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Short Stories by Zaphod

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MesserTod

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Post Mon May 14, 2012 6:04 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

hexadiene? Does he mean 2-hexene? Or Diethylhexene? Or Di-anything-hexene?
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Wed May 16, 2012 3:29 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Tod, if you were to ask him which of those he actually meant, his response would probably be "Yeah."

More ramblings:


Something like this, K like this or maybe something like this- they can do that, say "I can make that." I was impressed right? Well Ralph Loreman(?) was the guy that did a lot of chemistry, that's how - the lab - I wanna show you this look might as well show you, here we go.

K look pentane- pentane has three. One... [Long pause] Two and the third! You guys, be aware only has three if you can look at this, same formula. You guys you can- and they- same compound different things. But um this is called isomers, listen up please. The experts know aspirin is for pain, the mechanism for pain you guys is not understood at all so you don't know- Pain can be physical could be mental. I mean you can grieve, you can't take an aspirin for grieving right?

HEXANE! Three! Four! That's it, that's it, that's the one, there he is. One two three four, that's how that works. They talked about- there's- there- they- another, they just switch that around. Your body's pretty complicated. [Unintelligible]

Octane you guys, one more carbon- sh. More isomers, K here we go- HERE WE GO! Two. Starting coutning, one two three four five six- left or right, K on that. What else? There we go. That's what it is right? Let's- what's the name of that one? Now you have it filled out right? Right there, right? Okay um... um... Okay? Right? So amazing. That's incredible. C7 has that many. Thirteen more, K alright.

And that's it right? That's- that's- that's- that's it. K. You guys see that? K alright, on paper HUH? Questions! Alright um... questions you guys? I wanna turn this off because it's getting to me. Can you go ahead and give this a nice read through?


Unsure why the projector was "getting to him." ...I'm unsure about a lot of things.
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Post Wed May 16, 2012 5:29 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

No... No.

Pentane has 5 carbons. Not 2 or 3.

Hexane has 6. Not 3. Not 4.

Also, the mechanism for pain is understood rather well. This is why we have so many pain medications. And anti-depressants and all this other shit.

This is horrible. Your teacher is an idiot.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Fri May 25, 2012 2:08 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

ALL LOUD ON THE EASTERN BACK

Raul was a hopelessly fat man in the military. He had diabeetus but he learned to live with it because he was German and they aren't afraid of nothin'. It was a gloomy day on the Eastern Back when Raul took a bullet to the gut, but it didn't actually hurt him; it just rebounded off his fat and killed the shooter. He smiled like a hearty bowl of alphabet soup and tried shooting himself, only to find the bullet bounced off into the sky and downed a sad falcon named Phil. It's okay though because he was a mob boss. Raul later received an award for this but at the ceremony he had a heart attack. He decided he wouldn't stand for this and said, "Stop attacking me, Heart." And so it did. Raul had triumphed over his own internal organs but felt kind of bad about it so he got a transplant, hoping to send his heart to a more loving chest cavity. Unfortunately he died in surgery. Raul's last words were "Stay gold Pony Boy."

The End
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Mon May 28, 2012 1:41 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A STRANGE MAN THAT WROTE STORIES IN ALL CAPS. I DON'T KNOW WHY HE DID THAT BECAUSE IT SEEMS KIND OF INCONVENIENT AND CAN BE IRRITATING TO READ BUT FOR SOME REASON HE FELT THAT IT WAS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. ONE DAY I TRIED ASKING HIM WHY HE WAS INFLICTING THIS HORRIBLE PUNISHMENT ON EVERYONE AND HE JUST SAID "MY CHILD, IT IS A SIMPLE FACT OF LIFE THAT YELLING MAKES YOU MORE IMPORTANT, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS YOU'RE YELLING ABOUT OR AT WHOM. RIGHT NOW I COULD BE TELLING YOU ABOUT MY LOW SPERM COUNT AND ALL YOU'D BE ABLE TO THINK IS 'WOW, THIS MUST BE A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON, I SHOULD GIVE HIM MY UTMOST RESPECT.'" WELL SUFFICE TO SAY I FOUND THIS A BRILLIANT STRATEGY AND HAVE EMPLOYED IT EVER SINCE. AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT FOR AWHILE. I HAD BEEN YELLING FOR SO LONG THAT ONE DAY, JUST TO SPICE THINGS UP, I TRIED NOT YELLING FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT TO SEE WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE IT WOULD GET FROM MY SUBORDINATES AND BY SUBORDINATES OF COURSE I MEAN MY EMPLOYER. BUT ANYWAY IMAGINE MY SURPRISE WHEN I TRIED LOWERING MY VOICE ONLY TO FIND THAT I COULD NOT! IT'S REALLY A SHAME TOO BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO TELL HIM ABOUT SALLY THE RECEPTIONIST'S HORRIBLE DRINKING PROBLEM. IT WAS THEN THAT I REALIZED THE CRAZY ALL CAPS-TALKING MAN HAD PUT A CURSE ON ME FOR DOUBTING HIS POWERS, AND NOW I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO NOT USE CAPS EVER AGAIN. SO AFTER GETTING THE CRAP BEATEN OUT OF ME BY SALLY I WENT TO CONFRONT THE MAN, AND GUESS WHAT HE REVEALED TO ME! WAIT NO DON'T GUESS I'LL JUST TELL YOU. HE TOLD ME HE HAD NO CONTROL OVER IT, AND THAT THE TRUTH WAS HE HAD ACTUALLY BEEN CURSED BY AN EVIL WIZARD WHO WAS DEAF IN ONE EAR. THE WHOLE "YELLING IS IMPORTANT" THING WAS ACTUALLY JUST A COPING MECHANISM. SO I DECIDED TO GO HAVE A STERN TALKING TO WITH THIS WIZARD FOR CURSING THE MAN AND INDIRECTLY ME AS WELL, AND HE PRETENDED LIKE HE HAD NO CLUE WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. I FIGURED MAYBE IT WOULD BREAK THE CURSE IF I KILLED HIM BUT IT DIDN'T WORK SO I DECIDED I'D JUST SHOOT MYSELF. GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Sun Jun 10, 2012 11:47 am

