find them gathered around him. They kept insisting he was not actually in his home, but rather a containment facility somewhere in Nebraska. Which he found odd. He didn't think Nebraska had much of anything, especially not containment facilities.

"I've already told you," said the man with the largest hat, "This is not your house. We remodeled the room to look like your house. We thought it might make the transition less jarring."

"And yet somehow you failed to consider the possibility that maybe waking up to you and your friends here eyeballing me like some kind of lab experiment might make me a bit anxious? Just a little?"

"You woke up sooner than we thought you would," squawked a small man with arthritis and a white mustache.

"Well why take me to a containment facility in Nebraska at all? And just what exactly are you containing?" Drake inquired, trying not to lose his temper, which at this point was just begging to be lost.

The man with the large hat took a moment to adjust Drake's TV remote before saying, "The short answer? Nazis."

"Well, I did not see that coming," Drake smiled smugly with a smirk.

"I'm afraid this is no laughing matter. We have reason to believe that an acquaintance of yours, Sean Juhp, might not be what he appears."

"You mean he's not an uptight gasbag with five cats?"

Hatman, for lack of a better title, slammed Drake into a wall and made an unusual growling noise kind of like what you would imagine a bear's drunk uncle to sound like in the bathroom.

"One more crack like that," he snarled, "and it's straight to the brig with you."

"The wha--"

"We brought you here to help us identify potential Nazis and bring them to justice before they bring us to Hitler's ash tray. If this is a task you don't think you can handle, we'd be happy to send you back and let you live in humiliation and guilt for the rest of your life with the knowledge that you allowed the second Holocaust to happen."

Drake tried to argue that he didn't want to do any such thing, but unfortunately Hatman's arm was crushing his windpipe and he couldn't say much to defend his case. Instead he made a sound not unlike a weak belch heard from the other end of a long tunnel.

Hatman released his grip and allowed Drake to slump to the floor, gasping for breath.

"Well? Are you in or not?"

"Sure," Drake croaked, "But about Sean Juhp, I think I might--"

Drake was never able to finish that statement, as just then a hat smacked him square in the face. When it fell, he saw that it had come from a heavyset fellow with lopsided spectacles and a beard that looked as though it could house a family of birds.

"Sean?!" Drake exclaimed, flabbergasted.

"First I'm going to impale you with a thousand toothpicks," Sean Juhp (better known in some circles by his alias, Hitler Jr.) said ominously, "Then I'm going to send you to the crematory, where they'll cook you up medium rare. And then I will thoroughly enjoy a Drake Sandwich!"

"You're insane!" Hatman sputtered, his hat askew and his cool facade broken for the first time, "You can't possibly hope to stand against us all!" But the fear in his eyes betrayed him. Nazis were much more clever these days. It had taken them some seventy years, but they had finally learned a thing or two about keeping a low profile.

Sean howled with laughter. "You thought you were so clever. But this isn't really a containment facility in Nebraska. We hacked Mapquest. This is a concentration camp! In Texas!"

Drake didn't know how to react. It seemed all hope was lost.

"Gotcha!" said Hatman suddenly, and the entire group left, leaving Drake alone and very confused in the living room of his California home.

One week later, after this whole ordeal was over, Drake and every Jew in the world were relieved to discover that this was all just a very elaborate campaign against the secession of Texas. Sean Juhp and the bowler-hat wearing men were all members of the Screen Actors Guild, who had put this whole charade together to show people the potential dangers of allowing Texas to form its own nation. Hatman was played by none other than Gary Oldman, who was so entrenched in the role that he had nightmares about Hitler in a cowboy hat for several weeks.
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Post Mon Mar 26, 2012 4:41 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Not exactly a story, but here's a transcript from today's chemistry lecture. Unfortunately, it is not humanly possible to read words at the speed my teacher speaks, so it's not really a perfect transcript but rather a chain of words and phrases as I heard them. I figure it's a pretty close representation of his general thought process as he talks. Try to read this in a very thick Spanish accent:


Alright now! Alright... now! Let me show you! And of course the lab you have to do this week that triangle means heat I want the precipitate! If I increase the concentration, if it's a fixed volume you get more to go to the products. Particle size increases the surface area- I've got potassium nitrate I can't use nitrates because Listen up please! I get the precipitate, let me show you. I can't give the kids any more of - um - these reactions.

