Nobody liked Victor Hawkly. His mother had stopped calling years ago, his father had died of actual embarrassment when he lost the spelling bee in the fifth grade, and his only friend was a pug named Franklin who had made it a habit to urinate in his master's shoes whenever the opportunity provided itself. Hell, even I don't like him.
That's why he's not the main character.
The main character is actually a fucking radical guy by the name of Tommy Lee Bones, an ex-pornstar who spent most of his childhood in an orphanage. Many suspected that his biological father was none other than Batman, who was forced to give up his beloved child for the sake of fighting deranged criminals. Nonetheless, Tommy was quite successful at the orphanage, teaching his friends how to defend themselves from bullies until instances of little kids being thrown down flights of stairs by their elders decreased nearly 60%.
Eventually, Tommy Lee Bones was adopted by Brangelina, but didn't get along well with his pampered, multicultural siblings and ran away from his new home after eight uneventful months. Tommy desired excitement, adventure. Not a dull life of having everything provided to him. What he craved was to follow in his possible father's footsteps and protect Gotham from assorted freaks with fucked up faces. But, as he soon discovered, it isn't easy to become a crime-fighting vigilante overnight.
It took him two nights.
Approximately 28 hours after leaving the Brangelina household, Tommy happened to witness a man in a skimask with his scraggly beard poking out the bottom climb through an apartment window. Tommy quickly and carefully pursued the thief, taking cover behind any piece of furniture he could. Including a beanbag. Tommy was an excellent contortionist.
It didn't take long for the man to make his way to the bedroom, where the apartment's two inhabitants, a young couple, were sleeping through the robbery. Tommy had to hand it to the guy, he didn't make much noise.
But his lover probably didn't make much noise in bed either.
And of course this is true because the criminal actually didn't even have a lover. Nobody liked him enough for that.
The criminal, of course, was Victor Hawkly, whose last pair of shoes had just been urinated on. He was in desparate need of new shoes, but he was currently being sued by a coworker he had asked out for sexual harassment and couldn't spare a dime. So in his darkest hour, he finally turned to theft.
But then Tommy Lee Bones threw him out the window and broke his femur, waking the sleeping couple and probably about half the neighborhood. But they were okay with it all because Tommy had just thwarted the diabolical schemes of a moralless scoundrel. The woman even had sex with Tommy as a token of her appreciation, and he was just so goddamn cool that her boyfriend didn't even mind. It is worth noting that is actually how his pornstar career got started.
They all lived happily ever after, except for Victor, who was charged not only for attempted robbery but also for the kidnapping of Tommy Lee Bones from his loving Brangelinian family. He was sentenced to at least 20 years in prison and was forced to bunk with a brute who called himself "White Power Bane." Shit was, as they say, not very cash.
© Bastard Productions