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

A TAPESTRY IN TIME

On a proud and flatulent morning, Jesus Almight Butt-Fucking Space Christ in a Taco Suit with Whipped Cream and Sprinkles Farting a Rainbow into the Irish Sunset sat in the morning. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His left nostril ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Adolf Hitler to love someone with a hermaphroditic buttcheek?

Seductively, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a clinically retarded utopian pancake, all on a summer's day. I wish my Adolf Hitler would snort me, in his own fraudulent way..."

"Do you?" Adolf Hitler sat down beside Jesus Almight Butt-Fucking Space Christ in a Taco Suit with Whipped Cream and Sprinkles Farting a Rainbow into the Irish Sunset and put his hand on Jesus Almight Butt-Fucking Space Christ in a Taco Suit with Whipped Cream and Sprinkles Farting a Rainbow into the Irish Sunset's scrotum. "I think that could be arranged."

Jesus Almight Butt-Fucking Space Christ in a Taco Suit with Whipped Cream and Sprinkles Farting a Rainbow into the Irish Sunset gasped flatulently. "But what about my hermaphroditic buttcheek?"

"I like it," Adolf Hitler said dreamily. "I think it's clandestine."

They came together and their kiss was like a massive hemorrhaging aneurysm deep inside the rectum of a suicidal elephant...

"I love you," Jesus Almight Butt-Fucking Space Christ in a Taco Suit with Whipped Cream and Sprinkles Farting a Rainbow into the Irish Sunset said quizzically.

"I love you too," Adolf Hitler replied and snorted him.

They bought a baboon, moved in together, and lived playfully ever after.
Last edited by Zaphod Beeblebrox on Sun Jun 10, 2012 12:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Sun Jun 10, 2012 12:06 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Gotta give credit where it's due: http://prillalar.com/drabbles/
Last edited by Zaphod Beeblebrox on Wed Nov 25, 2015 11:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Tue Jun 12, 2012 1:45 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

meh
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Sat Jun 16, 2012 9:07 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

nevermind
Last edited by Zaphod Beeblebrox on Sat Oct 12, 2013 1:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Fri Jul 13, 2012 12:33 am

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Nobody liked Victor Hawkly. His mother had stopped calling years ago, his father had died of actual embarrassment when he lost the spelling bee in the fifth grade, and his only friend was a pug named Franklin who had made it a habit to urinate in his master's shoes whenever the opportunity provided itself. Hell, even I don't like him.

That's why he's not the main character.

The main character is actually a fucking radical guy by the name of Tommy Lee Bones, an ex-pornstar who spent most of his childhood in an orphanage. Many suspected that his biological father was none other than Batman, who was forced to give up his beloved child for the sake of fighting deranged criminals. Nonetheless, Tommy was quite successful at the orphanage, teaching his friends how to defend themselves from bullies until instances of little kids being thrown down flights of stairs by their elders decreased nearly 60%.

Eventually, Tommy Lee Bones was adopted by Brangelina, but didn't get along well with his pampered, multicultural siblings and ran away from his new home after eight uneventful months. Tommy desired excitement, adventure. Not a dull life of having everything provided to him. What he craved was to follow in his possible father's footsteps and protect Gotham from assorted freaks with fucked up faces. But, as he soon discovered, it isn't easy to become a crime-fighting vigilante overnight.

It took him two nights.