Potassium iodide! This is my lead nitrate right here I do have some silver nitrate here too let me show you, you can see a beautiful precipitate. This is the way those guys - the painters - used to make pigments! It can be toxic that's what they call lethal toxicity. It's uh, these colors are beautiful yellows to orange. When you buy them you pick up these tubes- they're heavy! Let me put it right over here by the sink so I can... and then the last thing you guys, this is kind of a neat one, when you put a catalyst in here- your body has enzymes and your SALIVA, when you put food in your mouth. SO, I'm going to try it with platinum- first this is my catalyst when I react them I need a little demonstration so let me show you. If I pull down these two together, if I do this- I didn't have the recipe in front of me. You're not gonna believe this platinum you guys, let me show you!

Years ago I met this gentleman, this guy Professor Chemistry(?) he's a fantastic... He does it with ammonium in fact he gave me some- I'm gonna react alcohol and a little bit of heat, it's called formaldehyde. That's lots of water, let me show you this- HERE WE GO! Let me show you.

[Platypus noise]

Platinum is pretty resistant to high temperature, what I'm gonna do is right away is open this up, let me show you, I think it's working. Let me put some more alcohol in here - let me show you - and the glass so you can see right here, let me show you and hopefully and hold on, it took me three times last period. It went the whole period... SO, and the alcohol if you drink a lot of it- one more time I gotta try, that alcohol- the wire! ...No, eighty bucks yeah it's weird, okay now it's working, let me show you hold on.

Still very hot though, my hand- let's see.

Ummm, I don't know- what. It's gonna work. Hold on. Ok. Hold on. Oooohh, you guys, it's gotta work. One more time. Class. Shh, yeah. It's- reacts in and out. [Looks up with creepy face] Ok now umm, definitely going. Let it out there. That glow will be gone during lunch. [Lunch had already come and gone] ...Washcloths... It's going ok, turn off the lights. Let's go for a long time, alright. Very hot!

Let me tell ya- that's... um, umm, the professor did his with ammonium, lots of water! I need a longer piece of wire which I don't have- I can smell formaldehyde right here where I'm standing! Everybody got, um sh-shh, sh-sh-shhhhhh... Burning a match, sh. The packet I gave- Page four I mean page seven! Let me show you right here...

And so on.
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Post Tue Mar 27, 2012 3:41 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Another chemistry transcript. I lost at least 20% of my brain cells jotting this down.


Okay! Yes? No. Listen up right now, okay so you should've done this by now. So let's see please quiet everybody- what is chemical equilibrium? Shh...

The results are being formed so okay every chemical reaction goes both ways now um, let's see um... What is LeChatelieris principle? A system you guys when you put, uh when you remove a product- that's what that is saying! We don't think about chemical reactions these things happen in your body automatically. Let me show you something here. See the demo right there I can get it back from you.

This is cobalt chloride! Years ago I made some stained glass for a house, I made this awhile back it's a Cupid with little wings. Okay. Let me show you. I got ice water so it says right here, that kind of stuff so right away- right away there it is. Right there by adding water see the H2O on the right side? That's the adjustment we're talking about! Something might happen- who knows? You can see it happen- notice it's endothermic so if I add some heat right before your eyes you can see it changing blue again. ENDO! If I put heat on- okay, so right away I wanna make more product. The next one it says right here - number three - the actual ground-up salt let's grab this guy right here, let it cool down so...

So right away, let's go to this one here I want to add it to both to show you this- when you put too much salt thirsty, put probably a little too much just the actual liquid so we have that.

Number four, add one drop to test tube number two it's hydrated again- too much water it's gonna go back to the left in the... Crystal lattice! It's cobalt and I think the blue crystal- okay? The heat is gonna have to go the other way around from the ice water but I can go back and forth here- it's getting too hot. Do this... It gets too much hot, let's see here one second look up here please now, could be this one.

Let me show you for gases now- for gases, for gases we can put pressure changes here - I finally lo-CATED some - I'll do it tomorrow to show you. Remember that? K- look- okay- right here. Okay? Right? Let me just do this... SO, PV=nRT I'm gonna put it over the moles in this case gases and sometimes the system could be small... So pressure, these are gonna be- things happen with temperature if the pressure is big, if I increase- I decrease- I increase the volume we know that from before. The greater the pressure, we've seen these changes before.

And this principle right here allowed in the 1890s and 1900s, it allowed the making of ammonia- that's a big reaction worldwide from putting fertilizer on the ground to feed a lot of people. Small pressure, right? So those changes is what we're talking about here. Right? Right you guys? Moles are kept constant, thank you so much. Okay, um, sh- listen up please. SO let's see what happens now, I'll do the- uh, of the, uh, equilibrium is what we're talking about. K, so- so the stress you guys, is that clear? GO LEFT!

[Short pause in which he kind of jogs around the classroom answering people's questions with cryptic bullshit]

You guys! The red means when it's hot it goes lighter, what happens is- here's my equation, here's my question to you: Big pressure is gonna shift what happens, let me show you here, which has less pressure? To the left- why?!

Guys, look. I'm gonna add pressure to the system, I'm gonna shift to the- yeah, ok. Shh, listen up please that's this whole thing. Don't fall asleep on me because - sh - it's not gonna be good for you. Okay? No. If I decrease the volume it's gonna shift this way. By the same token what happens if I increase the volume? That's what we're talkin' about here, I keep adding this to the vessel fast as I can- this way this shifts all the time.

I couldn't find- I chose the symbol for reversible, with your partners there's three answers for every question. K, alright, one more, chemical equilibrium real simple little - on the board give me - here's the reason, you guys. Here's the re- here's the reaction and the first one- wait a minute I forgot, plus heat. I don't need the heat I'm producing- I'm gonna go left, it's exothermic! Increase the pressure for the next one, I increase the pressure which way it's gonna shift? It's gonna go to the wait, no no. Guys! Sh- I wanna cool it down. I need to produce the heat.

If I- if I- if I decrease the pressure, more moles to the right- was it okay? Sh- got that? You were sleepy, you just missed the day this is your job, AH? Annnnd- ouch. I- I- I do have uh, hold on, let me uh... Turn around sir, please do something while you're here. PLEASE. Surprise me. Alright, sh- let me get my glasses, check it out you guys!

Then he just resumes running around and being unhelpful for the next fifteen minutes of class.
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Post Mon Apr 02, 2012 2:55 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Yet another chemistry class from hell, the longest and most ridiculous one yet:


Let's go to this- quiet please, the tests were pretty good for the most part. Listen up please, quiet please, so I can get to this- let's talk about this thing that's your acid- Donate! H2O proton gives to this guy H2O you lose that proton, this is my acid- negative charges are bases. That's my acid. What's this one on this side a plus one charge, what is gives it -sh- gives it to this one. Acids are always donors of H+ I think Lewis and Lowry in this case- right? That's an acid NO3-1 this guy is this is the base right? On this side. Okay? That's what- that's what we have.

Now I wanna talk about a little math here- powers of ten. Powers of ten! Any questions on this stuff? Let me go down here. Powerpoint with a swimming pool- okay so couple of things you might wanna jot this thing down somewhere. Strongest acids completely break apart- strong acids! Alright, so um...

[Unnecessarily long pause]

K so um the ones that are weak are not dangerous- that's not true, it doesn't break into solution a lot. Strong or weak- alright? These are strong- that you should probably memorize I'll give you these, so anyway, so that's how we measure strength of acids, that's just a take home thing. Any questions about this so far?

The weak acids like I said just the weak ones- much more dangerous than sulfuric acid, it's actually kind of scary to work with in the industry. Okay sometimes they write it this way or this way, the ion is acetate, they give it to you without- be aware of that. The light bulb is uh, not as strong but it goes on soft drinks, you know carbonation, to me this guy attacks- if it falls on your arm it goes right through the skin. Years ago I knew a guy he didn't feel it but in the shower he looked- he saw a little hole in his arm! The shit(?) when you buy it, the bottle this stuff right here- airplane components.

Here we go, now water ionizes by itself. WATER AND WATER! If this is the acid that's the base you got the point? It does do that as well, this one- this one. H+ very good, same thing. Without water you guys- water gives us that capability, this is how it ionizes, listen up please sh-sh-sh-sh-shh... So they... They spell constant with a K I think it's from a German thing, the constant(konstant?) for water you guys is this times that AND when you take the log of this you gonna add them together. Okay? Moles per liter. That means what? Can I go on here? Okay? That means you guys they ionize by itself, so let me show you- look for example for the, uh, this one, add up to times ten to the minus seven- just seven. Water has neutral pH what they refer to as SEVEN. Alright. I wanna tell you where it COMES from.