Approximately 28 hours after leaving the Brangelina household, Tommy happened to witness a man in a skimask with his scraggly beard poking out the bottom climb through an apartment window. Tommy quickly and carefully pursued the thief, taking cover behind any piece of furniture he could. Including a beanbag. Tommy was an excellent contortionist.

It didn't take long for the man to make his way to the bedroom, where the apartment's two inhabitants, a young couple, were sleeping through the robbery. Tommy had to hand it to the guy, he didn't make much noise.

But his lover probably didn't make much noise in bed either.

And of course this is true because the criminal actually didn't even have a lover. Nobody liked him enough for that.

The criminal, of course, was Victor Hawkly, whose last pair of shoes had just been urinated on. He was in desparate need of new shoes, but he was currently being sued by a coworker he had asked out for sexual harassment and couldn't spare a dime. So in his darkest hour, he finally turned to theft.

But then Tommy Lee Bones threw him out the window and broke his femur, waking the sleeping couple and probably about half the neighborhood. But they were okay with it all because Tommy had just thwarted the diabolical schemes of a moralless scoundrel. The woman even had sex with Tommy as a token of her appreciation, and he was just so goddamn cool that her boyfriend didn't even mind. It is worth noting that is actually how his pornstar career got started.

They all lived happily ever after, except for Victor, who was charged not only for attempted robbery but also for the kidnapping of Tommy Lee Bones from his loving Brangelinian family. He was sentenced to at least 20 years in prison and was forced to bunk with a brute who called himself "White Power Bane." Shit was, as they say, not very cash.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Thu Sep 13, 2012 3:57 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

FRUIT

"Why are we even here?" Stan Kazimakkis wondered aloud as his brother dropped a watermelon on his foot. "And why the hell did you do that?"

"Just testing," Brother said, "I read an article this morning on the effects of salty foods on the central nervous system, and you eat an awful lot of salty foods."

"Is that why we had raw asparagus for breakfast?"

"No, that was in a different article."

Stan sighed audibly and picked up a pineapple with a price tag of $70.

"What do you reckon is so special about this pineapple?" he inquired inquisitively.

"Well," Brother answered, "For one thing, it's an avocado, and it's a damn good one too. Not many of them have a slightly irradiated green glow like that."

This confused Stan. He was really quite sure that it was a pineapple.

"I'm really quite sure that this is a pineapple," he said in a matter of fact way.

Brother stood with his arms slightly outstretched.

"Want to fight about it?!" he shouted.

"Not really." But it was too late. Brother had already pulled a banana from a nearby bunch and promptly peeled it, revealing a wicked serrated blade. He charged. Blows were exchanged. In the end, Brother fell, a slightly irradiated pineapple jammed firmly into his eye socket. The fruit stand burst into overwhelming applause and Stan took a bow, gratefully accepting a rose from a man with a cowboy hat.

"You are the real heroes," he said simply.

And he took the cowboy hat from the man's head, placed it on his own, and walked into the light.
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MesserTod

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Post Thu Sep 13, 2012 4:49 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Now teach us how to defend against passion fruits.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Thu Sep 13, 2012 6:13 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

HOW TO DEFEND AGAINST PASSION FRUITS

If you got a gun, shoot 'em
If you got a boot, boot 'em
No one likes those passion fruits
Stuffing down our protein chutes

If you got a stick, jab 'em
If you got a knife, stab 'em
Passion fruits are really drab
I think I'll stick with crab
(and I don't even like crab)

If you got a rope, choke 'em
If you got a bomb, smoke 'em
So many weapons you could go broke
Luckily my dealer is a generous bloke
(unlike me when I get my hands on his wares)

No one likes those passion fruits
Stuffing down our protein chutes
I'll turn those fuckers into newts
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Post Fri Sep 14, 2012 5:39 am

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

I HAVE AN ERECTION THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE WOMEN BUT RATHER A POEM. I'M SO CONFUSED
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Post Sun Sep 16, 2012 10:40 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Beware Deimos, poem erections are gateway erections to ponies!
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Deimos

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Post Sun Sep 16, 2012 11:51 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

SILENCE YOUR FILTHY WORDS HERETIC. NO GATEWAY SHALL LEAD ME TO THE TRAITOR LEGIONS.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Sat Nov 17, 2012 9:53 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Saul Frunzwik’s longstanding routine was to have a nice piping hot cup of joe exactly four and a half minutes after waking up every morning. This was protocol, this was tradition. To break the pattern would be to invite disaster.

One day Saul realized he had forgotten to restock his supply of filters.

How could this be possible? Saul never forgot filters. Without filters, there could be no brewing. Without brewing, there could be no coffee. And without coffee, who knew what might happen? Saul had not gone a single day without coffee since before his twelfth birthday. It was a part of him; caffeine flowed through his veins.