Let me just keep going here, this is just a thing I do with Powerpoints for example- so for example if this guy is this concentration, let me show you, that's the deal. This number divided by that number like pi- this guy right here. I don't know, I always accepted it if you solve for that, that's what you uh... That's what I got anyway and then there you are. That's how you do every one of those problems. Yeah. Okay. Alright- alright.

Let's see... Don't... Let's... Hold on. Remember this -sh- as you can see, um let me just do this real quickly here, water has that kind of a green color to it- if you want at home get some purple cabbage, test all kind of things in your houseHOLD. That's the- That's the color for an acid. Let me see here. LOOK- a base here, I got a low concentration, base is gonna be well uh, point- point that's... That. Oh I have some acid, I can actually mix it easier. Less than seven gives you that color which I have to still make goes PINK. They use ozone these days.

Anyway pH- HYRDOGEN POWER! Minus a low- guys, okay now in math class, sh- listen up please SHHHH. Minus sign here- that's the definition of pH it's right there- hydrogen POWER, a little bit like that. Then if you know this you don't need to know that- I'll show ya. If I find the pH, seven plus seven is fourteen. That's a formula you wanna jot down all the time- K? Opposite for this one though, be aware. QUESTIONS?! Questionsssssss...?

That becomes easy, now to me it's just...

Now for example plus it in minus log of thaat- minus TWO 'cause I'll show you. Look- SO, is that clear? I can, if I have this in front of me I don't need a calculator at all. I'll show you. That's easy right? Here we go! Here we go -sh- let me show you, on right there that is really easy.

Here we go, here we go- I've got it right here, turn on the AC I'm getting kinda... Alright, everybody with me? Alright um if you have a calculator... Who doesn't have one? These tables are fast! Haha! Let me show you, okay guys look, here we go -sh-sh-sh- minus a log, I'm gonna put pH. I can do this right away, just eight right? Four point five, see the letter N? N? N? N value- N value is forty five- four point five, it should be a big number right? I don't wanna do that so minus- so eight minus this is what? Lot faster. You guys get that? Okay. Alright. Now. Mental gap?

Alright let me- so okay, alright- okay let me show you. Sh. Column number one. I'm gonna do this one, I'm gonna go to the next one so please listen- Column number TWO! Th-this! H+ this? So please listen, ten to the minus equals to the molarity to the one here. Three point seven eight. You're not gonna leave it like that- Look. It gets harder, you've got to pay attention, here ten to the minus pH, that's a lot. Column number TWO is the molarity. Is that clear?

[Unanimous chorus of "No"]

[Exasperated] Guys come on now, column number two- I want the molarity! Same thing so give me the molarity, let's- okay so this one here you have to solve it out between three and four. Yes it is! One point six four that's the molarity, SO, k now, here we go- look. Column three guys, column number three right? Right? Got that? You can do the water, look to me this is easier- that's it.


By now you're probably noticing a pattern. He's like this every time he "teaches" us something new. Which is every day. We don't review things. Ever. At least I don't think we do, it's hard to tell.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Thu Apr 05, 2012 1:51 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

This is turning into some kind of sick habit.


Isn't that nice? Yeah. Now here we go, let me show you here! If I- if I put a um, wait a minute I'm gonna put- nothing happens. Let me show you if I put my indicator here um... If I put my ammonia drops right away... Hold on- Hold on! Hold on. Let me show you here- OOH HOT!! This is kind of a neat thing to see it's like a cloud, let me show you here, this is heavier than air but I- what's so neat is that you can- as you go from yellow to red, I think- hold on. Indicators tell you- anyway that's the amount if I wanna make this... The carbon dioxide is still pretty strong- WAIT I need more dry ice, am I right? Let me show you- not much. Alright guys I don't wanna burn my hand, look at it- purple and it's carbon dioxide you guys! So now this should go... It's gonna go red.