Now he began to panic, slamming his hand down on the kitchen counter repeatedly and grunting like a wild animal. He even tried reciting the alphabet to calm himself down, but only got as far as J before collapsing into a tearful mess of a human being. It seemed all hope was truly lost.

And suddenly, a ray of hope seemed to emerge from the cloudy skies and brought Saul out of his deep despair. In fact, it was just the searchlight from a helicopter that was searching for an escaped homicidal maniac, but either way it was just what Saul needed to get back on his feet. Literally because he had curled up in the fetal position on the kitchen counter.

With a sudden burst of ingenuity, Saul grabbed his copy of the yellow pages and cut a crude circle from a page in the J section, folded it neatly, and shoved it into his Ultrabrewer 5000 (on sale now at your local Home Depot). Unfortunately, this did not work at all and the machine exploded, spraying hot water and fine powder all over the kitchen.

Desperate, Saul decided to call his friend Jason and see if perhaps he had any spare filters, but he had recently purchased a new cell phone and quickly realized he would have to reenter Jason’s number. He reached for the phonebook and opened it up to the J section, hoping to find his friend there.

Then it dawned on him that he had used what would have been Jason’s page for the makeshift filter.

Saul let out a hopeless wail and went outside, finally resigning himself to the gloomy fate that was a trip to the nearest Starbucks. But upon leaving his front door, he was surprised to find that his car was not in the driveway, for it had been stolen by the escaped homicidal maniac.

Meanwhile, the car pulled up behind an old warehouse, where a man in a trench coat carrying a moderately imposing chisel was waiting. The maniac stepped out of the driver’s seat and greeted the mysterious benefactor.

“Anything useful in there?” the shady man inquired with a slight gesture to the car.

“Not really,” answered the maniac, “Just a box of coffee filters. Looks like someone forgot to bring in the groceries.”
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Randoman

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Post Mon Nov 19, 2012 9:42 am

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

*clap. clap. clap*
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Dareigan

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Post Mon Feb 18, 2013 7:08 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Pure brilliance.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox

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Post Mon Feb 25, 2013 6:56 pm

Re: Short Stories by Zaphod

Legalize Gay
A rap by Macklemore

(Layin' down some phat beats)

(Snoop Doooooogg)
(Snoop Doooooogg Snoop Doooooogg)

Legalize gay
Legalize gay
We wouldn't want to have it any other way

Legalize gay
Legalize gay
We wouldn't want to have it any other way

(Get out the voooooote)

If you don't
I'll cut your dick off
I'll cut it right off
While I scream Mazel Tov

The joke's on you
I'm a Jew
So when it comes to oppression
Well, I know a thing or two

Legalize gay
Legalize gay
We wouldn't want to have it any other way

Legalize gay
Legalize gay
We wouldn't want to have it any other way

Legalize gay
Legalize gay
If you don't like equal rights then you'll have to pay

(Sicknasty rhythms)

(Snoop Doooooogg Snoop Doooooogg)
(Sn-sn-sn-sn-sn-sn-snoop-snoop Doooooogg)

Listen here suckas
Open up your ears
You better recognize those queers
They've already had to wait enough years

I swear to Abraham I'll beat you up
And make you pee in a cup
'Cause if you don't like gays
Well then you're on drugs

I bet when I say Abraham you think that it's my inner Jew talkin'
But you'd be wrong I'm just a big fan of Lincoln
He saved the Union and freed the slaves
And now it's time to do the same for our gays

Legalize gay
Legalize gay
We wouldn't want to have it any other way

Legalize gay
Legalize gay
If you don't like equal rights then you'll have to pay

Legalize gay (Snoop Doooooogg)
Legalize gay (Snoop Doooooogg Snoop Doooooogg)
We wouldn't want to have it any other way

Legalize gay (Snoop Doooooogg)
Legalize gay (Snoop Doooooogg Snoop Doooooog)
If you don't like equal rights then you'll have to pay

Legalize gay (Snoop Doooooogg)
Legalize gay (Snoop Doooooogg Snoop Doooooog)
Legalize gay (Snoop Doooooogg)
Legalize gay (Snoop Doooooogg Snoop Doooooog)
Legalize gay (Snoop Doooooogg)
Legalize gay (Snoop Doooooogg Snoop Doooooog)
Legalize gay (Snoop Doooooogg)
Legalize gay (Snoop Doooooogg Snoop Doooooog)

No matter what they tell you it starts at birth
So this goverment of the people
By the people
For the people
Shall not perish from the earth

(Snoop Doooooogg Snoop Doooooogg)
(Sn-sn-sn-sn-sn-sn-snoop-snoop Doooooogg)

Legalize gay
Legalize gay
If not you'll have to answer to Almighty Yahweh
Last edited by Zaphod Beeblebrox on Sat Oct 12, 2013 1:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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