This is kind of neat while it -acidic- it's gonna keep on going here, I like this stuff it's kinda neat. It's gonna go blue or purple- AH, look at that! Pretty? Carbon dioxide! It's not a toy. Oh, here we go. Yeah. So any questions you guys? Very good, K, um, so we'll have a lab like that tomorrow. I wanted to show you 'cause- guys. Page TWO! Sh.

WHOA! That's FANTASTIC!


I have absolutely no idea what he was referring to.
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Randoman

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Post Sat Apr 21, 2012 3:42 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

What the fuck am I reading
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Sat Apr 21, 2012 5:33 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

You're reading #1 on the Hipster Times Bestseller List. You've probably never heard of it.


No one in the world, or at least the country, can deny that cats are inherently diabolical creatures. Ask anyone. Whether they own a cat or not, almost every living human being with a properly functioning fear gland will admit that from time to time, cats just scare them silly.

Berksbey Croan's cat was no different. In fact, Berksbey had been so utterly terrified when he adopted the little demon that he had decided to call him General Antichrist. The General was not a particularly fussy or difficult cat, but something about the look in his eyes when he spotted a bird or a flying fish was enough to send even the most avid animal rights activists crawling for shelter behind the nearest piece of large furniture. Just the fact that flying fish even appeared wherever General Antichrist went made many question what unholy effects this seemingly adorable creature might have on the natural order of things.

And, indeed, the effects were many. One day Berksbey Croan was just sitting on his heavily worn couch, watching reruns of Frasier and sipping a glass of a special concoction he had invented years before. It consisted of iced tea, apple juice, and brandy, with just a touch of pepto bismol mixed in, and it had become a staple beverage in his household. Not that that included very much, seeing as his household was made up solely of Berksbey and his unverifiably evil cat. And speak of the devil, an expression which is not usually meant to be interpreted literally but could be in this case, General Antichrist was perched in the windowsill, staring at Berksbey with those cold, calculating eyes.

"What do you want, General?" Berksbey inquired innocently, finishing off his third glass of Misery Mix, which is what he occassionally called the aforementioned beverage.

Now, maybe it was just a trick of the wind, but Berksbey could have sworn he heard General Antichrist growl, "Your soul in a wet paper bag."

Oh, right, there wasn't any wind because he was inside and the weather was perfectly chipper outside. Naturally, this is when things started to get a little uncomfortable.

Which is probably because at that very moment, for what seemed to be no reason whatsoever, the couch caught fire. Berksbey yelped and jumped out of his seat, reaching for the nearest expendable book with which he could smother the quickly spreading flames. Being a rather wealthy and vain type, he had quite a lot of books which were really just for decoration rather than actual reading material. He had also never had to put out a fire in his life.

Berksbey soon discovered that paper was highly flammable and decided he had made an unfortunate mistake in using a paperback novel. In a bizarre demonstration of twisted logic, or lack thereof, he went for a hardcover autobiography of some successful socialite who wasn't nearly as important as he thought he was. This did not work either.

Meanwhile, the creepy neighbor with binoculars from across the street had a sudden realization that Berksbey Croan might be a Neo-Nazi what with all the book burning, and decided to call the authorities.

Through the entire ordeal, General Antichrist had remained firmly seated in the window, watching Berksbey struggle with what many experts would say was apparent amusement. And they would be right.

"What do I do, General?!" Berksbey cried in desperation, because obviously if you're asking a cat who clearly couldn't care less if you live or die for advice, you've hit the epitome of rock bottom.

"Oh wait, I've got it!" he shouted suddenly in triumph, running into the next room.

General Antichrist watched him go quizzically. He wasn't sure what inane idea had cropped up in Berksbey's head this time, but it was sure to be hilariously misguided.

Still, even the General himself was surprised when Berksbey returned with a pitcher of Misery Mix. In an undeniably catlike manner, General Antichrist sprang out the window. He landed neatly on his feet on the pavement below and looked back up just in time to see a burst of roaring flames surge forth from Berksbey's condo. It hadn't been the ending he was expecting, but it was entertaining nonetheless.

That night, when the police were investigating Berksbey's home, they found a crumpled brown bag in the cabinet containing only several bottles of brandy, which had begun to leak in all the chaos. Deeming it unimportant as police are prone to do, they tossed it out the window, where General Antichrist soon stumbled upon the soggy remains. And if cats could laugh the way us larger, tailless, generally less sadistic people do, he would have been doing so hysterically.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Thu May 10, 2012 5:37 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

I decided to write a poem
But I'm not really sure how to write a poem
I just rhymed poem with poem
And I just did it again
I'm not really cut out for this
I knew I never should have bought that damn hen
Because now my floor is covered in piss
And it's orange
Just like my old door hinge
I'm running out of things to rhyme
Is that a crime?
Yeah
Well color me purple
I'm kind of just going around in circles
And now I'm really stretching these rhymes
Pulling them out on a dime
Which, coincidentally, is silver
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Sat May 12, 2012 8:24 am

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

This is from a few days ago, kept forgetting to post it. ANOTHER chemistry "lesson."


You have 70 and I told you- K, um I'm running out of this. Right away! Liters times 22.4 just like that and then um all the stuff, let me show you something right here -it's fast- let me show you of N2 in here. Remember one mole of any gas is 22.4 liters... K now after this to that, one mole of nitrogen, two moles of NO2, that- nice. And remember you guys that one mole of NO2- NO2, 71.11 times TWO should be pretty easy, really fast as well and then over here is to... [Writes some nonsense] And that's how you solve the problem.

This one cancels top and bottom also. So you have- you have- you have uh, and that's the same for that, forget unless you have to show your work. LOOK- See that? Cancels out.

That's for NO2. Now this, okay guys got that? Can I do number four? Mass- mass? Grams? Number six? Number four let's do that one, I got all these things in here if I can find it I can do it- saves a lot of time you guys. Some of you are doing things, listen up you know? Sometimes they give you the same answer twice. Let's do number six which is, it says- right we have number four sorry, STP conditions. I'm gonna shift the energy part plus six oxygens. Know what I'm saying? Endothermic reaction so this is like the opposite of- it is photosynthesis right? K? So let's do this right here.

Like that. Let's see right here you have, um, K? Oops. Is to six moles of oxygen and then TIMES, remember one mole of O2, 22.4 liters cancel that- cancel that and this is three literssss, and that's what that is. There's what I did, look here we go half a mole times six, there you go -oh sorry about that- that's the math three times this, pretty quick LOOK- like I said that's fine I'll do it in red if you want, to show you. X liters of O2 is to six times 22.4 HERE, as one mole of glucose is to this, is a three eh... That's it. Same thing.

Finish all of them! Quick and easy. They fall in pretty easy so now you have six problems to do. Squint.


I'm still trying to figure out who he was saying squint to, and why.
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MesserTod

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Post Sun May 13, 2012 6:50 am

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

As a Chemistry major, this physically sickens me.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Mon May 14, 2012 5:33 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Fun fact: My chemistry teacher is a Vietnam vet.


That's it! That's- that- that or you can do it this way look- two, three there you go K? Just the stick model, don't worry about hydrogens AT ALL everybody with me on this? And um, so anyway that's what we have here. Your book has no- they ask you problems that are hard, here's what I want you to do you guys, highlight important information! [Handing out highlighters] Alright sir, real men use pink- alright.

K? Unsaturated hydrocarbons they're- are- the word saturated implies more hydrogens, lots of hydrogen in 'em that's the pattern for these two. Here's a- an alkene, I put it in red to show you, NOW so please listen, one two three four five. So on the second carbon it's gonna be pentene, I start counting so it's always TWO so it's going to be in this case- in this case it's going to be 2-pentene, that's the name of that compound. There I didn't see it on there but I'm gonna give it to you now, you see that? When multiple double bonds form they switch planes. See that? They switch- they switch planes.

Now let me show you. K so look at this- one two three four five, it's gonna be this- we call this cis, 2-pentene same side. Now just so you know if you put, if I put- all you have to know now is cis and trans. One two three four five six. One comma three is that- what? Alkene or alkyne? Oh sorry, hexa, how many double bonds? How many? Diene that's the name of that compound.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Sh. One is gonna be hexadiene, always count closest double bond for these. Always! There you go. Sh. How would you name that? Go ahead- tell me. Very good. Yeah. So uh, is that clear? By the way what if I do this? Look, one two three four five that's gonna be one -oop- pentyne, it's an alkyne so that's- finish- do the worksheet. Yeah, AH?


Sometimes he walks around saying his own name to himself.
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